The population of Earth, save for King Dong, looks forward to your immediate response.
THIRD PLACE: Allen Keen
Last month, the eXile published an "in brief" about Adam Levine's relationship with tennis star Marina Shaparova. Apparently, several "news" outlets around the world have picked up our "story" and reported it as fact in their publications, and Mr. Levine's attorney contacted us about fixing things so he wouldn't have to sue us. So, we made a mistake. We thought that Mr. Levine wanted to be a well-known person in the public eye, and therefore a legitimate target of constitutionally protected satire. Being a nobody is an ancient and honorable calling and we salute Mr. Levine's perspicacity in selecting the eXile to sue in this endeavor.
And just now we are defending ourselves against several "real" lawsuits, so on with the retraction.
1. Maria Sharapova made plenty of noise during sex. In fact, she burst into song. And Levine dug it. Big time. In fact, he joined in on the choruses. These Siberian folk tunes will be incorporated into a future Maroon 5 "album."
2. There is in fact such a thing as the Easter Bunny.
3. The rest of the "story" is "true."
HONORABLE MENTION: Jack Walsh
This magazine would like to acknowledge a serious mistake in our August 10th edition. The In Brief article featured a joke at the expense of the talented singer Mr. Adam Levine of the supergroup Maroon 5. You will, of course, know the band's song "This Love" from the "most played" list on your iPod.
We would like to clarify that the quote attributed to Mr. Levine was factually unsubstantiated and now fully accept that people with both immense wealth and no sense of humor about themselves should be rewarded for their remarkable achievements with only timid awe and an unspoken desire to be them. Indeed, we acknowledge that the love of Sharapova has taken its toll on Mr. Levine, she said "goodbye" too many times before and ultimately the article was in poor taste.
Finally, we can only unreservedly apologize and feel a sense of shame far harder to cope with than any financial damage Adam Levine 's lawyers could aim to do.
HONORABLE MENTION: Sergei M.
I propose a cartoon of a circus arena with Yasha kneeling on all fours with a spear made from print version eXile sticking out of his ass, courtesy of Gary Brecher, nibbling on a pile if cat shit with Ames in the background shrugging his shoulders, palms outwards, wearing an oversized clown nose. The caption there would read "See what happens when you skip your AAHD meds?" Too bad I can't draw worth a shit, but if you go with it - I'd settle for a comfort house voucher.
HONORABLE MENTION: Howard Henson
"We would like to correct our recent article about Adam Levine and Maria Sharapova. We acknowledge our article was out of bounds, and apologize for the bad call. In actuality, Maria made quite a racket during sex, but it was mostly about Adam's fuzzy yellow balls."