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[SIC!] October 10, 2007
 
Your Letters
 
 

[SIC] LETTER OF THE WEEK! THE UTAH ASSCLOWN

From: Dj Tim <djtim@utahsaints.com>

Date: Sep 28, 2007 8:46 PM

Subject: Attn Jared.....

To: exileradio@gmail.com

Hey Jared....

Hope you are well...was great to see what you wrote and to see that you are not our biggest fan...nevermind...you cant please everybody i guess...Here's some links to what we have and are doing...[links delted-Ed]Moscow and russia may not care about Utah Saints and you may not like our music but please try and get your facts right - after all isn't that what good jounalism is about not just one's own opinion?

Best Wishes,

Tim

Utah Saints

Dear Mr. Tim, Please try to make music that isn't totally shitty eurofag house crap -- after all, isn't that what good music is about, not just one eurofag's own shitty taste, especially a failing eurofag with too much time on his hands, so he vanity-surfs the net everywhere looking desperately for a mention of his shitty band?

Best wishes that your liver becomes infested with nematodes,

The eXile.

SNAPPERBAUM

Mark,

Anne Applebaum might be the worst journalist ever, and her article "Putin's Surprise" might be the most annoying article ever written. What the fuck kind of name is Anne Applebaum anyway? I feel like I am eating at some cheesy American fast food family restaurant. I would ask you to ask her for a picture of her snapper, but I am sure that it would prove so utterly fat and disturbing as to give me nightmares forever.

Jeff

Moscow

Dear Mr. Jeff, Anne Applebaum replies, "By attacking me, you are attacking freedom. Your letter is just further proof, like my stolen wallet, that Putin is a Fascist. And speaking of my vagina, for the record, no it's not fat! But between you and me, it is very itchy. I'm not sure why it itches so much, but I can't discount the possibility that the Kremlin secretly planted yeast spores into my vaginal cavity while I was sleeping in my expensive Moscow hotel last summer, because Putin is the only possible explanation for how I got this itchy vagina. I just can't stop scratching it! And it smells like old kefir! Seriously, it's so bad that my husband, Radoslaw Sikorski--you know, the right-wing Polish Defense minister? Yeah, that's my husband. Pretty impressive, isn't it? Well, Raddy now won't let his face get within a one-meter radius of my genitalia. That one-meter radius is what he calls my 'blast zone,' something about radiation and biological warfare...He's so into that stuff, I try to keep up. Well anyway as you can imagine, this is really hurting our sex life. So I'm hoping that since you are clearly a Kremlin fascist yourself, maybe you could help me out and put me in contact with the Kremlin fascists who planted those yeast spores in me? I want to sue for peace with the Kremlin, but I don't know whom to approach. I mean seriously, I'm tired of politics. I just want my vagina back. And my wallet. Actually, if I had to choose, I'd take the wallet first, and then my vagina. I just can't stand the thought of someone's hands on my American wallet!"

ASYLUM [sic]ER

Dear Gary,

You probably get a lot of such e-mails, asking for assistance. I have resisted a long time myself. I never write to bloggers on the internet. But this is modern America. Rules are made to be broken, and my situation calls for such measures. I thoroughly enjoy your Web Nerd articles. They bring back a lot of memories. You seem to be well connected, which currently I'm not. You also seem like the kind of guy who doesn't mince words and will tell someone where to go – my kind of guy. So I'll risk writing.


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