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The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

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World October 19, 2007
 
13 Scary Scenarios
Why 2008 is going to be the scariest year ever!
 
 

For a pre-Halloween scare, The eXile gathered a top-notch team of futurologists to lay out the thirteen most frightening possible scenarios for 2008. After reading this list, you’ll agree that next year is shaping up to be the scariest year ever.

1. Edward Limonov/Other Russia takes power

The siloviki feud turns into total war, bringing down both factions, and Vladimir Putin with them. The Other Russia coalition takes advantage of the power vacuum, resulting in an Edward Limonov presidency, with Kasparov as his foreign minister. Foreigners flee, martial law is declared, and yet mysteriously, The eXile’s ad revenues soar after Gazprom signs a 50-year contract to sponsor the Death Porn page.

2. “The Surge” Works

The Iraqi market bombings stop. The IEDs disappear, and ethnic revenge killings become a memory. Multi-ethnic police and army units begin hosting “truth and reconciliation” meetings in what were once blood-spattered communities. After Moqtada al-Sadr lights a symbolic menorah in Mosul, accompanied by Ari Fleishman and the granddaughter of Ariel Sharon, Paul Krugman pens a column conceding “The Neocons Were Right,” and the Daily Show is canceled due to low ratings.

3. Democracy in Burma

After months of sanctions and protests, the Burmese junta abdicates. The U.N. oversees free elections; monks dance in the streets. Then the nightmare happens: Burma becomes just another stop on the Hippie Trail. As the election results roll in, Lonely Planet backpackers are already declaring “Burma is so over,” or “It’s not as authentic as it used to be.” By the time that hot Nobel Prize chick takes power as Burma’s first democratically elected president, the hippie backpackers are already declaring, “I’m glad I got there when I did. The place is crawling with hippie backpackers now.”

4. Sophia Coppola Does A War Movie

Sophia Coppola releases her first ever attempt at a war movie. Set in Iraq, her gripping, poignant exploration of terrorists and soldiers never managing to find a common language, starring Gael García Bernal as General Ricardo Sanchez, is hailed as “The Apocalypse Now of our generation.” She announces as her next project a screen adaptation of It's Me, Eddie, starring Bill Murray.

5. Al Gore Runs, Wins, Concedes

Al Gore reluctantly accepts the Democrat Party nomination for president following a scandal in which Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are forced to drop out after calling each other “bitch-ass oreo” and “miss saggy snatch” in a televised debate. On November election night, counts show Gore with a 400,000 vote advantage in Florida, a 1.5 million victory margin in the overall popular vote, and a clear majority of the electoral college votes. However, as Gore arrives to give his acceptance speech, he’s harassed by a local Republican barbershop quartet. Shaken, Gore decides to concede defeat “for the good of the nation.” He asks all of his voters to support his opponent, the new president-elect Mitt Romney, and takes a seat as the Honorary Chairman of the Berlin Love Parade.

6. Iraq Terrorists Follow Troops Back to U.S., Become Republicans

Rather than a successful surge, America withdraws in defeat from Iraq. As predicted, members of “al-Qaeda in Iraq” hide in American cargo planes returning to military bases around the U.S. Most of the undercover Al Qaeda operatives move to Dearborn, Michigan, others fan out across the country. However, as they blend in with the locals, they find themselves drawn to supporting hardline Republican politicians, their fury directed at the liberal media’s bias. In the next presidential cycle, former Al Qaeda operatives demand that American take a strong line against Russia, and find that Newt Gingrich is “one of them,” the kind of guy they can imagine beheading an infidel with.


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FROM THE VAULT

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LATEST ARTICLES

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
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eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
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Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...

 
 
 

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