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Feature Story November 6, 2007
 
FANTASY ELECTIONS
The eXile plays the Kremlin's hottest game
 
Page 7 of 8
 

2003 Season Standing

Last minute choke, failed to cross the 5% barrier, didn't make it into the Duma playoffs.

Injury Report

Nemtsov has been racked with lawsuit fractures, while in the regions the party is suffering from dislocated resources and pinched kompromat nerves.

Prediction

If this were a real democracy, the entire party leadership would be pitchforked into farsh. But since this is a managed democracy, we believe that NEL Commissioner Surkov will take a more moderate approach and simply ensure that the SPS doesn't pass the 7% threshold, thereby not entering the Duma post-season.

Great Russia

Rodina has proved that nothing wins games like passion--especially when based ethnic hatred of dark skinned people. Great Russia wanted to pick up where Rodina left off. But the NEL commissioner didn't like Rodina, and he didn't like Great Russia, so he did the wise thing and bought off Great Russia's franchise player Dmitry Rogozin, consigning this project to the trashbin of history.

Team History

Dmitry Rogozin started this party up with fellow nationalist Andrei Savelev, after he got sacked from his quarterback position in the ultra-nationalist Rodina party, a Kremlin project that grew too big for its sponsors and was eventually shut down. After a one-year league suspension for showing too much independence from the Kremlin, Rogozin returned with Great Russia. This time the Kremlin is putting Rogozin out on the pasture by offering him the NATO ambassador job, thereby keeping Rogozin busy in extra-NEL activities, and killing off his new party before they even started.

Team Roster

Dmitry Rogozin, Andrey Savelev

Strengths

Great Russia's nationalist/chauvinist ideology, which, all things equal, would dominate the league.

Weaknesses

Any ideology that doesn't start and end with "blind support of Putin" is a weakness in this league.

Draft Report

N/A

Prediction

Call us "crazy," but something tells us that Great Russia won't be ordering any Duma office nameplates come December 3.

Other Russia

The unofficial opposition to the Kremlin, Other Russia is the scrappy Bad News Bears of the NEL, featuring the league's most unlikely roster: the nerdy chess player, the punk rebel, the 80s bearded liberal, the 90s Central Banker, with special guest appearances by a former Prime Minister known as "Two Percent" and the hot rich cocktease, Masha Gaidar, whose daddy always worries that his daughter is too rebellious for her own good. The results are sometimes funny, and sometimes bloody, depending on how much meat the Kremlin has eaten on any given day.

Team History

Formed in the last year as an umbrella opposition organization, Other Russia distinguishes itself from the rest as the only opposition party that draws the Kremlin dogs into full attack formation. Its street protests have led to hundreds of arrests and beatings, and its similarities to the tactics of the other color revolutionists have brought out the worst fears of the Kremlin's paranoid leaders. Despite all of the Western media's attention, Other Russia isn't the cute Western-style liberal uprising they'd like it to be. It's about 8 parts banned-National-Bolsheviks-Party, 1 part bearded-80s-liberals, and 1 part everyone-else-together. However, at rallies Other Russia attracts a much broader cross-section of Russia's middle-class youth and intelligentsia. The party was denied registration.


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