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[SIC!] November 20, 2007
 
Your Letters
 
 

[SIC] LETTER OF THE WEEK! CLICHE-HUGGING DICKHEAD

Dear War Nerd,

Really Gary, that was not a BIC ["Burn, Malibu, Burn!" issue 275]. That cheesy lighter you show is the kind that stops working after the first couple of uses. The beautiful irony of these fires is that the tree hugging eco freaks made sure there was plenty of nice dry fodder to feed them.

Carl

Dear Mr. Carl,

Wow, did we read that right? You're mocking "tree hugging eco freaks"? Can you really say that and get away with it? I mean, holy moly Carl, are you nuts? Aren't you worried about the social consequences of saying something this bold and against-the-grain, I mean in public and all? Damn, respect, dude. Total respect. Hey everyone, check this letter out! You won't fuckin believe it! We got a letter from some guy named Carl, and this guy is so incredibly bold in an un-politically-correct way, he actually had the balls to mock tree-huggers. Seriously, we're not lying. Listen Carl, can we like meet you some day? You know, like touch you and stuff? Maybe buy you a beer and have you tell us your secret to how you became so bold and thinking-for-yourself, not letting all those politically correct ...tree...hu-...huggi-...tree hugging ec-...tree hugging eco freaks...hey! Wow-wee! I said it! Guys, I said it! I did it! Mom, dad, look at me! I'm politically incorrect! And you can't stop me! "Tree hugging eco freak! Tree hugging eco freak!" You see? I'm now bold and independent in a no-bullshit way! Carl, you're like R. P. MacMurphy to us. Thanks to you, we now have the courage and strength to embark on something so bold that few dare to do it: yep, we're going to start posting anonymous comments on people's blogs, flaming them for being "tree huggers" and stuff. Because we don't give a shit what elitists tell us to do. We're politically incorrect, man, we say whatever we want to.

CRY ME A FIRE

Gary,

My sister had to evacuate her home with my five-year old niece. She doesn't live in Malibu. She lives in the deserts outside San Diego, the only place she could afford a home. This is the second tome she has had to evacuate. The first time her home was nearly burned to the ground. A change in the wind and a few yards of gravel saved her home.

Also, Fox is already telling lies that al-Qaeda set the fires. It turns out that it was nature and a few opportunistic pyros.

Aaron Rothenburger

Dear Mr. Rothenburger, Tell your sister to get a job and to stop relying on the government for free handouts. Yeah, you heard us right. Ever since we met Carl, the gloves are off. We're politically incorrect these days, and if you don't like it, then go hug a tree, you tree hugging eco freak!

[sic] UP

Dear Editor,

Please tell Hannah Katz I pray for her speedy recovery. Her and Mark Ames are my two favorite writers. I miss her already. Her last article was great as usual. Tell that LAZY bastard Mark Ames to go and do his RESEARCH on more WHORE-R STORIES. He's the greatest, my idol. I love the guy. His satire can't be beat. All the staff at the eXile are professionals. Great paper, great work. Thank you for your time.

Sincerly Yours

Brian Moloney

Canada

Dear Mr. Moloney Yeah, yeah, okay, that's enough, we're finished... wipe your face and get up from your knees, will ya? Next time, try to use a little less teeth.

ME SO BLEEDING-HEART-EE

Dear The eXile

31 October 2007

Today, the monks in Burma started marching again. If you are looking for expert commentary to complement your story, we would like to introduce you to the following experts.

(This email is sent to you by ResearchSEA – Asia Research News, a free platform for journalists to find out about research in Asia.)

Name: Dr Ooi Keat Gin (Universiti Sains Malaysia, MALAYSIA)

Expertise: history of Southeast Asia; war and memory; urban history

Telephone: 604 6533888 Ext 3341

Facsimile: 604 6563707

Email: kgooi@hotmail.com

(Please email/fax your questions to him)

Name: Dr Noel M. Morada (University of the Philippines Diliman, PHILIPPINES)

[The list continues...-Ed.]

Please feel free to contact us at info@researchsea.com to find out about new research or for experts in other fields

Dr Magdeline Pokar

Managing Director

ResearchSEA - Asia Research News

Dear Dr. Pokar, Your letter confused us. We saw all of these funny-sounding Asian names, and at first, sure, we all had a laugh here in the [sic] offices, and we pulled up the corners of our eyes and made Asian faces and said "Me Ooi Keat Gin!" and laughed some more. But then after the laughter was gone and we were alone with our thoughts, we thought, "We're really interested in like human rights and stuff in your part of the world, but right now, dang, we could really use a happy finish. So, which Asian on this list do we have to call to set it up? "Dr. Pokar"? Uh-huh-huh."


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