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Field Guide October 1, 2007
 
Field Guide To Moscow: Humbertus Humbertus
 
 

Humbertus Humbertus

Horny Expatriate

Horny Expatriate

Distinguishing Features: Business suit; five o' clock shadow; total lack of rhythm and/or shame

Habitat: Doug and Marty's Boar House; The Real McCoy; Safari Lodge; Club Platinum

Danger if Provoked: Low. Once this species becomes fixated on copulating, it is nearly impossible to distract it from this task. Thus, the naturalist risks very little by observing Humbertus Humbertus in its native habitat. Even if this species is disturbed, it will choose to recommence its mating rituals rather than confront the intruder.

Mortal Weaknesses: Easily suckered into buying overpriced drinks for ugly friends of 19-year-old blonde from the Language Institute; occasional phone calls from wife in London can disrupt mojo; risk of official reprimand for putting visits to Shandra on corporate expense account.

Comments: Humbertus Humbertus spends most of its time in office buildings within the Boulevard Ring attempting to add a veneer of European propriety to the Russian oil conglomerate it works for. This species only leaves the office at night, when it prowls the bars of Moscow in search of its prey after purchasing Viagra (the one Russian word it knows) at an underground kiosk. Although the Horny Expatriate prefers to win its sexual conquests by charm and false promises of marriage, it often finds itself hailing a cab to Oh La La at 3 a.m., its instinctual urges having overcome its stinginess.

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