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Field Guide December 31, 1970
Field Guide To Moscow: Mayonnaisus Infinitas

Mayonnaisus Infinitas



Distinguishing Features: Super DDD+ underwire suspension bra; never far from a gallon tub of domestic mayonnaise; Chinese-made tapochki.

Habitat: Small kitchens in un-remonted apartments throughout Moscow. The Mayonnaisus Infinitas is one of the most common species in the city.

Danger if Provoked: The Mayonnaisus Infinitas has little natural fear of outsiders, and is easily tamed with a box of Krasnyi Oktyabr chocolates or a bottle of Massandra wine. However, it is highly protective of its young, and will often subject prospective boyfriends to long conversations about wallpaper designs and the relative merits of shopping at outdoor markets vs. western-style supermarkets.

Mortal Weaknesses: The Mayonnaisus Infinitas worries that its larva will never transform from tall and thin beauties into the mature Mayonnaisus Infinitas, and therefore insists on heaping mayonnaise on everything from fresh vegetables to pasta dishes in hopes of speeding the transition. Serving colorless food fried in cheap sunflower oil is another tactic it commonly employs.

Comments: The Mayonnaisus Infinitas rarely sleeps, and spends all waking hours making mayonnaise-based concoctions while Mexican soaps drone in the background. It is overprotective of its young, constantly nagging them about their non-existent coughs, the need to protect against drafts, and the proper level of attire on any given day. Such behavior is based less on a sincere desire to protect its offspring than a physical need to instill a guilt complex in its offspring. This is also done with a series of traps, such as setting a series of curfews that it knows will be broken, in order to make the offspring feel like they, rather than the artery-blocking diet, are responsible for the Mayonnaisus Infinitas' heart problems.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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