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[SIC!] December 18, 2007
 
Your Letters
 
 

[SIC] LETTER OF THE WEEK! BONG BRAIN

Dear Nancy,

Do you happen to know if cannabis is a substance they look for when doing the drug test for Russian work permit please?

F.

Dmitry Medvedev replies, "Wow, do I really get to reply to this letter? Seriously? Oh wow, this is like a dream for me. Oh my god. No seriously...seriously guys, check it out. I'm the [sic] responder this issue! Hey, is this being-president thing kick-ass or what?! Woo-hoo! Fuuuuck yeahhhh! Being president of Russia fuuuckkiinnn RAWWWWQQQQSSS! Whoa shit...I think Vladimir Vladimirovich heard me. Hold on a second. Um...yeah? What's the problem, sir? Oh sure, I can keep it down, sir. No, I'm just answering [sic] letters. You know, because I'm president now and all that. I mean I'm not president, but... you know what I'm saying. Huh? Now? Oh man, please? C'mon Vladimir Vladimirovich, this is my first--c'mon, I swear I'll mow the lawn later if you just let me--yeah all right, whatever. Sorry, guys, gotta go, can't answer the letter. My dad's totally pissed."

DUMBSHIT

Dear eXile Readers,

To all the idiots that keep requesting an apology from the War Nerd. Are you people fucking morons? This guy has been writing "suck shit, your dead" for years now and you loved it. But when the shit hits the fan at home, you all start crying. Get your heads out of your asses.

Eat Shit

PS: Levin, why do you care so much about retards? Do you have many invalids in your family?

Dear Mr. Shit,

We care about retards because retards are our readership, as your letter rightfully reminds us. And we believe that a retard is just as human as, say, a midget. Well, maybe not a midget, because they're pretty human, but retards are just as human as old people in care home centers. Except that retards don't have assets that they might leave us when they die. In fact, retards, as far as we know, don't have a penny to their name, never give you money, they just take and take and make noise and drool, which pretty much describes our readership. H'm, maybe we should go back over our business model one more time.

THE MONGOLOID HORDE

Dear Ferry [Gary Brecher],

Excellent piece on the Kurds. But I have to warn you, anything more than 500 words and I begin nodding off like a drooling junkie. So, my friend informed me your point is the lack of solidarity is dooming the miserable Kurds to slavery. good point. The Conference in the US didn't have solidarity. The Tibetans, the latest new ingredient in Chinese cuisine, have no solidarity. The mafia too! Yeah, I think you are on to something. But I have to give it some more thought.

best,

Stewart Nusbaumer

Dear Mr. Nusbaumer, Gee it's nice to welcome another special reader to our community. And Mr. Nusbaumer is clearly very, very special. Kids, say hello to "Stewart" will you? He can read almost 500 words at a time before he drools. Can any of the other retards--I mean, ahem, special boys 'n girls here--read 500 words without drooling? Hands please!

FREE-LOADER

Mr Ames,

Long time reader, first time writer. Just dropping you a line from a 19-year-old fan from the degenerate country that is Australia to let you know that you guys are the fucking bomb. No, seriously. Smart(ass), informative, and vehemently anti-Economist, what more could you ask for from a news outlet?

Also, what you did to Rocky Hoffschneider was fantastic. I read, I learned, I loved.

Deepest respects,

Sam Bateman

Dear Mr. Bateman, You missed something at the end of that "I read, I learned, I loved...I PAID. I pulled out all of my cash, maxed out all of my cards, and paid the man for making my life interesting." Could you please correct that and send it again?


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