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Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
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Feature Story December 29, 2007
 
Who's More Fucked in 2008? U.S. VS RUSSIA
 
Page 2 of 4
 

Ksenia Sobchak Joins Other Russia

One of the little-reported trends among privileged Muscovite babes is a kind of late-Putin-era political activism: "Golden youth" girl Masha Gaidar led an Other Russia protest and ended up in jail; her friend, the expensively-dressed opposition journalist Natalia Morar (now she wants it rewritten in Italian as "Morari," sorta like "Ferrari"), was deported soon after. Viktor Shenderovich's babe daughter was recently jailed for contempt of court. And so in 2008 it shouldn't surprise anyone when Ksenia Sobchak, ever the trendoid-victim, decides to become "political 'n stuff," and join the Other Russia opposition. After her "Thoreau moment" in jail, millions of dumb 11-17-year-old girls take to the streets and burn down Petrovka 38 in Russia's equivalent of the storming of the Bastille. Ksenia Sobchak flees to London with her purse dog, where she hosts a "Reality Dissident" TV show called "Villa-Dva" for Gusinsky's fledgling satellite network.

Year of the Russian Movie

The Russian movie and television industries have been building momentum, edging out American films and TV shows with bad Russian knockoffs and patriotic schlock that is cheaper and "nash." In 2008, Russian movies will completely overtake Hollywood imports, yet at the same time the post-Soviet movie industry will continue to crush talent wherever it rears its ugly head in order to perpetuate the current model of producer-driven art. A "Dark Age of Kino" descends upon the land of Tarkovsky and Eisenshtein, now known as "the land of Bondarchuk and adapted-for-Russian-television-sitcoms-like-Nyanya."

The Bilan FINALLY GETS POPULAR

You thought last year was the Year of the Russian Mullet? Yeah, well, that's what you thought in 2006, too. And in 2005. Guess what 2008 will be? Yup, that's right: The Year That The Bilan Went Big. No longer confined to the under-40 male set, the Bilan mullet will cross generations, gender, and even species, as Putin grows out a back-fan to compensate for the bald-top, Medvedev and his entire cabinet adopt Bilans for the upcoming elections. Women get in on the act, as Duma deputies Svetlana Khorkina and Alina Kabaeva buzz the hair above their ears and grow their tails down to their lower backs. Lapdogs, lonely-women cats, and even Mini cars are all outfitted with Bilans. By December 31, 2008, Denis Simachev designs a giant Bilan hairdo that stretches from Kaliningrad to Kamchatka, visible to astronauts in the Mir space station.

...AND AMERICA'S WORST 2008 SCENARIOS:

Writers' Strike Ends, Shitty TV Returns

With the writer's strike, Americans are forced to spend a few minutes looking at their wretched lives, and the vast chasm that separates TV fantasy from American reality. As the strike continues, Americans for the first time in 40 years become interested in politics and community activism. Change is in the air. A new spirit of hope and determination sweeps the nation. Then in July, the writer's strike ends, and television returns. Americans immediately plant themselves in front of the TV, abdicating "hope" to candidates Mitt Romney and Barak Obama, who are praised as the most "telegenic" nominees ever.

Oligarchs Snap Up Dollar-Cheap Celebrities

In 2007, The Moscow Times reported that star-struck Russian oligarchs are so flush with petro-rubles that one even hired actress Gweneth Paltrow to sit in a cage during a holiday party. In 2008, as the dollar continues to collapse and Russia grows wealthier, oligarch Alisher Usmanov rents out Red Square and hires John McCain to work the party's coat check. Not to be outdone, oligarch-silovik Igor Sechin rents out Gorky Park, and hires the entire U.S. Supreme Court to sit in a makeshift nine-cage zoo, designed by Zurab Tsereteli, so that partygoers can look and point at the justices, and feed them ice cream and delicious dark Russian chocolates.


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