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Club Review January 29, 2008
 
Russian Speed Racer
By Eric Lindquist Browse author
 
2 more photos
 

So I'm in Moscow for the first time visiting my big brother Jared. I hear he's a somewhat of authority here on gigs and stuff. I mean, it's weird. I'm getting all this red carpet treatment just because I'm Jared's younger brother. And come to think of it, all these years I thought he was boasting.

So like I fly in to Moscow, I'm in the city for less than two hours when Jared's like, "Dude, we're going to this new weird but cool club that opened up called MOTORHOME, my friend's having a birthday party there."

I was like, "Okay, whatever." I am tired as hell, been drinking for like 16 hours straight and wouldn't care if he took me to see some of that faggy ballet crap Russians love so much, as long as they served beer there.

But man, I had no idea we were going to a auto racing-themed club. The second I got in, my jaw just like dropped. From what Jared's been writing home, I thought Russia was in the technological Stone Age or something. But this place was decked out like some sort of futuristic, rated R version of Chuck E. Cheese with a huge bar and rows of racing simulation pods lining the walls.

Instead of gay furry mascots, the place was packed full of Russian go-go dancers in sexy racing outfits doing lesbo shows on the freakin' bar. I mean, damn!

Moscow is THE place to be -- especially if you're under 21 like me. It's got the drop on Tiquana like no Mexican's business. Mexico couldn't dream of getting such fat ass racing simulation arcades.

I mean, these weren't some two-bit bar racing game like Cruisin' USA. MOTORDHOME has the Real Deal Holyfield set up. It's was designed by Formula 1 racers and what the pro drivers have set up in their home. You know, for extra-curricular activities like learning a track or two. The simulators can all be hooked up together so you can race anyone and everyone in the club -- and that's exactly what we did. Drinking and racing, all night long.

The birthday boy had rented out the club for a private party. Aside from racing tournaments and weekend parties with DJs, this type of thing happens all the time. I'm told its way more chilled out during the day though -- chill enough to bring your kids to, if you were so inclined. And, at just over $10 per hour, it might not be such a bad way to spend time with the little ones.

They were also showing a football game on the TV mounted along the club's island bar. I forgot who was playing cuz I blacked out at some point. But for the point is that MOTORHOME, be respectin' sports yo! I'm not just talking about this thing that passes as "football." They show the real shit too: football, baseball, basketball and even rugby. All you gotta do is ask the bartender to change the channel on like on of the million flat-screen TVs they got hanging around or on a big projection screen they got hanging in one corner.

I was taking this creative writing class for incoming freshmen, and we learned about narrative arcs and stuff. Luckily, even though I blacked out, I still managed to finish off the night with a happy Hollywood ending. I was playing a game eight ball with a some British guy, when I stared getting friendly with a Russian girl playing Russian billiards all by herself (MOTORHOME has a huge space with both Russian billiards and standard American pool tables, eight in all). She reads The eXile (at least she told me that), so I'm not gonna fuck anything up by writing anything indecent about her. I still do have a week left here. All I can say is that I'm definitely gonna take my semester abroad here in Russia. I love Russia! I love you Natasha!

Two more bits of information before I head out the door (after all, I gotta work off the tittie bar tab the eXile was nice enough to provide me with). First, their ladies chill out room is in the process of being converted to a Persian-style hookah/kalyan chill out room sometime in the next week or so.


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The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

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