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[SIC!] February 20, 2008
 
Your Letters
 
Page 2 of 3
 

HUGHES AND ABUSE

Dear Dr Dolan,

I think your book reviews, both at The Exile and on amazon.com, are excellent. I note however that they seem to peter out about February 2007. Do you plan to write any more?

Best wishes

Patrick Hughes

Dear Mr. Hughes,

Thank you for asking about Dr. Dolan. Yes, he does plan to write more. In fact the first thing he's planning to write is a letter to you, Patrick Hughes. Yes, it's a thank you note for the $1000 check you're sending him in the mail to write more free stuff for your entertainment. Isn't Dr. Dolan the bomb? You are planning to send that check, right?

Because it would be kinda embarrassing, for you I mean, to get that thank you letter BEFORE you send the check. But that won't happen. Otherwise we'll send your address to President McCain's "gook database" and then we'll see who's laughing.

SWEEDUMB

War Nerd,

Hi, I've started to read your columns and are enjoying them a lot. I have not read all your columns yet, but I wanted to add a thought about occupation. You often say and mention that the only way to succesfully occupy a foreign country is to kill all the locals. This is true. It have been known for a long time. Already in the bible god told Joshua that if he wanted to control Jericho he must kill all who lived there. Already then the truth about occupation. Wonder when the political correct people will accept it.

Another thing in the bible, the bible contains a description of the succesful use of Terrorism. I am talking about Moses and the Plagues of Egypt. Pure Terrorism. Anyway, I am not a very religious person, just an ordinary guy who

lives in Sweden and wanted to share my thoughts.

Keep up the good work.

Stefan Lagneval

Sweden

Dear Mr. Lagneval,

Yahweh replies, "I was about to get really, really angry, in a Yahweh-angry sort of way, after seeing you smear my plagues as 'terrorism.' Do you know what terrorism is, pal? Terrorism is when mortal humans who don't have a state to call their own blow up other people in a cowardly way. Well actually it's when non-Judeo-Christians blow up Judeo-Christians, okay? Let's just call a gourd a gourd here. Now I ask you: how were my plagues 'terrorism'? I was trying to free my people the best way I knew how, and everything I did was covered in the Galilee Conventions of 3206 B.C. But then I saw that you're Swedish, and ordinary at that. You poor creature! I have to admit, even I, Yahweh, never had the heart to unleash an 'Ordinary Swedish' plague on the Egyptians. Kill their first born? Sure. Frogs from the sky? I'm pretty proud of that one myself, way ahead of my time. People are still trying to figure that one out 4000 years later! But unleashing a plague that would turn every man in Egypt into an ordinary Swede? No way! That's just...sick. How could I go on godding with that on my conscience! But maybe that's just because I have a conscience, unlike certain gods I know. Take Baal, he'd have no problem with it. I'm telling you Baal always had a ram's horn loose somewhere in his brain. He once tried to do something like that to the Chaldeans, when he inflicted a plague on them whereby every household's second-born daughter was turned into an ordinary Hurrian. A Hurrian! It was really cruel, but Baal enjoyed the cruelty. A real sadist that guy. Suddenly every Chaldean's second-born daughter changed: they wanted to have just one child at the age of 40, and they started demanding things like maternity care and the right to be beaten only twice a day rather than the customary 18 times a day, which at the time was considered very progressive. Baal thought it was a hoot watching the Chaldeans wailing over the loss of their second-born daughters, but I told Baal, 'You know, one of these days you're going to look back on this plague and you're going to have to answer for yourself, Baal. Can you really sleep at night knowing you inflicted this 'Hurrian' plague on the Chaldeans? It's like pulling wings off flies, Baal. You're above that! C'mon, we're gods here, so let's act like gods, okay? You make all of us look tawdry and cheap!' And Baal, he says, 'You know something Yahweh? I've been wanting to tell this to you ever since at least the day you created the oceans: I am so goddamn fed up with your sanctimonious bullshit, okay? I mean really! Who the underworld are you to point fingers at me? I mean, your 'frogs' plague? What's up with that? Hello! Maybe you didn't hear, but other gods are laughing at you! You're the late-night punchline in the Hittite comedy circuit. You're the laughingstock of all the Great Sea gods! You know what they call you behind your back? 'Frogweh.' Yeah, you heard me. So stop criticizing me and spend a few millennia looking at yourself. Get off your high horse, Yahweh, and remember one thing: you're just a god. You don't shit, you don't piss, and you don't eat. Just like the rest of us! And don't forget it!' So I said, 'Baal, you're a hurtful god. A very mean, hurtful god, and you cut me deep inside. I never expected that from you.' And Baal goes, 'You see? That's it! You're guilt-tripping me! This is what I'm talking about, man. Damn you Yahweh, you're the only god I know who guilt-trips other gods. Why don't you destroy a city or something, unleash an earthquake, just lay off me, man. Ishtar never guilt-trips me. El never guilt-trips me. No god but you does that, man!' And I said, 'Okay, you're right. I'm sorry. Obviously I'm some kind of monster here. I'm just going to go hide out in some bush over there for awhile, I'll leave you guys alone. Gonna go hang out with my people, even though they're forsaking me. You're right, it's all my fault.' And Baal goes, 'Ohhh man! Rrrgggh! Okay, look, I'm sorry Yahweh, just please don't guilt-trip me? I can't handle it, I'm serious. Throw me a lightening bolt at least, will you? Give me drought, but please, none of this guilt trip stuff, I can't deal. Look, since we're fessing up I should tell you, it's because of your guilt-tripping that none of the other gods have wanted to hang out with you for the past 800 years now.' And I said, 'Oh, is that why I haven't seen El and Ishtar for 800 years? But I thought El and Ishtar's fertility gods wouldn't let them go out at night, that was why they couldn't...you mean they lied to me?' And Baal says, 'Look, all I'm saying is maybe we should all just have a cooling off period. Next full moon, let's get together, me, you, Ishtar, Hadad, even Isis...we'll all hook up, destroy a few cities, maybe set off an earthquake or two, pop open some gourds, and just relax man.' And I said, 'Yeah, sure, fine. You mind if I bring my son along?' And Baal goes, 'You have a son? I didn't know. Congratulations!' And I acted all quiet and humble and stuff, because what Baal didn't know is that my son...he got all the guilt-tripping genes and then some. His looks he got from the Holy Ghost, but the guilt-tripping is all my side, thank you very much. And when it comes to guilt-tripping, my son makes me look like an amateur, like a regular Girgashite. Not even a Girgashite, but like a Hamathite! I remember saying under my breath, 'Yeah, Baal, just you wait. Little do you know the awesome powers of guilt-tripping. You're still stuck in the Bronze Age mindset of earthquakes and plagues, but your time is past, your thinking is very 'BC.' The future belongs to the guilt-tripping gods! Mwah-hah-hah!' But I didn't say that. All I said was, 'Yeah, okay, sure. Whatever you can spare an old washed up god like me, I'll be grateful. Don't worry about me! You go have fun, I'll just hang out in this bush over here. Seriously, I'm fine."


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