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Celeb-Retard February 20, 2008
 
Celebrity Roundup
By Kitty McFarlane Browse author
 
 

Same Shit Different Day

This past week, to no one's surprise, Britney Spears was again hospitalized on a 5150 (a psychiatric evaluation). She is expected to be held longer this time around, and she has reportedly been classified as "GD" - gravely disabled. Did it really take them this long to figure that out?

Meanwhile, Britney has become completely predictable and tedious. And people are getting all uppity about media coverage of Britney now that it has been officially established that she is mentally ill. Says one professional: "She has a disease. Sometimes when you see her she's in the middle of an episode. It's like mocking someone with Down Syndrome." (Could this mean she'll now qualify as an Al Qaeda suicide bomber?)

I disagree. Mocking Britney is much more fun than mocking Corky.

For now, Brit-Brit's parents are attempting to "clean house," i.e. get rid of all of the human parasites around Britney, including self-proclaimed Manager Sam "Osama" Lufti, who reacted by launching a shit-flinging campaign against Britney's family; he claims they are all crazy. Osama and celebslave website x17 seem to be the only ones upset by the actions of Britney's parents. Could it be because they're about to lose control of their meal ticket?

OMIGOD! Did you hear?

Heath Ledger dead blah blah blah dead yadda yadda dead.

For some reason the American public has spontaneously sprouted a conscience - but only for Heath. We joined forces to enjoy the spectacle of Anna Nicole Smith's demise, and we gleefully make bets on when and where Pete Doherty's final wet spot will be found. Remember when we had to watch the pope die for like six weeks straight? That was CNN's idea of entertainment.

But there must have been something special about Heath Ledger. And I must have missed what that was. People keep talking about how wonderful he was and couldn't we please just let everyone grieve? Don't you dare publish the name of his funeral house! Don't disclose the make and model of his casket! The public is uncharacteristically shocked and dismayed that television shows and tabloids have started to dish out the dirt circus and sprout rumors of drug addition. Have you not noticed before? That is what they do! Hey, at least they waited a WHOLE WEEK this time.

Heath Ledger, your death has grown tiresome.

NEXT!!

D'oh!

Project Chanology, spearheaded by "Anonymous," has released several videos on youtube speaking out against our favorite sci-fi cult: Scientology. Videos urge viewers to google victims of the so-called "Church," organize DoS attacks and join protests outside of Scientology centers on February 10th. In potentially related news, several Scientology centers were closed down after receiving an unidentified white powder in the mail on January 31st.

If this pans out and Anonymous actually does what it claims it will do, this could be the most entertaining conflict ever.

Unfortunately, reports also emerged this week that Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, made a $10 million donation to Scientology, doubling Tom Cruise's pansy $5 million donation. Connections between the expensive cult and Jerry Seinfeld were also established, after the comedian admitted to having attended Scientology "courses," which he found "helpful." Add Beck to the mix, and I have officially lost all of the faith I have ever had in the human race.

The Gentrification of a Name - Almost!

Last week reports emerged that Puff Puffy Diddy Daddy Sean John Assclown Combs had once again informed the public that he now wishes to be known as The Artist Formerly Known as Donkey Thong. It was reported that the mogul, who has reaped millions from the death of his cash cow best friend Biggie Smalls and somehow managed to trick Americans into believing that wearing a suit is a skill, now wants everyone to call him Sean John.


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