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Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

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Celeb-Retard March 24, 2008
Celeb-Retard Roundup!

Daddy’s Girls

The say that family is the foundation of society. Thank God we have so many exemplary celebrity families to light the way for the rest of us. Families provide guidance and support, and family can help you stay in or out of the tabloids, depending on your specific needs at the time. After all, isn’t that really what it’s all about?

And let’s face it, some celebs need extra support, especially today's young female stars. The recipe calls for sugar and spice and everything nice — and when you add fame, lots of hard liquor, red bull and some crack cocaine, well… let’s just say it’s not pretty. Women are already crazy enough as it is, and these girls need extra special direction. That’s where Daddy comes in.

Oh Baby Baby

Currently the perfect example of "Daddy knows best," Jamie Spears has done what no other papa could do: he made Britney’s pink wig disappear. He made the scary voices with really bad fake British accents go away. He banished the evil scalp-eating extensions. He got in there and got his conservatorship on, cast out the malevolent papitude of Osama Lufti and hired bodyguards that actually do their job. That’s right, Britney fans - there is hope once again. If this continues, Britney may eventually make that comeback people keep talking about. Now, if only he could get her to wear a bra!

Jesus Rules

As if Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan didn't have enough on her hands with her ambitious momager... Even before her stint at rehab, her ex-con born-again father has been searching for the limelight —strike that— reconciliation with his eldest daughter. These days, when he’s not thumping his bible and speaking about how important his daughter's sobriety is, Michael Lohan is pitching reality TV show concepts starring... Michael Lohan. This puts a new twist on classic celebudad-famous daughter synergy. The Tabloid Baby website summed it up nicely: "He began the year in prison. He ended the year co-starring as Joseph with a plastic Baby Jesus in a live-action nativity display in the middle of Times Square." Clearly, the road to vicarious stardom will be a long one for Michael Lohan. Keep praying!

Daddy Knows Best (Friends)

Brooke Hogan farts in her father’s general direction.

Thanks to the Attack of the Celebrity Reality Show, we were subjected to Hogan Knows Best, the tedious disaster that brought us Brooke Hogan. Le sigh. Somehow, against everything that is Natural and Good, Brooke Hogan's sort-of-career began to kind of blossom. We’re not clear on exactly what it is that she does, other than wear chaps fashioned out of old jeans and pose for pictures at "events" in dresses custom-made for the big-boned daughter of a former "wrestling" champion. For now, we are all weathering the scandal of her parents’ divorce: wouldn’t you know it, Hulk Hogan allegedly cheated on his wife with Brooke’s (now ex-) best friend. Unfortunately, what with Brooke’s blogging about it every five minutes, this means an extension of her already overly-generous fifteen minutes. Hey thanks, Dad!

Daddy Digs the Double D’s!

What would Jesus do if he was a born again dad of a celebrity?

Apparently when you are Jessica Simpson, you need the kind of support that lifts and separates, especially after your dad announces your bra size to the media. Creeping out everyone within range, Papa Joe - who manages his two D-list daughters - made a name for himself as number one skeezy dad a few years ago when he told GQ magazine about his eldest daughter’s sexy funbags. "You can't cover those suckers up!" And truly, where would Jessica be without her father? Oh wait, her last album flopped, her last movie went straight to DVD, and no one’s seen her in weeks! I guess it's time to start planning a strategic nip slip, right Papa?

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Georgia in the Crunch :
Revisiting 12: Mikhalkov's "Oscar-Worthy" Remake : Insidious pro-Putin remake incites "One Angry Moviegoer"
The Fortnight Spin: Moscow Entertainment :

JunkYard :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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