Mankind's only alternative 23   JUL.   17  
Mankind's only alternative
War Nerd RSS
MAIN  RUSSIA  WAR NERD   [SIC!]  BAR-DAK  THE VAULT  ABOUT US  RSS
 
 
EXILE BLOGS

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

[SIC!] April 16, 2008
 
Your Letters
 
 

[SIC] LETTER OF THE WEEK! RUDY CAN FAIL

Dear Jared,

Hey man - just wanted to give you a shout thanking you for the live music tips. I'm actually a music consultant working for sony pictures that just got out here a few weeks ago and am excited about checking out some live music while I'm out here for the next couple months. I already have a slate of stuff scheduled (Barbara Morgenstern, Telefon Tel Aviv, Nouvelle Vague etc) but want to thank you in advance for any russian artists that you bring to my attn. I'll keep checking your space online, and let me know if you ever feel like meeting up at a show for a beer or four.

Cheers,

Rudy

Dear Rudy, Yahweh replies, "Rudy, you poor wayward son, heed Mine words: For I say unto thee, 'Dude, what the fuck is wrong with thee! Thou art a frickin Sony Pictures producer in a town full of fertile womenfolk of child-bearing age! Think not of imbibing 4 foul beers with this Jared geek, and start thinking like a frickin Sony Pictures producer already!' Okay seriously, I'm gonna let My hair down hair here, tone down the rhetoric, and address you one-to-one, Dios a mano, okay? Look, do you realize what your business card can score us in a place like Moscow? Do I have to spell it out for you? YOU ARE A BABE MAGNET, RUDY! Capice? BEE-AY-BEE-EE MAGNET! Seriously, that Sony Pictures producer card is worth 10 Tribes of Israel minimum. Here's what I propose: Friday night. You bring your Sony Pictures business cards. I bring My omniscient powers and My virgin-baby trick. The two of us in the Krysha chill-out bar? Forget it! Every Masha, Tanya and Sveta will be eating out of the palms of our hands. We'll have to peel the girls off of our chaps. (You do wear chaps, don't you? Last time I made an appearance on earth, chaps were all the rage, but no one told Me so I arrived chap-less. Some funny bastards made a movie about that last disastrous visit of Mine, adding humiliation upon humiliation by hiring a crusty old geezer named Burns something-or-other to play Me, and a retard named John Denver as my Chosen One. Yeah, real funny, wasn't it? I'll tell you what was funny—when I whispered into Denver's ear, 'Try flying the Long EZ craft over the Monterey Bay, it's totally safe!' Punished that Burns prick by making him live until he was 120 years old, crapping into his Depends. Worked too. Next thing you know, they hired only the A-listers to play me. You've got your William Defoes, your Morgan Freemans, your Mel Gibsons getting on the whole Yawheh-And-Son thing. You see what I'm talking about here Rudy? Only the A-list!) Anyway, throw me a prayer this Thursday night, and I'll have my people contact your people."

THE GLOATING PLANET

Mr. Kalashnikov,

Dude, oh my god, your post "Americans Suck Dick For Gas Money" was like the most virulently anti-American thing I have read. It was so brilliant, thank you for writing that. Anyway, I am American and I understand your frustration. This is how I feel, and I live here. So imagine what that's like.

Jasper

Dear Mr. Jasper, You think it's hard being an American in declining America? Just imagine how hard it is being Vlad in ascending Russia? Seriously, it's getting lonely at the top. Success isn't all it's cracked up to be. You Americans, all declining and failing and stuff, you don't realize how authentic you seem to a successful modern Russian. Whatever you do, try not to change. When Russians travel to America, they want to get a taste of the authentic, extreme life you Americans live. It's so boring in Russia, every day getting richer and richer. What you Americans are doing by getting poorer and declining, it's so real, man. If only you could appreciate it as much as Vlad does!

ZIMPLETON

War Nerd,


SHARE:  Del.icio.us  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
 
 
FROM THE VAULT
Luke Harding
The Guardian Apologizes For Plagiarizing The eXile : Luke Harding Gets Nuked!

Get Your Putin On! :
Feature Story
FANTASY ELECTIONS : The eXile plays the Kremlin's hottest game

Birthing Pains :
 

 
 
 
LATEST ARTICLES

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...

 
 
 

    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442
E-mail: office@exile.ru