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The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sashaís...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

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Celeb-Retard April 7, 2008
 
The Beauty of Botched Plastic Surgery
By Kitty McFarlane Browse author
 
 

The eternal pursuit of beauty is certainly not a new phenomenon among the rich and famous. Vanity isn't so much a sin in La-La Land as it is a prerequisite, a marketing tool, an element of survival. Unfortunately, sometimes stars go a little too far in their search for the fountain of youth. We all know about the extremes of plastic surgery addiction, such as kid-diddler Michael Jackson and cat woman Jocelyn Wildenstein. But even celebs who are less zealous about rearranging their body parts can end up with disappointing results, often resulting in the much-feared Butter Faced Syndrome.

Material Girl

"No don’t look at my arms, look at my perfectly botoxed face!" Whoops, too late.

Madonna is now about five million years old, but she only looks about 50 from the neck up. With the help of various spare parts and meat waste, she has successfully managed time and again to reinvent herself and come up with new and interesting ways to get her dusty old twat on camera. While good ol' Madge has managed to keep her face shiny and new (well, one outta two ain't bad) the rest of her body betrays her ever-advancing age. Maybe all of that yoga, kaballah and excessive working out isnít doing her body good after all. Unfortunately for Madonna, there are no botox treatments for zombie hand flesh. Or for scary, droopy-skinned arms with weird, creepy muscles…

Ms. Ice-T

Coco whatever-her-last-name-is, aka Ice-Tís slut-alicious wife, already had Butter Face Syndrome, so she decided to have some work done on her gazongas. Itís an easy choice for porn stars, and anyway she probably wanted to even things out with all that junk inside her trunk. But somehow, this boob job went awry. Did she have too many boob jobs, or was it just one really big, bumpy implant? I'm not sure exactly how one gets the dented boob effect, or why one would want to retain the breast dimples, but Coco rocks it anyway. Careful, baby, youíll shoot your eye out. Rowr.

This job is known in industry jargon as the "double decker."

Do Your Jowls Hang Low

Lara Flynn Boyle hit the online rags last week after being caught on camera, apparently preparing for a role as Droopy Dog. Unlike some of the other celebs, this is probably the result of refusing to live the knifestyles of the rich and famous, or perhaps she just missed her biannual botox appointment. Twice. Recent articles printed six-year-old quotes from the once-taut thespian talking about how she feared getting older and entering the not-so-sought-after realm of the Older Actress. Lara, honey, you have arrived! With your resume, surely you have a coupla thou' you can invest in a little nip-n-tuck? A little less jowl-flap, a little more work, thatís what I always say.

Jiffy Lube

Priscilla Presley has been in the tabloids recently, and not because of her enthralling performances on Dancing with the Stars, one of the now ten zillion dancing shows you can catch on prime time these days. Thank you, striking writers. But no, Presley was in the retroactive spotlight the past week in connection with the 2004 arrest of a shady doc who injected his patients with auto lube.. Instead of having the same effect as botox, as promised, the lube job resulted in one bumpity, gelatinous mess, giving Elvisís wife (am I just really young, or shouldnít she have died eons ago?) with a weird "textured" look. Remember kids, just say no to "injection parties" and drive-through botox!

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FROM THE VAULT

Nato Stooges Unplugged : Bugged Telephone Call Reveals Shocking NATO Involvement...Georgian President Praises Financial Timesís Role In Propaganda War
The War Nerd
Burn, Malibu, Burn! : Fire: the most effective, underused weapon in the world

The World's Biggest (and Smallest) Crash-Test Site : From the people that brought you anti-matter
In Brief!
Al Gore Concedes Prize :
 

 
 
 
LATEST ARTICLES

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
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eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
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Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Scanning Moscowís Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

War Nerd Summer Reading Guide
The War Nerd By Gary Brecher
It’s summer, you’ve got a little more time off, so you can read up on war instead of trying to live in whatever boring suburb you live in. Lawns, neighbors, dogs, kids—it all sucks and the best thing you can do is get as far out of it as you can.

 
 
 

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