Mankind's only alternative 26   MAR.   17  
Mankind's only alternative
War Nerd RSS
MAIN  RUSSIA  WAR NERD   [SIC!]  BAR-DAK  THE VAULT  ABOUT US  RSS
 
 
EXILE BLOGS

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

[SIC!] May 8, 2008
 
Your Letters
 
 

[SIC] LETTER OF THE WEEK! [sic] LIKE A PIG!

(The following letter is a follow-up from an Oklahoma City-based fan of Vlad Kalashnikov. We think you’ll enjoy it so much that we interrupt the letter throughout to guide you through.)

Dear Mr. Kalashnikov,

Got your reply. here it is so you can remember what you said.

I don't live in a trailer park, I live in a house. My Uncle is not named Jethro neither did he put his dick up my ass. [NB: Your Uncle Jethro just wrote us saying, "Dear Editor, if my psychotic retard of a nephew named Daniel Allen writes you claiming that I never put my dick up his ass, he’s a liar. I still have the peanut residue on my shaft to prove it. Or rather, I used to, but he insisted on licking it off. Weird kid, that Daniel Allen. All I want to do is good ol’ fashioned incest and rape, you know, like how we Red State patriots always do, but he always insists on licking up every last peanut. Gotta Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup fetish, the boy does. Anyway, just thought I’d drop you a line. Back to Daniel Allen’s ass again…Sincerely, Uncle Jethro."—Ed.] Because I didn't go to journalism school like you did ,does not make me sub retarted. [Yes it does—Ed.] In fact, I will guarantee I can out do you in just about anything... you choose. Because I know, if you went into journalism... there isnt anything you can do with your hands except jerk off. [Sure, you’ve got a point there, but still, that doesn’t make you right about everything else—Ed.] That is to say, you can't make anything, or fix anything, or even survive if you didn't have a starbucks, or mcdonalds feeding you...[Yeah, but we can beat off with the best of ‘em—Ed.] and I will bet you were raised by your mother because your father was missing in action. [Ouch!—Ed.]

Unlike me Vlad. I wasnt missing in action. My grandfather, God rest his soul fought in that island hopping campagn hell in the south pacific. [Actually your grandfather wrote us too: "Please tell my sub-retarded grandson Daniel to stop licking the peanuts off of Uncle Jethro’s penis! It’s embarrassing me out here in Jewish purgatory. Yeah, that’s right, I’m in Jewish purgatory. Don’t ask me why, it’s all sub-retard’s fault for licking peanuts! Signed, Grandpa Bubba."] My Father was in Vietnam, his favorite weapon was a shotgun. [Now know why America lost the war in Vietnam—Ed.] (the Chinese really didn't like that sound, and would scatter when he used it) [Weird how after they scattered, they’d always manage to come back. By the way, what’s the word for what your dad did in Vietnam in 1975? Scatter? Oh, no, sorry. "Flee like a fucking loser" is more like it—Ed.] And my father taught me how to use one quite well. [We’re saved now!—Ed.]

When it came my turn I went to Kuwait, and helped to kicked Sadams ass back to Iraq. Its something I dont like to talk about...killing isn't fun, not is it a subject I boast about. [Uncle Jethro agrees: "That boy doesn’t like boasting about the peanut eating thing either. He’s really a quiet type, just gets right in there, gnawing on my shit-smeared penis, quietly eating every last peanut. No boastin’, just gittin’ down to business."—Ed.]

My head and arms are not abnormal, and if you give me the chance... I will show you what my arms are capable of... [Sure, why don’t you sign up for the Special Olympics discus throw?—Ed.] if you can crawl out from your cave... see while you have been typing away, Ive been building my body, and training to kick the shit out of skinny pimple faced goofballs like you. Hows about it Vlad? Im calling you out. I will be in Moscow in the spring...we can meet...hows about it? [Uh-oh, we’re doomed. Everybody, make sure you stop eating corn for the next few months or a special someone will have his head buried in your toilet every morning!—Ed.]


SHARE:  Del.icio.us  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
 
 
FROM THE VAULT

The eXile Guide to Aging :
Yair Klein: Russia's "Other" Viktor Bout
Yair Klein: Russia's "Other" Viktor Bout : Weapons, Cocaine, Israelis And Oligarchs

Shandra Club & Restaurant : PG Stripper Fun

Credit Nation On The Brink? : Blowing credit bubbles in Russia’s financial sector
 

 
 
 
LATEST ARTICLES

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...

 
 
 

    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442
E-mail: office@exile.ru