[SIC] LETTER OF THE WEEK! [sic] LIKE A PIG!
(The following letter is a follow-up from an Oklahoma City-based fan of Vlad Kalashnikov. We think you’ll enjoy it so much that we interrupt the letter throughout to guide you through.)
Dear Mr. Kalashnikov,
Got your reply. here it is so you can remember what you said.
I don't live in a trailer park, I live in a house. My Uncle is not named Jethro neither did he put his dick up my ass. [NB: Your Uncle Jethro just wrote us saying, "Dear Editor, if my psychotic retard of a nephew named Daniel Allen writes you claiming that I never put my dick up his ass, he’s a liar. I still have the peanut residue on my shaft to prove it. Or rather, I used to, but he insisted on licking it off. Weird kid, that Daniel Allen. All I want to do is good ol’ fashioned incest and rape, you know, like how we Red State patriots always do, but he always insists on licking up every last peanut. Gotta Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup fetish, the boy does. Anyway, just thought I’d drop you a line. Back to Daniel Allen’s ass again…Sincerely, Uncle Jethro."—Ed.] Because I didn't go to journalism school like you did ,does not make me sub retarted. [Yes it does—Ed.] In fact, I will guarantee I can out do you in just about anything... you choose. Because I know, if you went into journalism... there isnt anything you can do with your hands except jerk off. [Sure, you’ve got a point there, but still, that doesn’t make you right about everything else—Ed.] That is to say, you can't make anything, or fix anything, or even survive if you didn't have a starbucks, or mcdonalds feeding you...[Yeah, but we can beat off with the best of ‘em—Ed.] and I will bet you were raised by your mother because your father was missing in action. [Ouch!—Ed.]
Unlike me Vlad. I wasnt missing in action. My grandfather, God rest his soul fought in that island hopping campagn hell in the south pacific. [Actually your grandfather wrote us too: "Please tell my sub-retarded grandson Daniel to stop licking the peanuts off of Uncle Jethro’s penis! It’s embarrassing me out here in Jewish purgatory. Yeah, that’s right, I’m in Jewish purgatory. Don’t ask me why, it’s all sub-retard’s fault for licking peanuts! Signed, Grandpa Bubba."] My Father was in Vietnam, his favorite weapon was a shotgun. [Now know why America lost the war in Vietnam—Ed.] (the Chinese really didn't like that sound, and would scatter when he used it) [Weird how after they scattered, they’d always manage to come back. By the way, what’s the word for what your dad did in Vietnam in 1975? Scatter? Oh, no, sorry. "Flee like a fucking loser" is more like it—Ed.] And my father taught me how to use one quite well. [We’re saved now!—Ed.]
When it came my turn I went to Kuwait, and helped to kicked Sadams ass back to Iraq. Its something I dont like to talk about...killing isn't fun, not is it a subject I boast about. [Uncle Jethro agrees: "That boy doesn’t like boasting about the peanut eating thing either. He’s really a quiet type, just gets right in there, gnawing on my shit-smeared penis, quietly eating every last peanut. No boastin’, just gittin’ down to business."—Ed.]
My head and arms are not abnormal, and if you give me the chance... I will show you what my arms are capable of... [Sure, why don’t you sign up for the Special Olympics discus throw?—Ed.] if you can crawl out from your cave... see while you have been typing away, Ive been building my body, and training to kick the shit out of skinny pimple faced goofballs like you. Hows about it Vlad? Im calling you out. I will be in Moscow in the spring...we can meet...hows about it? [Uh-oh, we’re doomed. Everybody, make sure you stop eating corn for the next few months or a special someone will have his head buried in your toilet every morning!—Ed.]