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America May 28, 2008
13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
By Eileen Jones Browse author Email
Page 2 of 3

Nicolas Cage

Note how the disease is eating his face. He looks like the skull of Gomer Pyle. This has rendered him incapable of impersonating a human being, with serious consequences for any movie he stars in. Look at the trailer for the upcoming Pang Brothers film, Bangkok Dangerous, in which he’s supposed to play a top assassin who gets involved with normal people, a flat-out preposterous premise. Nobody’s going to let this leprous freak near them.

Seth Rogan/Jonah Hill

Apparently the same person somehow projecting younger or older through trick photography, Rogan/Hill displays a nasty variation of Mad Star Disease known colloquially as "Pig-man Syndrome." This refers to the symptoms of swollen pink flesh combined with compulsive exhibitionism responsible for so much plump male nudity in contemporary Hollywood comedies (Knocked Up, Superbad, and more coming out every day). Additional symptoms include obscene rants, gross misogyny, general tiresomeness. Audiences now pay a high price for a few dirty laughs courtesy of writer-director-producer-disease carrier Judd Apatow. Cover your eyes for the pig-man horrors of Jason Segal in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Barbra Streisand

One of the first recorded sufferers, Streisand may have originally contracted the disease from her early cannibalistic practices, eating ground-up personal assistants. Since then she’s been a veritable Typhoid Mary, poisoning whole songbooks by some of the greatest American composers and rendering countless films unclean. It is believed she infected young Jack Nicholson on the set of the 1970 musical flop, On a Clear Day You Can See Forever. (No kidding, he plays her would-be boyfriend.) This just shows how long the disease’s incubation period can run: Nicholson didn’t start displaying symptoms till after The Shining in 1980.

Jack Nicholson

He wasn’t always the ubiquitous fat toad in sunglasses you see now. Before the onset of Mad Star Disease, he was young, lean, exciting, and an actor. The toxins have so taken over his system, already undermined by decades of cocaine-and-floozy abuse, that today he’s capable of nothing more than sitting in the front row at the Academy Awards, or on the floor at Lakers’ games, chuckling mindlessly. Which is still preferable to attempts at acting in films like The Bucket List.

Tom Cruise

He’s in the last stages of the disease. The overt symptoms include twitchy rants, stumping for Scientology, spasmodic couch-jumping, and irreversible idiocy. His sudden decline has been so appalling it’s obscured the fact that he’s been a pox-ridden carrier for years. Young female stars in extended contact with him have all begun displaying symptoms of the brain turning to sponge. Health inspectors are holding out hope for Penelope Cruz’s recovery, but Katie Holmes is despaired of.

Nicole Kidman

Obviously, she caught it from Tom. By most accounts she was a fairly wholesome creature, for an actress, before she met him. That is, until she was, what, 23? And then slowly but surely she succumbed. Now the disease is so far advanced her face is frozen, her eyes shoot venom, and she’s in movies like Bewitched and The Hours.

Angelina Jolie

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
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Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

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eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

War Nerd Summer Reading Guide
The War Nerd By Gary Brecher
It’s summer, you’ve got a little more time off, so you can read up on war instead of trying to live in whatever boring suburb you live in. Lawns, neighbors, dogs, kids—it all sucks and the best thing you can do is get as far out of it as you can.


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