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America May 28, 2008
13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
By Eileen Jones Browse author Email
Page 3 of 3
The strange thing is, she was diagnosed years ago, when her symptoms included knife-wielding, blood-sporting, press-pandering, dreadful films, and omnisexual urges including incestuous brother-love. Then she was "turned around" by Brad Pitt, according to several authorities, and once again she seemed to cast a starry glow on every exotic child she adopted. But don’t be fooled. All the pious charity work in the world can’t disguise the mad gleam in the eyes. Just look at her eyes! Then look at her films! That’s sponge-brain at work!


We live in fear of what she might embrace next, now that she’s blighted pop music, yoga, Kabbalah, Evita, bisexuality, and British accents. (Luckily we don’t care what happened to Guy Richie.)

Elton John

Though he may look like he’s got the worst case of gout since Henry VIII, that’s only one of the ways Mad Star Disease presents itself: in a swollen-to-bursting-point appearance (see Pig-man Syndrome, above), accompanied by extreme wackiness and a refusal to go away. What do you think really killed Anna Nicole Smith? William Shatner, John Travolta, and Kirstie Alley will also require close monitoring.

David Mamet

Only now do scientists realize that the weird stilted speech patterns of the characters in so many Mamet plays and scripts (House of Games, Oleanna, The Spanish Prisoner) represent how distorted the world actually SOUNDS to someone suffering from advanced Mad Star Disease. Imagine the torment! Recently, the famous writer "came out of the closet" as a right-wing conservative, shocking nobody. This is another frequent symptom of Mad Star Disease, making unnecessary announcements to the press. Elton John once announced that he was gay.

Jim Carrey

There’s no mistaking it, is there? The crazed beady eyes, the appalling facial and bodily contortions—oh wait, that’s Carrey being funny. And we have to confess that the repulsive effects of the sickness actually did help make him funny, one of the rare cases of Mad Star Disease improving a celebrity. In Living Color, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Dumb and Dumber? Great. But The Majestic, The Number 23, and other attempts to be a serious actor or a romantic lead? The sooner he’s put down, the better!

Michael Jackson

No more speculation about what’s wrong with this guy. Now we know.

Of course there are many, many others who will have to be culled as well—Mariah Carey, Sean Penn, Woody Allen, Anthony Hopkins, Robin Williams, M. Night Shyamalan, Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta-Jones—we’re looking at YOU. However, there are a few infected celebrities who have been receiving treatment and appear to be recovering. We’re especially pleased with Alec Baldwin’s progress in overcoming grotesque, disfiguring symptoms of Mad Star Disease: the tell-tale bloat, the frothing rants, the bad movies. In spite of all this, we can’t afford to lose him, he’s just that fascinating—have you SEEN him on 30 Rock?

Moving on to Step 3. Once we’re done Thinning the Herd, we can proceed with our healthy star stock. Let’s see, who’ve we got left?

Well, there’s Johnny Depp. That’s ONE.

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