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Restaurant Review May 15, 2008
The (Culinary) Battle of Vinograd
By Field Marshal von Paulus Browse author

Against mein better judgment, I heff followed mein fuhrer's orders to rewiew VINOGRAD, despite ze fact dat they heff no schnitzel. It is difficult for me to understand ze ironic approach zat ze take, and more difficult to understand how de manager can get away wit ze handle-bar mustachio zat e insists on vearing. De new-ish cafe, brought to you by ze volk who formerly ran ze Real McCoy, is located not far from de Belorussian front, in a basement near Zen Coffee. It is equal parts bar and restaurant, vich does not lend itzelf to zis rewiew format. But, zince I do not heff ze spine to refuse a direct order, I will heff to deal wit my impossible order, as it is better zan taking mein own life.

Winograd is no place for ze good German soldier. In fact, I am glad zat so few of mien troops from ze 6th Army survived, because I do not savor ze sought of zem reweling in a place zuch as zis. Vich goess to show you zat perhaps mein fuhrer was more far zinking zan I zought. Zis in turn impliess zat perhaps I should not complain about zis assignment. But zis type of relativizm is exactly vat I vished to awoid. Oi vey!

I am also predisposed to dizlike Winograd because, vhile it iz wery weasonably pwiced, ze beer is avfully expensiwe. So, vhile a Jameson viskey costs a moderate 180 rubles unt Russian Standard wodka costs just 100 rubles, ze cheapest beer iz 230 rubles. Zey are celebrating ze wictory ower my people ewery day here vit zer ridiculous prices!

Ze food iz also difficult for a straight zhooter zuch as myself to understand. Zey have a similar menu to Ze McCoys, except like everyzing zes days, ze portions are slightly smaller and ze quality slightly better. Zey have some Tex Mex und some pasta dishes, but I decided to try de 350 ruble grilled chicken, vich I liked in spite of myself. Ze grilled weggies that came wiz it vere weri tasty, und ze chicken itzelf vas nice and juizy.

Unfortunately, ze DJ spoiled mein appetite. Dis is not your typical progressive hoess zat belongs in ze stylich Moscau restaurants zat vould blend in Berlin or even mein Vaterland in Frankfurt. But no, zey had to give ze "turntables" (I heff ze quotation marks because in fact he used ze CD mixer und ewen de ipod) to ze Albanian. I vould razer heff un single division of Romanians zan an entire battalion of ze Albanians! Zis DJ who plays his funk music ewery Thurzday vould gif me no peace! I vould razer be locked in ze vindovless basement und raped by mein pater for 18 years zan forced to listen to zis Albanian again. Zat would be pleasurable compared to heffing to listen to ze Albanian DJ at ze vindovless basement in Winograd. In fact, I vould beg for zis treatment! Please, pater, please! Ich bin sehr erfreut!


Metro: Belorusskaya

Telephone: 251-7700

Address: Lesnaya 1/2

Hours: 24

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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