I'm calling in an urgent request for reinforcements, before we're overrun. The eXile, my HQ since I started this column, has been sucker-punched by a bunch of squeamish bureaucrats and anonymous complainers. You know the type, the kind of people who'll poison your dog but don't have the guts to come to your door. Looks like this Fifth Column is winning, and we'll be forced to retreat from Moscow. And you know how messy retreats from Moscow can get. Ask the Little Corporal; he left the Kremlin with half a million men and came home with about enough for a high-school marching band.
Well, the Bible gives clear instructions on what to do if the locals spit on you for trying to help'em out. It's right there in the Book, in fact the Book of Mark, Chapter 6 if I recall, makes for a nice Mark-Ames tie-in, huh? Here's what the Bible says:
"And whosoever shall not hear you, when ye depart, shake off the dust under your feet for a testimony against them. Verily, It shall be easier for Sodom and Gomorrah in the day of judgment, than for them."
Ya hear that, Moscow, ya ungrateful place? We're shakin' your dust from our 'Nam boots and setting up a new site somewhere not so allergic to truth, boobs and gory jokes. Maybe we can get Eritrea to give us a home. I volunteer to be the eXile's Eritrean rep right now.
The thing is, it takes money and we have none, zero, aren't even getting paid any more. We need help. That's what this mayday is about. You want us in the foxhole with you, fighting against all that's good and decent in the name of all that's funny and honest? Then cough it up, soldier!
—Gary Brecher, The War Nerd
The eXile needs you to donate money right away so that we can pay our system administrator and find a new server somewhere overseas, and maybe throw the War Nard a few Milk Duds. Click the button below to donate through PayPal and make yourself feel good in 2 E-Z steps.