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A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
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Feature Story |
August 24, 2007 |
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Cold Bullshit Ten Piles of "New Cold War" Crap
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Diagnosis: Eat more rice and bananas
STOOL SAMPLE #2:
Gravity's Rainbow 2: Allude Harder
Perfect for protecting you and your family from gamma rays
Characteristics: Like kibbles 'n bits
Analysis: There was good Cold War literature, such as everything
Phillip K. Dick wrote. And then there was the worst, most overrated, idiotic Cold War
literature imaginable, and it was called Gravity's Rainbow. Ever since the Cold War wound
down, Thomas Pynchon has been searching for a Big Topic to justify writing an endless
series of unnecessarily verbose, allusion-packed meta-fiction tomes. Lewis & Clark just
didn't cut it, not even among Critical Theory groupies. It was getting to the point
recently where even America's fawning literary world was finally waking up to the fact that
they'd been nurturing a talentless fraud all these years, and that no one really had to
pretend to like Pynchon anymore. Thanks to the Cold War Sequel, Pynchon will finally have a
chance to return to doing what he loves most: making cheap hippie jokes about how ICBM
rockets are really just flying phalluses. And once again, the literary establishment will
think he's on to something, because they never imagined you could make juvenile sex jokes
in serious works of art that make allusions to other serious works of art.
Diagnosis: In 2009, Thomas Pynchon will release a 3,405-page New Cold
War opus so totally unreadable that it will become required reading in every university,
spawning a new literary trend called "neo-post-modernism."
STOOL SAMPLE #3:
The Shanghai Cooperation Organization
Revenge of the Nerds
Characteristics: Lots of loud squeaky farting, just a few slimy
shitlets
Analysis: First it was called "The Shanghai Five." But that sounded a
little too much like a Chevy Chase/Steve Martin vehicle, the kind of mildly funny family
comedy that ends up mildly disappointing everyone, including the studios. But as the
Coalition of the Willing fell apart in Iraq, and America started getting kicked out of
dictatorships like Uzbekistan, suddenly the Russophobic neocons started referring to the
loose, cautiously-anti-American military alliance between Russia, China, Kazakhstan,
Uzbekistan and Tajikistan as "The Coalition of Dictatorships." Only problem is that the
West is heavily invested, literally and otherwise, into Kazakhstan (which may take over the
OSCE in 2009), is trying to woo Tajikistan away from Russia, and was shameless about
supporting Uzbekistan's brutal regime until the Andijan massacre ruined the whole
Uzbek-America romance. Now the Shanghai Five is renaming itself "The Shanghai Cooperation
Organization," which has a kind of scary-by-way-of-trying-to-sound-faceless ring to it. But
the SCO suffers from a few basic problems. Like, for example, the fact that Russia knows
that its surest path to extinction is to throw itself at the mercy of 1.3 billion Chinese
just waiting to overflow into resource-rich, population-scarce Siberia. Plus elitny
Russians still prefer shopping in London and Milan, and parking their yachts in the
Sardinia, not the Sea of China. And then there's the armed forces of Tajikistan, Kazakhstan
and Uzbekistan: besides smuggling drugs and boiling dissidents alive, what threat do they
really pose to anyone except to themselves?
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The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.
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[SIC!]
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[SIC!]
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It’s summer, you’ve got a little more time off, so you can read up on war instead of trying to live in whatever boring suburb you live in. Lawns, neighbors, dogs, kids—it all sucks and the best thing you can do is get as far out of it as you can.
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