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Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

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Feature Story August 24, 2007
Cold Bullshit
Ten Piles of "New Cold War" Crap
Page 3 of 6 6 more photos

Diagnosis: The Shanghai Cooperation Organization is a classic nerd's club. Every single one of them - all five - would drop their buddies in a heartbeat and join the popular clique in Strasbourg or Brussels if only someone would care to invite them.


The dreaded Russian Armed Forces

Polish politicians: You can just stare at them for hours

Characteristics: Dribbling, thin, watery

Analysis: The latest "Cold War Two" headlines were all about how Russia is resuming longrange bomber flights, just like they did in the Cold War, when we were all always five minutes away from total extinction. Problem is, these reports leave out one big detail. If you look at the photo of the bombers that are supposedly threatening the West's very existence, you'll notice that THE TU BOMBERS RUN ON PROPELLAR ENGINES. Repeat: propellers. Um, tovarishi, has anyone ever told you about something called the "jet engine"? Yeah, some countries started using them about, oh, 60-70 years ago. Maybe you've seen a jet engine? Looks kind of like a propeller engine, only without the propeller. Fact is, real bombers haven't used propellers since around the time of the Red Baron. Oh, and the Western press scared us all with reports that the Russians are also going to send a boat to a Mediterranean port for a few days. Yeah that's right: a Russian boat can actually sail from the Black Sea to the Mediterranean, and stay there. That's it, we're all doomed now. Say goodbye to the Western Way of Life as we know it! Brace yourselves for future Cold War alarmist headlines about the scary Russian armed forces: "Russia revives horse cavalry units; Westerners build horse-proof bunkers!" "Russia develops new three-edged spear to counter US space weaponry!" Let's face facts: the Russian armed forces can barely manage to keep their own country from disintegrating, so the idea of them one day rolling across Europe, or even across the MKAD, is about as ridiculous as The eXile being sued by the guy from Maroon 5.

Diagnosis: Scattered silliness with a chance of lunacy developing by late afternoon.


The dreaded American Hyperpower

Some Russian missiles are so accurate, they can hit the fifth fret from 12,000 miles

Characteristics: Perfectly fluffy

Analysis: Between 2001 and 2002, every dip-shit pundit in the West fell over each other trying to come up with new hyperboles to describe America's alleged total world military dominance. Newsweek claimed that the US was the strongest power the world had ever known. A new word was coined, "hyperpower," to describe America's alleged paradigm-shattering full-spectrum dominance. And then the hyperpower came across a crowd of dust monkeys in Iraq, and whoosh! It was all "hype" and no "power." There was a time when real powerful nations took on other nations of equal or greater population strength and won. But this hyperpower is losing, or rather has already lost, to a country with less than 10% of America's population. Losing so badly that American generals admit they don't even have the forces to wage a war against another Third World nation, Iran. Meanwhile, North Korea, which is like the White Castle Burger of bullshit villain-nations, has been taunting the US hyperpower and laughing in its face, building nukes at will, setting them off like annoying neighbors with fireworks, and America can't do a durned thing about it.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

War Nerd Summer Reading Guide
The War Nerd By Gary Brecher
It’s summer, you’ve got a little more time off, so you can read up on war instead of trying to live in whatever boring suburb you live in. Lawns, neighbors, dogs, kids—it all sucks and the best thing you can do is get as far out of it as you can.


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