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Diagnosis: In this Cold War, both sides are complete fucking jokes. In
the first Cold War, hardware seemed to be everything. But this time around, America's
massively expensive armed forces are just as useless as Russia's decaying forces.
STOOL SAMPLE #6:
The return of Sovietology
John Gaddis: "My students deserve their very own Cold War to chronicle and
assess."
Characteristics: Total constipation
Analysis: Ah, Sovietology, that was the Golden Age for the tweedy
Beigeocrats working in East Coast universities and think tanks. They got every single
fucking thing wrong about Russia during the Cold War, but they sure did have nice
murmer-filled cocktail parties and attend all sorts of musty conferences, and they
published reams and reams of reports and analyses to back up their claims, until the whole
industry collapsed in 1989. The Sovietologists were exposed as little more than witch
doctors that year, since none of them foresaw the collapse. The only saving grace is that
the people who replaced the Sovietologists - twerps like Bill Kristol and Paul Wolfowitz -
fucked everything up much worse and were proven wrong far more quickly. So all in all,
Sovietologists were the lesser of two evils.
Diagnosis: An enigma wrapped in a riddle inside of a box of
wet-wipes.
STOOL SAMPLE #7:
Czechs and Poles as uppity NATO hawks
Characteristics: Egg-shaped old-people shits
Stool sample analysis: At first it was sort of touching, like a
commercial for an after-school Big Brother/Big Sister program: After centuries of taking it
in both orifices, the Czechs and the Poles finally had an over-the-horizon superpower
friend to hold their hand and take them bowling on weekends; to walk them home from
Brussels and make sure no bullies stole their bike, destroyed their Jewry, or sat on their
heads for 50 years.
But the truth is it was never all that touching, because the Czechs and the Poles just
aren't that likeable. They're sour little East Europeans with enormous chips on their
little shoulders who couldn't wait to puff out their chests and stick out their tongues
while clinging to their new master's skirt.
The Catholic, porn-banning Poles, with their Great Nation delusions and child-like Pope
worship, are at least a factor worse than the Czechs, who are mostly content to swill their
beer and forget about the world outside their local hospoda. But for 15 years the Czechs
and the Poles have been a team, by far the most annoying kids in the New Europe classroom,
insufferable teacher's pets shooting up their hands at every question. These transfer
students only needed a C+ to get into NATO, but almost a decade after receiving their blue
and white diploma, they still bring an apple to school and stay late to wash the
chalkboard.
Atom bombs won the last world war, survival knifes will win the next
When the U.S. needed a new home for the terrorist-magnet headquarters of Radio Free
Europe/Radio Liberty, the Czechs offered up a few acres of prime downtown Prague real
estate before you could spell out "Svejk" in Staropramen piss script. When NATO needed a
high-dollar moral whore to bless the bombing of Belgrade, Vaclav Havel was suited up and
smoothing his mustache in the mirror before the first targets had been picked out. And when
Washington needed sites for its missile defense system, was there ever any doubt that
Prague and Warsaw would drop to their knees for a helping of missile defense pole? Can you
blame Moscow for wanting to point a few megaton-tipped rockets at these people?
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