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Vlad's Daily Gloat - The eXile Blog

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

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Feature Story August 24, 2007
Cold Bullshit
Ten Piles of "New Cold War" Crap
Page 4 of 6 6 more photos

Diagnosis: In this Cold War, both sides are complete fucking jokes. In the first Cold War, hardware seemed to be everything. But this time around, America's massively expensive armed forces are just as useless as Russia's decaying forces.


The return of Sovietology

John Gaddis: "My students deserve their very own Cold War to chronicle and assess."

Characteristics: Total constipation

Analysis: Ah, Sovietology, that was the Golden Age for the tweedy Beigeocrats working in East Coast universities and think tanks. They got every single fucking thing wrong about Russia during the Cold War, but they sure did have nice murmer-filled cocktail parties and attend all sorts of musty conferences, and they published reams and reams of reports and analyses to back up their claims, until the whole industry collapsed in 1989. The Sovietologists were exposed as little more than witch doctors that year, since none of them foresaw the collapse. The only saving grace is that the people who replaced the Sovietologists - twerps like Bill Kristol and Paul Wolfowitz - fucked everything up much worse and were proven wrong far more quickly. So all in all, Sovietologists were the lesser of two evils.

Diagnosis: An enigma wrapped in a riddle inside of a box of wet-wipes.


Czechs and Poles as uppity NATO hawks

Characteristics: Egg-shaped old-people shits

Stool sample analysis: At first it was sort of touching, like a commercial for an after-school Big Brother/Big Sister program: After centuries of taking it in both orifices, the Czechs and the Poles finally had an over-the-horizon superpower friend to hold their hand and take them bowling on weekends; to walk them home from Brussels and make sure no bullies stole their bike, destroyed their Jewry, or sat on their heads for 50 years.

But the truth is it was never all that touching, because the Czechs and the Poles just aren't that likeable. They're sour little East Europeans with enormous chips on their little shoulders who couldn't wait to puff out their chests and stick out their tongues while clinging to their new master's skirt.

The Catholic, porn-banning Poles, with their Great Nation delusions and child-like Pope worship, are at least a factor worse than the Czechs, who are mostly content to swill their beer and forget about the world outside their local hospoda. But for 15 years the Czechs and the Poles have been a team, by far the most annoying kids in the New Europe classroom, insufferable teacher's pets shooting up their hands at every question. These transfer students only needed a C+ to get into NATO, but almost a decade after receiving their blue and white diploma, they still bring an apple to school and stay late to wash the chalkboard.

Atom bombs won the last world war, survival knifes will win the next

When the U.S. needed a new home for the terrorist-magnet headquarters of Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty, the Czechs offered up a few acres of prime downtown Prague real estate before you could spell out "Svejk" in Staropramen piss script. When NATO needed a high-dollar moral whore to bless the bombing of Belgrade, Vaclav Havel was suited up and smoothing his mustache in the mirror before the first targets had been picked out. And when Washington needed sites for its missile defense system, was there ever any doubt that Prague and Warsaw would drop to their knees for a helping of missile defense pole? Can you blame Moscow for wanting to point a few megaton-tipped rockets at these people?

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Scary Moscow ‘03 : Night of the Living Dead Kommissars

That 90s Sham(Part 2) : 90 Reasons to Hate the 90s
Volga Ownership
Zen and the Art of Volga Ownership :
War Nerd - Japanese Victory
Russia's Other Great Victory : How the Japs got served with the 3,000-mile long Stalin Roll combo


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

War Nerd Summer Reading Guide
The War Nerd By Gary Brecher
It’s summer, you’ve got a little more time off, so you can read up on war instead of trying to live in whatever boring suburb you live in. Lawns, neighbors, dogs, kids—it all sucks and the best thing you can do is get as far out of it as you can.


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