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Feature Story August 10, 2001
 
COMBED OVER!!!
By Matt Taibbi Browse author
 
Page 4 of 9
 
Heisel worked the pizza, online-supermarket, and porn spam angle, while he and Rudnitsky both also dabbled in Nolle-inspired postings on gay-introduction sites. Since Nolle was kind enough to provide us with his picture, we reasoned, it made sense for us to use it to try to test the gay market for aging, mustachioed bears around the world. Heisel posted ads for Nolle on over a dozen gay sites and discovered an interesting phenomenon; his picture attracted no attention at all on hit-heavy Western sites, but scored a photo-bearing admirer (see picture) and a flowery e-postcard from the one Russian gay introduction site we accessed. Nolle's ad read: "I'm a rich American, in Moscow for professional reasons, looking for a young Russian lover who will fuck me in the ear." Those interested in seeing the ad can check out the site (love.omen.ru/ankets/MKQF2121752.html) and ponder which of the offered adjectives prompted two healthy young Russians to respond to Nolle's ad. My bet is on the word "rich".

Our suspicions about the relative success of Nolle's appearance were confirmed by a poll on the eXile website, which posted Nolle's picture over the question: "Would you have sex with this person under any circumstances?"

63 of the first 100 voters answered, "Not even to save my own child's life"; and additional 28 answered a flat "No"; while 9 humorous fellows answered a cheery "Yes."

Paris Weighs In

In a May 31st, 2001 article in the Economist, Nolle is quoted as having said, "There is no revenue credibility for new services on the Internet and that's the fault of the west coast hippies." Anthony Alles of Tahoe Networks agreed, saying that the graybeards who designed the Internet still insist on running it like a public utility, suggesting they should all "move to France." An eXile operative in Paris gave Nolle a call to complain about the anarchists and hippies infesting France at Nolle's compatriot's suggestion.

CIMI Corp receptionist: Good afternoon, CIMI Corp.

eXile: (in ridiculous French accent) Yes, can I speak to Thomas Nolle please?

CCR: Who's calling please?

eX: Eet ees Rodolphe Cricourian with France Telecom.

CCR: I'm sorry, could you repeat that please?

eX: Rodolphe Cricourian with France Telecom.

CCR: One moment, please.

[pause of about 10 seconds]

Tom Nolle: Tom Nolle speaking.

eXile (now speaking in French): Alors vous avez envoye tous ces hippies qui puent...

TN (interrupting, with concerned tone): I'm sorry... I, uh... don't speak

French.

eX: ... la vache folle chez moi et alors ils foutent le bordel...

TN: (interrupting aqain, with same concerned tone, although perhaps more imploring this time): I'm sorry, sir, I don't speak French.

eX: ... A cause d'Internet et qu'est-ce que je fais maintenant???

TN: (hangs up).

Meanwhile, Heisel uncovered another Nolle quote from the Economist which read, "There is no revenue credibility for new services on the internet -- and that's the fault of the West Coast hippies." His quote was followed by another from a colleague named Anthony Alles of Tahoe networks, who complained that the "graybeards who designed the internet still insist on running it like a public utility", and suggested that those people all "move to France." In response to this we had an eXile operative in Paris call up Nolle and demand, in French, to know where he can find this Alles character who was responsible for all of those goddamn hippies that were now living in his apartment (see box). Nolle hung up the phone, insisting that he did not speak French.


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LATEST ARTICLES

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
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Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...

 
 
 

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