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Folks be askin me, Mark, what's goin on out there in Ken-tucky? Welp, I'll tell ya. It's boiling hot, full of auto transmission stores and fast food outlets, and dull as death. Hicks are dropping dead on the streets from this new thing called "The Heat Index" which finally formalizes what most sane people have known all along: Humidity bad, coastal West good. You've got to wonder about the genes in people who've stayed in heat indexed states for generations and generations. One of these days, I'll describe the external manifestations of these genes to you. Believe me, there's a LOT to describe. What else is going on? Oh yeah, almost forgot: Chandra Levy is still missing. And, uh, don't tell anyone, but I got a funny feeling that she won't be pressing her redial button any time soon. She's missing because Congressman Gary Condit milkcartoned her -- yep, he done milkcartoned her gooood. I know who's getting my vote in 2002! This is a man who knows how to get things done, a man who knows how to legislate! A man who, in 2001, said "Enough!" and fought back against the Tyranny of the Psychobitch. A man who said, "I'm not going to take it anymore!" A man, in short, who made milkcartoning your psycho exgirlfriend a federal law. This is what 2001 will be remembered for, and it's a good thing, a watershed year in men's rights. It started with Robert Blake, who was a trailblazer, so to speak, in fighting back against his American psychobitch. You've gotta love Blake's m.o. -- the plan was so stupid and desperate that it actually worked. He took her to a restaurant on Melrose Ave, checked his piece in at the door (earning him seemingly-harmless Hollywood bad-guy creds), then dragged his psychobitch out to the car where he plugged her with his other gun, raced back to the restaurant all self-effacing for having "forgotten" his registered handgun... and then returned to "discover" that the psychobitch had been plugged in the head by someone else -- Huggy Bear? -- putting an end to years of harassment and misery at the hands, flapping gums and squirting eyes of that most vile of America-specific creatures, The Psychobitch. You go, Bobbie! Think I'm just being naughty, posturing? Folks, I'm a man of the people, echoing mainstream American thought here. If you don't believe me, look at the Gallup/USA Today poll published in Tuesday's USA Today: an overwhelming majority of Americans believe that Congressman Condit is involved in Chandra Levy's "disappearance", and yet this same overwhelming majority believes that he should NOT resign! The American people aren't saying, "Give the man his due, he's innocent until proven guilty..." Nu-uh. They're saying, "Waytago, slugger! If only I had the courage to milkcarton my psychobitch!"
Most American men, and even a lot of women, have had to suffer through psychobitches like Chandra Levy -- and most of us take the long, rough road out of that relationship, a road full of false detours and stranded possessed motorists, instead of doing what Gary and Bobbie did: eliminating the problem directly and for good. Shutting its whiny mouth down and burying the evidence (in Bobbie's case, the gun; in Gary's, the body). Americans, at least on this score, are downright sane. In fact, they're following a venerable tradition begun by the ancient Greeks, who brought us representative democracy and the syllogism. In this case, the American public's syllogism can be represented thus: All Congressmen who milkcarton their psychobitch girlfriends should not resign. Gary Condit is a Congressman who milkcartoned his psychobitch. Therefore, all men admire Gary Condit. We'd like to be him, but in truth, all men are probably more like me. We get rid of our pschobitch girlfriends passively, patiently, painfully. Employing Kinison's Theorem, we know that the only way to get rid of them for good is to go crawling to them in a moment of weakness and need. The psychobitch's obsession over you will evaporate in front of your eyes as you plea for her emotional support. In the same way that a paramecium will react to stimuli in predictable ways under laboratory conditions, the psychobitch will react to your pleas for caring and sensitivity with vicious indifference and disappointment, and after her brief period of kicking you while you're down, her interest in you will finally die, and she'll move on to a new host creature. As Dr. Kinison says, "It works! It's flawless!" Although he was ascribing a little too much character to the female heart when he added, "And the funny thing is, she feels bad because she's leaving you...WHEN YOU NEEDED HER MOST! AH-HAH-HAH!" In fact, she doesn't feel bad. She just does it because that's what her genes instruct her to do.
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