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Feature Story October 18, 2001
By John Dolan Browse author Email

the eXile invites U to Jihad, or Why a 767 Is Like a High-heeled Shoe

The eXile now proudly offers you what no other publication in the English language would dream of offering: an honest discussion of the real weapons available to us.

What is a weapon, anyway? The most honest and practical definition is this: A weapon is what you're willing to use as a weapon. The heel of a woman's shoe is a weapon; a uniball pen is a weapon; a razorblade taped to a toothbrush is a weapon. And a Boeing airliner loaded with jet fuel is a weapon -- God, what a weapon! But nobody noticed that until one fell into the hands of people who were willing to use it.

Just because we're such nice guys, we'll throw in Texas, too

By this standard -- being willing to use the shoe, or 767, or B1 bomber -- America, at the moment, has no weapons at all. America is an impotent nation, with no military force at all.

Y'see, you've been had, folks. You've been had more ways than a Boar House dyev, in fact -- but the biggest wad you ever swallowed was the notion that the American conservatives are patriots, and advocates of military force. No, no, no! They are pacifists, far more pacifistic than the average hippie.

It's weird, how none of you seem to get it yet. You saw it with Reagan, the most cowardly of any president; you're seeing it now with GWB; but you still don't realize that the Republicans shrink from the prospect of real conflict like a white jock trying to weasel out of a fight with a Latino half his size: they simply don't see why they should have to risk their pretty faces in any contest, no matter how much the odds are stacked in their favor. And besides, he might have a knife!

Look at them! Do you see any longing for vengeance in those faces? Look at Rush Limbaugh, their cheerleader: a draft-dodging closet case waving his queeny pom-poms for profit, not war. Look at George W. Bush, a typical sexually confident frat-fucker who'd run a mile to avoid a real fight! Oh, my poor naive war-nerd brothers, how could you ever have dreamed that Bush, or Limbaugh, or that second-rate CEO, that GM Board-of-Directors second-stringer, Donald Rumsfeld, ever shared our dreams?

Just listen to their attempt at war rhetoric! They don't even get the speeches right! Did you hear Bush try to "rally the nation"? Whoa! Step back, Churchill! Roll over, Adolf! Here's a real communicator! If I'd been watching that speech from Taliban HQ, I'd've done a victory shuffle just listening to this trembling frat asshole stumble over his lines, unable even to stammer out the face-saving formulae frat boys use to wimp out of basketball-court fights: "Y-y-y-ou b-better watch it, man! B-b-back off, man!... I mean... shit, y-y-you can't, like, blow up our cities like th-that..." The German nihilists in Big Lebowski did a better version of street threats: "I vock you opp! I vock you opp!"

And don't tell me Bush just blew his lines because he's stupid. Stupid people make superb warmongers! What, Hitler was a genius? No, Bush screwed up his lines because they're completely alien to him and his kind. He can't see it.

Just because the American right-wingers push for inflated Defense budgets, that doesn't mean they connect that spending with real war. They love Defense spending because it allows them to withdraw money from the accounts of non-wealthy nobodies without making a single item which would make life better for those losers. Look at Reagan, a president too cowardly to attack anything scarier than Grenada. Reagan used the defense budget to fund weapons which were NEVER DESIGNED TO WORK.

Please try to realize this. I speak as somone who spent years reading every issue of Aviation Week and Armed Forces Journal, and I learned this against my will: Reagan funded ONLY those weapons which were NEVER DESIGNED TO WORK. His administration fought hardest for weapons which were known to be inoperable, like the B1 bomber and Star Wars.

The B1 Bomber: not a weapon

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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