For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
||December 26, 2001
A Terror Odyssey 2001: THE EXILE LIST OF TERROR SUSPECTS
Suspect: LLEYTON HEWITT
Position: World's #1 Tennis Player
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: Seized control of the ATP tennis rankings despite having a first name that begins
with two L's... The prototypical tennis brat, Hewitt -- whose pinched, wounded teenage face looks ready to argue a call the minute he walks on the court -- pioneered the tears-and-backwards-baseball-cap look of the modern teenage sports star. Furthermore, ending a lengthy tradition of male players occupying the number 1 ranking who date supermodels (the sad case of Andre Agassi excluded), Hewitt openly dated pimply, hydrant-thighed Belgian tennis dyke Kim Clijsters, forcing horrified TV commentators like John McEnroe to glumly note the the presence of Hewitt's lovely girlfriend, Kim Clijsters" as the camera panned across the U. S. as if Open it was crowd... Hewitt additionally managed to escape censure from U. S. Tennis authorities despite a shameless racist outburst at the Open. In a third-round match against unheralded black American James Blake -- who only plays in summer, remaining enrolled at Harvard during the rest of the year -- Hewitt was losing in the second set when he was called for his second foot fault. Hewitt glared at black line judge Marion Johnson, glared at Blake, glared back at Johnson, then exploded, pleading to chair umpire Andreas Egli to recognize that the two negroes were secretly conspiring to beat him. "Look at them, " Hewitt shouted. . "You tell me what the similarities are! "... A week and a half later, Hewitt was grinning sheep- ishly and raising a trophy to tepid applause from the mostly-white crowd at Arthur Ashe stadium, having unseated Pete Sampras in the final. He became #1 in the rankings a few weeks later, and appears set to stay there for a while.
Waaaaaaaahhhhh! Hewitt bitches again
Additional Evidence: Hewitt won the Open on 9/9.
Extenuating Circumstances: Whipped by Muslim Hicham Arazi 6-1, 6-4 in Montreal before the bombings.
Suspect: THE RETURN OF BUSINESS FORMAL
Position: Bent over
Business Casual: Today 's flower children?
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: Business casual, the bane of the late '90s for its false attempt to make the cubicle-peasant masses feel like they were in an anti-elitist, equality-rules environment, quickly disappeared with the dropping NASDAQ and the collapsing World Trade Towers. Today, in the era of Rumsfeld Chic, say goodbye to your Dockers as yuppies are fleeing back to their suits in droves, happily doing their part to uphold olde skewl kaptilizm and the uniform they feel comfortable in. Wanna wear blue?You betcha! How about gray?Gray away! If you're the spunky type, you can wear a tie that shows the real "U ", with a little flair here and a little flair there.
Additional Evidence: The Men's Apparel Alliance planned to spend $20 million in advertising to wage war against business casual and an emerging generation whom they complain had never known what dressing up meant.
Extenuating Circumstance: The return of Business Formal not only reminds everyone that the dot-com bubble has burst and that thousands of yuppies got fried by a handful of ragheads, but it also means that yuppies will be incredibly uncomfortable again, which is a pretty funny thing from our point of view. Ha-ha-ha.
Suspect: GRAYDON CARTER
Position: Benedict Arnold of the Humor World
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: Former Spy Magazine founder became the leading ideologist crusading against comedy of all forms post-9/11 with his now legendary quote that "The age of irony is dead. " While humor scions ranging from John Stewart and David Letterman to Ozzie Osbourne all blubbered their way through the post-attack trauma, Carter took the High Road from his perch at Vanity Fair to declare the entire comedy business-and emotion-gone forever. It was an incredibly stupid thing to say, and probably repre- sented the single biggest short-term victory for Bin Laden and his goon squad of humor-haters.
Additional Evidence: As time passed and the attack on the twin towers seemed funnier and funnier, Carter crawled out of the mawkish woodworks in order to pronounce the only possible pro- nouncement more idiotic, lame and hypocritical than the first, when he declared, "I didn't say that the age of irony is dead. I said the age of 'ironing' is dead.. " Well yuk-yuk-yuk. You'd make Bob Hope proud with biting one-liners like that.
Extenuating Circumstances: Advertising revenues down sharply at Vanity Fair , meaning that Carter may soon be screaming alone in his board room, "My empire is CRUMBLING! ! ! "
Suspect: RUSSIA'S ECONOMIC REBOUND
Position: Story designed to some-how make us feel good about destroying Russia
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: Three years ago, when Russia defaulted on her debt, devalued the ruble and abandoned horrific IMF advice on how to reform its economy, everyone from Michael McFaul and The Washington Post to, yep, the IMF declared that Russia was heading for the abyss. Now that it's economy has grown three years in a row, those same people are declaring that thanks to capitalism and reforms, Russia is now growing, and all those "reforms " of the 1990s are finally paying off! Well whipdee doo! That's a surprise, Jethro! Of course, even this so-called economic rebound is mostly-mythical. Go outside of Moscow, and you'll see nothing but zhopa-blya. Ask Muscovites, and they'll tell you that things for them person- ally are hardly different, salary included, than a year ago. But never mind.
Additional Evidence: Sudden abundance of sushi bars and Starbucks-style cafes in central Moscow has Western correspondents gloating, for the umpteenth time since 1993, that Russia has "is turning the corner. "
Extenuating Circumstance: Reality gap growing so wide again that the eXile could be poised for more credit-enhancing stories about the fake economic rebound in 2002.
Suspect: BEN STILLER
Position: Woody Allen upgrade
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: Screen-wrote and starred in the hideous Zoolander , which "satirized " male vanity via the skewering of farcical lead
character Derek Zoolander, a preening, simpleminded magazine cover model. Then he turned around and in real life, appeared in a giant close-up photo 0on the cover of Details. Where's the "satire "? Derek Zoolander had a ridiculous, poofed-up spiky "model " hair do, whereas the real-life Ben Stiller appeared on Details bravely unashamed of his tousled hair and graying temples. And as if we all didn't know this already from Zoolander itself, the headline on Stiller's Details cover read: "Ben Stiller: I Don't Want to Be Funny Anymore. " Just when the world needed more humor, stiller defected to the glamour world -- but it's not as though we couldn't see it coming. Throughout Stiller's early career, which included promising comic parts in Zero Effect , Mystery Men , and even the hilarious as-himself cameo in Black and White , there was always a sense that he was just doing the "funny thing " ((and dat- ing chunky Jaenae Garafolo)as long as he needed to to get the serious parts and the model-level babes. In this he was just like his hero, Woody Allen, who wrote funny movies just long enough to get the pull he needed to force Hollywood to produce his "serious " scripts, , in which he got to do queasy love scenes with the likes of Charlotte Rampling. Both second incarnations sucked royally, and both of Stiller's incarnations were worse than both of Allen's. At least Woody never did Details.
Don 't worry,Ben,you 're not funny!Really!
Additional Evidence: Suspiciously appeared in a hunky duo with Kevin Bacon in a Dreams of New York promotional commercial series, part of a public relations campaign to restore pride in the Big Apple after 9/11.
Extenuating Circumstances: Meet the Parents could have been worse, though not by much.
Suspect: THE STROKES
Position: Another really annoying fake-underground band that grrls love
The Strokes: Cute Velvs for 90s kids
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: Yet another band from New York that steals every single riff, melody and look from the Velvet Underground, looks pretty but pretends that they're jaded, streety and junky -- even after eight years of Giuliani. However, these guys didn't just borrow, they do cover versions of old Velvet songs, only with safer lyrics and safer, cuter poses. Which makes them the perfect New York/Velvet Underground band of the Giuliani era: safe, fake, affected, shopper-friendly. Nonetheless, they became 2001's musical darlings, precisely because they're "so New York " and "so cute, in a New York way ".
Additional Evidence: The Steak 'n Shake waitress that Ames was boning in Kentucky was in love with the Strokes and thought they were all so cute and had "that New York attitude", sending Ames into post-speed fits of agony.
Extenuating Circumstances: Band members are said to complain all the time that they're not appreciated enough and that the press is too rough on them because their sound is too derivative.
Suspect: JOHN KERRY
Position: Faux good-guy
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: After it came out that fellow Vietnam vet and former Senator Bob Kerrey had been involved in a massacre in a Vietnamese village in 1969, Kerrey -- who in the 1970s built his political career as a veteran campaigning against the war and its legacy, co-wrote an editorial in The Washington Post with Senators Max Cleland and Chuck Hagel in which he said: "[F ]or our country to blame the warrior instead of the war is among the worst, and, regrettably, most frequent mistakes we as a country can make. " In other words, he supported Kerrey (and not only because a Washington television station mistakenly used footage of Kerry when as B-roll when the scandal broke). Later, Kerrey, who has been quietly positioning himself as a "true liberal " alternative to Gore in 2004, unblinkingly voted for the disgusting Patriot Act. An ardent opponent of Political Action Committees, Kerry opened one himself just before Christmas this year, explaining: "I've come to acknowledge the unpleasant and unfortunate truth that campaign finance and other critical reforms will remain stymied in Congress until Democrats obtain real working majorities in Washington and in state legislatures across the nation. It has become necessary for every leader of this party to employ all legal and appropriate means to assist Democratic candidates at all political levels. "
Additional Evidence: Mohammed Atta took off from Kerry's home state.
Extenuating Circumstances: At least he runs faster than Bob Kerrey.
Position: Republican Party corruption quarterback
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: Company that was once number 7 in the Fortune 500, forced all the American cattle into believing that deregulation was as important as Jesus to their health even though utilities were fine and rates were fine before Enron ever touched them, is now bankrupt. Before filing for bankruptcy, Enron screwed thousands of its rank and file employees out of their retirement benefits and salaries through a fraudulent employee stock option scheme while securing hundreds of millions of dollars for its senior management in "bonuses " in the days leading up to its collapse. Enron was also one of the top donors to the Bush campaign, to the tune of $2.5 million dollars that we know of, while on-the-lam CEO Kenneth Lay had a big say in for- mulating Dick Cheney's energy policy, including prodding Cheney into telling blackout-suffering Californians not to bother conserving energy, but rather, to use as much juice as Enron allowed through their rigged spigots, since after all, the whole Enron pyramid was going to come crashing down soon anyway. In the end, Enron's collapse, and its senior management's successful getaway into the shadows of the Bush administration, will cost Americans so many billions of dollars that, like the other Bush president's S&L fiasco, the scale of corruption ceases to be comprehensible. And therefore, Bush Jr. will also get off scott-free.
Additional Evidence: Tomas White Jr., secretary of the Army, was a former Enron executive;Bush economic advisor Larry Lindsay and Trade Representative Robert B. Zoellick were both on Enron's payroll;Karl Rove owned $250,000 in Enron stock, which he wisely sold at a timely moment this past spring while it hovered near its all-time high.
Extenuating Circumstances: Suddenly the Russians don't look so unique when it comes to mixing politics, energy and high-level corruption;lots of loud-mouthed Texans are out of work, and that's always a funny thing.
Suspects: ROCK STARS WHO FLED LIKE BITCHES
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: It was reported after the attacks on Sept. 11 that former bat-head-biter
Ozzy Osbourne snagglepussed to the nearest church and prayed like a little peasant bitch to Jesus for protection. Why not pray to Satan?Heck if we know. Meanwhile, deep 'n dark trailblazer Lou Reed, who once sang happily of "all the dead bodies piled up in mounds " in his favorite New York City, was quoted extensively in the press after the attacks of hiding out with his art-dyke wife Laurie Anderson, planting flowers in his swank Greenwich Village loft, and going so far as to sing peace hymns at an "Imagine: John Lennon Festival " concert.. Lou Reed singing at a John Lennon Imagine concert? Next thing you know, Bin Laden will be singing "Shma Y'Israel " at the next Yom Kippur ceremony in Tel Aviv.
The Coup:Fake Pro-Violence Is Advised
Additional Evidence: Somehow U2 and that fat old mountain goat Bono got in early on the rocksploitation bandwagon. Meanwhile, has a single deep 'n dark apocalyptic indie rocker written anything about how cool it was when those towers collapsed?
Extenuating Circumstances: Fake pro-violence stances by bands like The Coup had their feeble flower-garnished hands shown for what they were: LIARS.
Suspect: BIG-BUDGET PAEANS TO MUHAMMAD ALI
Position: Salve on the White Man's Conscience
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: The monstrous three-hour Ali , released on Christmas, was the latest in a disturbing trend of pricey paeans to the dame-bram- aged ex-champ, who conspicuously had few friends in the White Power Structure when it counted. The latest is a movie directed by Michael Mann, who eXile fans will recall as the man who should never have stopped making movies like the unintentionally-funny classic Heat and went too far already with the ponderous Insider . As was the case with Insider , Ali's kidnapping by Mann was a clear signal that whatever the fighter ever stood for had been firmly and finally co-opted by the Mainstream. The process of gentrifying the champ began with Taylor Hackford and Leon Gast's earnest When We Were Kings , worsened with the revolting book Ali by eXile nemesis David Remnick, and now with the Mann vehicle. Coincidentally, or perhaps not, Ali was recently asked by the United States government (the same government that once effectively took his title away for refusing to fight the Viet Cong)to explain the war in Afghanistan to Muslims around the world. Sadly, Ali com- plied. Meanwhile, the war Ali protested against continues to be called a "noble cause " in the mainstream media ((a fact illustrated dramatically in the Bob Kerrey episode), despite the fact that over 3/4 of the population feels otherwise. The celebrity machine being what it is in the States, the bodies of our heroes are, depressingly, devoured even before their deaths.
Additional Evidence: Angelo Dundee has been telling reporters that "If I'd had Will Smith when he was twenty, I could have made him into a champion. Seriously. "
Extenuating Circumstances: Mann holdover Jon Voight has been panned, sometimes savagely, for his wood- en portrayal of Howard Cosell in the movie.
Suspect: 9-11 APOCALYPSE MYSTICS
Position: To make ignorant hippies and blacklight poster dirtheads sound intelligent
Satan or Smoke Bomb? Just plain dumb!
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: They had an answer for everything -- a very stupid, bongwater-soaked answer that is. If you added up letters and numbers and dates and times, you'd always come up with something that sounded "whoa, trippy, dude ". Then there was the stupid devil-guy who appeared out of the smoke from the World Trade Towers. Folks, we gotta tell ya: if that's how the devil looks, then the devil ain't shit. He looks more like a cross between Count Floyd and a silly mascot on a kids' cereal box than anything our sick imaginations could come up with. Then there's the whole Nostradamus thang. You know, how he supposedly predicted this by mentioning the "twins " and this and that and the other. Has that ass ever predicted the end of the world correctly yet?Stock market analysts have more luck than that grumpy old frog, and no one takes them half as seriously! Additional Evidence: Attendance at churches soared in the aftermath of the Sept. 11 attacks, proving that humans are just as stupid and gullible as their medieval ancestors.
Extenuating Circumstances: Allah hates the Arabs even more than Jesus and Nostradamus hate us.
Suspect: PEARL HARBOR
Position: Fuel for Conspiracy Theorists
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: Just months before an actual attack by alien belligerents befell the United States, Pearl Harbor appeared on screens across America. The film appeared as still more evidence of America's strange pathological fixation with being destroyed or attacked by unrea- sonable, non-English speaking natural phenomena. From Mars Attacks to Independence Day to Deep Impact to Godzilla to Twister to the craze over shark attacks and hurricanes in the
national media, Americans proved themselves fascinated by the very idea of being unrea- sonably attacked -- so that when 9//11 actually took place, much of the country experienced a huge, guilty psychic orgasm. It was characteristic of all of these films that they were badly done, and Pearl Harbor was, without a doubt, one of the worst war movies of all time. Much of the film was one giant visual cliche: the open- ing scene, for God's sake, even featured actual amber waves of grain. The plucky pilot who covers up his poor eyesight in order to get to the front more quickly, the bereaved but sensitive friend of the fallen hero who stumbles into a tender love affair with his buddy's girl, the steely President who won't give in (Pearl Harbor actu- ally features a scene in which a huffing and puffing Franklin Delano Roosevelt rises from his wheelchair to show his resolve)... all of this was served up to audiences with every expectation that they would swallow them whole. Thankfully, they did not -- for the movie. But a few months later, when the real thing happened, Americans bit on the themes of "unity " and "resolve " more enthusiastically than any Hollywood pro- ducer could have expected, in his wildest dreams. It was yet another reason to suspect that the World Trade Center bombing was just a little too convenient, politically, for a Certain Segment of society that had been trying for a decade to avert our eyes from the deepening corporatization and spiritual impoverishment of our lives, and get us worked up instead about asteroids, aliens, japs, sharks, and now... towel-heads.
Islamic World To Bush:"You 're Dithhhpicable!"
Additional Evidence: Orrin Hatch compared the WTC bombings to Pearl Harbor just hours after the attack.
Extenuating Circumstances: Ben Affleck publicly went on the wagon just as the movie was released.
Suspect: WHOEVER JAILED EDWARD LIMONOV
Position: The real Fascist
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: Actually, this is a reverse-thing because Limonov is the only extremist terrorist in the world whom we at the eXile support with all our grace and hearts, real-live already-killed-lots-of-innocent-people terrorists, from Yasser Arafat and Ariel Sharon to KLA commandant Hacim Thacqi and Pakistan President Pervez Musharref frickin heroes despite all the horrible terrorist things they've done to neighboring innocent civilians. Limonov's problem is probably that he never killed thousands of people-for that, he was bound and gagged and hustled to Lefortovo prison last spring, where he awaits trial for illegally acquiring weapons and forming an illegal armed band.
Additional Evidence: This past December 7th, additional charges against Limonov accusing him of trying to overthrow the state mean that he's now facing 30 years in prison, even though the Russian Writer's Union has asked for him to be pardoned due to his importance in Russian letters.
Extenuating Circumstances: The persecution of Limonov ensures that he'll take a place beside Pushkin, Dostoevsky and Solzhenitsyn as the last of the persecuted Russian authors, which will guarantee indigestion to all of Limonov's detractors from now until Kingdom Come.
Suspect: MARKET PATRIOTISM
Position: Infectious Breed of Opportunism
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: In the wake of 9/11, President Bush exhorted Americans to do their patriotic duty by returning to business. It was an overt appeal by the government to join in the fight on terrorism by buying stuff. Despite the abject tastelessness of the tactic, dozens of major corporations quickly followed Bush's lead in launching major ad campaigns on the "Bay Patriotic " theme.. The worst of the worst was General Motors, which launched what it called its "Keep America Rolling" campaign less than a month after the bombing. "On Sept. 11, the world as we knew it came to a halt, " on "Keep America Rolling " ad announced. . "We sat glued to our televisions, watching events unfold that shook us to our very core. And suddenly, the little things that had previously divided us seemed wholly insignificant. " Having forgotten those little things, the ad went on to say, we are all now free to experience the joy of togetherness -- by buying a new truck with GM's special zero-percent financing offer. In the wake of a minor media uproar over the ads, Public Relations Society of America president Kathleen Lewton admitted: "Tastefulness is the number one problem we're grappling with right now. " Apparently, teams of experts are actually studying the issue. We'll see how the results pan out. In the meantime, keep buying.
Additional Evidence: It took less than a week for corporations like Anheuser-Busch to break an unwritten agreement among corporations to use pre-purchased ad space for non-commercial messages of condolence. Company logos reappeared in print ads even in New York within three days, often with self-congratulatory messages describing the company's donations to victims' funds..
Extenuating Circumstance: The New York Sports Club launched a "Keep America Strong Campaign " after the bombings, but in that same week, obesity replaced smoking as the number one cause of heart disease in America.
Suspect: WHOEVER CANCELED THAT'S MY BUSH
Position: Bush PR tool
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: Every year there is, at best, one new television program that makes you reconsider committing suicide. This year, that show was South Park creator-created That's My Bush , a 70's-style sitcom which featured the First Family, Karl Rove, and a vicious, climacteric Barbara Bush, who constantly hisses at daughter-in-law Laura for being a "slut ". The show was pure marijuana humor, but done right, and done mean. So mean, in fact, that Dub'ya himself is rumored to have threatened it with lawsuits. No wonder Comedy Central canceled it, considering that its owner, Viacom, needs the Prez's help as it expands into cable, broadband and other media in these deregulating times.
Additional Evidence: Comedy Central has pulled all reruns of the show, even though the official reason for canceling the highly-talked-about, highly-rated sitcom was that it was "too expensive ".
Extenuating Circumstances: The South Park creators are working on a film version of the sitcom which is guaran- teed to long outlast any of Dub'ya's famous war-inspiring speeches.
Position: Northeast U. S.
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: The Red Sox, the last significant independent institution in the Boston area, have been bought out by a coalition of
out-of-towners that include Tom Henry, the man that strip-mined the Marlins, and The New York Times . Meanwhile, the anti-labor policies of both The Boston Globe (another fabled family-run Boston institution now wholly in the clutches of The New York Times )and Harvard University continue to be credited by the powers that be as progressive. Starting in April, the Globe forced some 200 employees into "voluntary " early retirement ((known as a buy-out) in order to bolster the NY Times Co. 's sag- ging fortunes. While the Globe's profitability had been shrinking, it maintained a higher percentage then the Times , which was not threatened with a staff cut. Now less people do more work, and the Globe got brownie points for not firing anybody! Meanwhile, Harvard won accolades in Op- Ed sections around the country for its decision to raise the wages of it's outsourced labor to a livable wage between $10. 83 and $11. 30 an hour. Less discussed is how the committee got there: they estimated how much the outsourced labor might have asked for, if they had collective bargaining powers. Nobody asked why not just let the employees join unions, and bargain for themselves. Last summer, Boston's Houghton Mifflin Co. , the nation's last independent publisher, was bought up by Vivendi, a Paris-based multinational made up of a water utility and Universal Studios. After the sale, Vivendi CEO Jean-Marie Messier said that the company had "decided to target selectively some key 'edutainment' fields.." It is no coincidence that the Boston-bound AA flight with Reid on it originated in Paris, or that both WTC-destined flights came from the Hub.
Eminem: also works for Vivendi
Additional Evidence: Documented links to John Kerry.
Extenuating Circumstances: The Celts are winning this year.
Position: The Real Heroes
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy:
Just before 9/11, the only place black guys in New York didn't want to be after dark was near a cop. Over the last several years, the NYPD has racked up an impressive record of killing unarmed black men for such crimes as not buying drugs (Patrick Dorismond)and sitting outside after work (Amadou Diallo). Under former Police Chief Howard Safir, during the Guiliani inspired get-tough-on-crime campaign, the pigs averaged a couple of murders a year, somehow without killing a single white boy. If anything, their tactics have gotten more primitive since the days they used to pay dentists to drill suspects until they hit a nerve. Now, they prefer low-tech torture devises, like broom sticks, with which they can rape Haitian immigrants in the ass (Abner Louima). Yet, in the days since 9/11, grown black men have been pho- tographed hugging the pigs without any sort of provocation and Jets coach Herman Edwards proudly wore a NYPD cap while surrounded by 350-pound black guys. Sound suspect? It is -- the NYPD only lost about two-dozen cops for such a public- relations coup. More janitors sacrificed their lives after being ordered not to leave their posts in the towering inferno.
Haitian victim struggles to thank the NYPD
Additional Evidence: The office of the toothless city watchdog Civilian Complaint Review Board (CCRB) on 40 Rector St. was buried under the WTC wreckage.
Extenuating Circumstances: CCRB also stands for Christian Country Radio Broadcasts.
Suspect: ECONOMIC PUNDITS
Position: Predicting Growth
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: Practically before the first tower had collapsed, the pundits were already blaming the prob- lems of the U. S. economy on the terrorist attacks, and predicting an extremely mild recession immediately followed by a rapid return to growth. Even though the econo- my shrank by 1. 6 percent in the quarter before the attacks, the media emphasized the attack's perceived role in the recession. And articles claiming the end is in sight appeared immediately. These articles were all virtually identical: they predicted growth beginning again in early 2002, basing it on the words of experts who didn't offer any explanations of why that might happen. That there was "near universal consensus " about the recovery was repeated with such frequency that it is now accepted as fact. These predictions all warned that the recovery would not be explosive, and therefore average Americans might not even notice that it happened! "Although recovery is now beginning to bloom, it is not likely to be spectacular, " Michael Bust from Economy. com told The Chicago Trib. It might have been any analyst telling any paper that. Having disingenuously blamed the recession on the attacks, they are now setting Americans up for a virtual recovery, in which they are told things are better even though they continue to stagnate.
Additional Evidence: Claims that yuppies are getting harder hit by and suffering more from the recession than any one on record.
Extenuating Circumstances: Said pundits might be on unemployment soon.
Suspect: CHARLOTTE BEERS
Position: United States Undersecretary for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs
Role in the International Terrorist Conspiracy: In early November, in an attempt to help improve America's image around the world during its war on terrorism, President Bush brought in ad executive Charlotte Beers, the former head of J. Walter Thompson and Oglivy and Mather, to serve essentially as America's first Minister of Propaganda. Beers made her name in the advertising business as the first female brand manager for Uncle Ben's Rice, a fact which prompted one of the most embarrassing moments in Senate confirmation hearing history when Colin Powell told senators, "Well, guess what? She got me to buy Uncle Ben's rice and so there is nothing wrong with getting somebody who knows how to sell something. " An Uncle Tom who eats Uncle Ben's... Although no one in America seemed to notice or care -- a fact that in itself speaks volumes about our national self-image -- Beers immediately brought the language of adspeak to national policy, amazingly referring to the United States as "an elegant brand " and the President and Secretary of State as "symbols of the brand. " Later, she boasted that her target of a 30 percent conversion rate among Muslims was "a sales curve that any corpo- ration would envy. " Irked that the marketing possibilities for a superpower seemed to pale in comparison to, say, a sneaker, Beers speculated that she might need to "go beyond the guys in suits " to get a "a celebrity, a great athlete, or a singer " to help advertise the American cause. Sure enough, she ended up hiring Muhammad Ali and Hakeem Olajuwon to the war effort.
Additional Evidence: Beers is "close personal friends " with Martha Stewart
Extenuating Circumstances: Said to be suffering with government salary of just $133,740
|FROM THE VAULT|
Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.
Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.
Clubbing Adventures Through Time
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.
The Fortnight Spin
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.
Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.
War Nerd Summer Reading Guide
It’s summer, you’ve got a little more time off, so you can read up on war instead of trying to live in whatever boring suburb you live in. Lawns, neighbors, dogs, kids—it all sucks and the best thing you can do is get as far out of it as you can.