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Feature Story February 6, 2002
Results of the 1st 5-Year Plan

Report delivered at the Joint Plenary Session of the editorial board and advertising department of OOO "eXile" by I.V. Shangin
-- February 2, 2002

I. The International Significance

The New eXpat Five-Year Plan

So the first expat five-year plan, hatched in the heady early days of the Boris Yeltsin era -- the era of GKOs, creeps from Harvard, and fuckable chicks at the Hungry Duck -- has been completed. Now we are in the age of Vladimir Putin, and it is time for all of us eXpats to set new goals against the backdrop of a new reality.

With that in mind, the eXile has drawn up a comprehensive five-year plan to be followed, jointly, by all of us in Moscow's expatriate community. Given the new challenges we eXpats face, and the pressure on all of us to get a clue quickly, before our lives turn completely to shit, we have declared that this five-year plan will be completed in four years.

Our projections for this five-year plan are based upon surveys from GosEx-patStat which indicate that there are roughly 34,000 of us here in this city.

At the completion of the first five-year plan, that number now includes specialists of the following character and quantity:

  • 17,000 males between the ages of 29-46 with worsening pattern baldness, flabby waists, a sad habit of ordering dial-up prostitutes from The Moscow Times, utterly empty personal lives and worsening financial prospects; many of these men are named "Jack," "Steve," and "Rick";
  • 900 hardcore Christians whom you see on the airplane on the way in and out of the country, but nowhere else;
  • 5,450 overweight Western women of various ages, easily identifiable because they are all at the same party every weekend, whose presence here is no longer justified by the higher salaries of the mid-to-late nineties, and are now staying here, listening to the clock tick, because they just don't have any other better options back home;
  • 1,300 super-annoying young men between the ages of 18-27 with long hair, surprisingly bad body odor, and an air of entitlement that they carry around in the presence of young Russian sluts, who are actually unimpressed with them because they have no money; they are here to start their writing careers but will end up working for a long time for the first multinational that offers them a job;
  • 795 wizened old-timer eXpats -- actually 796 when you include Jack Kelleher -- who have been here since 1992 and have no hope of ever leaving;
  • 3 objectively physically attractive Western women; plus 11 more you wouldn't feel ashamed to sleep with after a few drinks.

It will be these specialists, together with the mobile "shock workers" of the eXpat community -- the Japanese businessmen in blue suits who walk around in groups of four, the followers of hockey, the eight or nine hundreds of gays, the construction workers, diplomats sent here against their will, and others -- who will help the community as a whole attain the goal of completing the second five-year plan in four years. Together we will achieve our many important goals, which in sum will be known as


The Second Expat Five-Year Plan

  1. Maintain an erection.

    The eXile's stated goal is to achieve by the end of four years the ability to maintain an erection 137% longer than the goal set in the first five-year plan, which was expressed as "just long enough to get the condom on." By the end of this five-year plan, we hope to get in at least one convincingly enthusiastic stroke before blowing or going soft and claiming the ultimate goal, sleep;

  2. Mercy-fuck an American girl.

    You're not the type to put an American flag in your SUV window, but sometimes you do feel homesick for the good old U.S. of A. So for old times' sake, for your country, you should do an American girl a favor and by the end of four years invite her over on some Thursday night. It's the kind of thing you'd do as a friend, like taking her out for a milkshake. It will give her an excuse to wear a dress. You'll be surprised by how much you enjoy it, the same way you'd be surprised you still like water skiing. In the next five-year plan, we hope to increase the quantity of American girls mercy fucked to 2 (two).

  3. Avoid Michael Bass.

    In the first plan, eXpats were called upon to limit their unpleasant professional encounters with Michael Bass to one per five years. Our new goal is one per 10 years. He is back in town and we all must work hard to achieve this vital societal goal.

  4. Learn the name of the U.S. Ambassador.

    Not that it matters. The first five-year plan called upon eXpats to merely achieve expertise in the area of recalling the name Jack Matlock for use in conversation in conjunction with the phrase, "They say he was a real prick." In the new plan, eXpats will be asked to learn the name of the current ambassador in the first year and to learn it one additional time in each of the next three years, so that at the end of the five-year plan -- which will be completed in four years -- each eXpat will have learned it 10 times.

  5. Increase production of porno chat room aliases.

    The eXile is seeking to increase the number of porno chat room aliases among eXpats by 795% over the next five years, meaning that each eXpat must increase to roughly 63,385 from the total called for in the previous plan. To achieve this goal, each eXpat will be assigned a category of alias to create for himself and mass-produce them in 20-hour shifts. There will be a shock worker team, for instance, assigned to add the number 8 to each of the entries in the "Mormon Book of Baby Names" (i.e. Jeremiah8), while another team will focus on the held-down-key method ("Plungerrrrr", "Biggggg1"). In the next plan, the eXile hopes to achieve the goal of thirty million aliases for thirty-thousand eXpats.

  6. Develop a serious drinking problem.

    Not simply a quantitative increase in alcohol consumption is called for here, but rather a qualitative change in the way we drink. If in the previous plan we were asked to simply drink excessively so as to keep pace with the raucous club scene, our drinking in this next five-year period must change to reflect our growing cynicism, stalled salary levels, and diminished life expectations. Our drinking must become problematic, done in the morning before work as we tumble out of bed in our increasingly disheveled apartments, and massively, rapidly and joylessly at night, so as to be able to fall asleep. We should be drunk on the job as a matter of routine, heretofore considered an unusual thing among Westerners in Western offices, and become an object of general alarm around the office. But not just one of us, all of us. To this end we are calling for the formation of six thousand drinking plenary committees which will set strict deadlines for the target demises of its members, intervening at home to interrupt periods of sobriety when detected using intelligence gleaned from volunteer surveillance patrols and traditional oral investigations. All hail the plenary committees!

  7. Learn to become openly racist with regard to Russians.

    We must learn to call them mud people to their faces and to seek to spend a larger share of our static incomes on the hiring of them into domestic service. It is the stated goal of this five-year plan to set a norm of five Russian "domestics" per household, or four if they are provided with humiliating uniforms and called only by the diminutive versions of their first names. eXpats should strive to socialize exclusively with other eXpats, no matter how unpleasant this might be, and to pass the time by means of such pursuits as Monopoly parties and group sex.

  8. Lie more to the people back home.

    In the next five year plan, we should seek to exaggerate the size of our salaries in our increasingly infrequent phone calls home to a degree some 145% greater than the exaggeration called for in the previous plan. In the next five years, eXpats must increase their claimed sexual conquests by three-fifths. Conversely, they must call home a full 80% less frequently than even the reduced number called for in the previous plan, and should actually appear at home a full ten times less frequently, reducing the opportunities for our friends and family to see what we actually look like.

  9. Forget about going back to school.

    In each of the next five consecutive years, eXpats should speak ten times less frequently than the previous year of a desire to return home to go to school, so that by the end of the plan, the subject is revisited 100,000 times less frequently. With this skill mastered we will be able to drink more and learn to really appreciate our static salaries.

  10. Avoid having children.

    At least one time per year in the first four years of the plan, each eXpat should firmly decide along with his or her spouse to have a child. After each such decision, each couple is to quietly let the idea fall by the wayside, bolstering their decision with periods of extreme coldness and emotional distance and joyless extramarital episodes.

At the end of this five-year period, we will have secured several important achievements:

  • Before, we did not have a drinking problem. Now we will have one.
  • Before, we did not have children. We still will not.
  • Before, we never followed through on plans to go back and improve our minds by returning to school. Now, those plans will be a thing of the past.
  • Before, we were only closet racists. Now we will know the pleasures of being real ones.
  • Before, we just couldn't seem to avoid Michael Bass. Now, if we're really lucky, we'll never be home when he calls, and we will learn to see him coming from far down the street.

These are the chief things.

They are tremendous achievements, comrades, achievements of which not a single eXpat community, even the most "immoral" can dream.

Complete the five-year plan in four years!

Hey eXholes, when the five-year plan was published, people hardly anticipated that it could be of tremendous international significance. On the contrary, many thought that the five-year plan was a private affair of the eXile. History has shown, however, that the international significance of the five-year plan is immeasurable. History has shown that the five-year plan is not the private affair of the eXile, but rather the concern of the entire international community of eXholes.

Long before the eXile and its five-year plan appeared on the scene, in the period when we were all finishing our individual struggles against overweening Jewish mothers, tyrannical Indian employers, soon-to-be ex-wives and girlfriends, restrictive social environments, shortsighted national drug enforcement policies, etc., and were going over to the work of guerilla journalism -- even in that period Mark Ames would insist that our guerilla journalism was of profound international significance; that every step forward taken by the eXile along the path of guerilla journalism was finding a powerful response among the most varied societal strata and dividing people into two camps -- the camp of the supporters of the eXile juggernaut and the camp of its opponents.

Ames said at that time: "At present we are exerting our primary influence on the international scene via our futile, stupid gestures. All eyes are turned to the pages of the eXile, the eyes of all readers in all countries of the world without exception and without exaggeration. This we have achieved, and that is why questions of guerilla journalism assume absolutely exceptional significance for us. On this front we must win victory by slow, gradual -- it cannot be fast -- but steady progress upward and forward."

Many years have elapsed since then, and every step taken by the eXile in the sphere of guerilla journalism, every year, every quarter, has brilliantly confirmed Comrade Ames's words.

But the most brilliant confirmation of the correctness of Ames's words has been provided by our five-year plan of development and dissipation, by the emergence of this plan and its successful implementation. Indeed, it seems that no futile, stupid gesture perpetrated by our newspaper has met with such a response among the most varied strata in the beige-ist countries of Europe, America, and Asia as the question of the five-year plan, its development and implementation.

At first the beige-ists and their subservient press greeted the eXile and its five-year plan with ridicule. "Fantasy," "delirium," "utopia" -- that is how they dubbed our five-year plan at that time.

Later on, when it started to become clear that the eXile and its five-year plan was producing real results, they began to sound the alarm, asserting that the eXile was threatening the very existence of the beige-ocracies, that the five-year plan's fulfillment would lead to the flooding of Western markets with inexpensive, high-quality narcotics, to increased dissatisfaction of Western males with their overweight female companions. Still later, when this trick used against the eXile also failed to produce the desired results, a series of voyages to the eXile was undertaken by representatives of all sorts of firms, organs of the press, etc., for the purpose of seeing with their own eyes what was actually going on at the eXile. I am not referring here to the fan delegations, which, from the very first appearance of the eXile's five-year plan, have expressed their admiration for the undertakings and successes of the eXile and shown their readiness to support the editorial policy of the eXile.

From that time a schism began to form in so-called public opinion, in the beige-ist press. Some maintained that the five-year plan had utterly failed and that the eXile was on the verge of collapse. Others, on the contrary, declared that although the eXile senior editorial staff members were bad people, their five-year plan was nevertheless going well and in all probability they would achieve their objective.

It will not be inappropriate, perhaps, to quote the opinions of various beige-ist press organs.

Take, for example, the British-published TimeOut Guide to Moscow. At the beginning of 1999, this guidebook wrote:

"The eXile is a phenomenon that couldn't really happen anywhere else in the world: an American college fraternity paper intended for a wider readership. Misogynist, defensive, puerile, and often distasteful, the eXile is read by almost every English-speaking resident of Moscow and is, arguably, the most exciting and definitely the most entertaining expat publication around."

And here is the opinion of a Scottish beige-ist newspaper, The Scotsman, expressed in early September 2001:

"Moscow's most scurrilous newspaper, the English-language Exile, put together twice a month by three brash young Americans, attempted to scandalise Moscow. Its mix of hard-hitting reportage, pornography, and bad taste was a cross between Loaded and Private Eye. In its four-year reign it outdid its Russian counterparts in terms of both libelous accusation and sheer bad taste. Some wondered if the eXile went too far, but not the editors, who were committed to 'Shock Journalism.' Few countries would allow the eXile to thrive, unchecked by libel laws, press councils or even, despite its criticism, government censorship."

The bland trade publication Publishers Weekly had this to say about the eXile book in February 2000:

"Like much of the paper itself, the book, which recounts the newspaper's history, is tasteless."

Such are the opinions of one section of the beige-ist press. I think it is hardly worthwhile to criticize those who gave utterance to these opinions. Indeed, it is not worthwhile because these "die-hards" belong to the species of medieval fossils to whom facts mean nothing, and who will persist in their opinion no matter how the eXile five-year plan is implemented.

Let us turn then to the opinions of other press organs belonging to the same beige-ist camp.

For instance, the quintessentially beige-ist English-language daily Moscow Times' own web-site had this to say about the eXile and its five-year plan:

"The biweekly eXile is Moscow's entertaining, though windy and self-important, alternative rag. It is often highly critical of how Russia is covered by the mainstream media, including The Moscow Times.", a travel guide for aging British hippies that bills itself as "the ultimate resource for the independent traveller" had this to say:

"Please note, The Exile may be offensive to some -- but they do have a good bar & restaurant guide!"

The Oregon-based alternative weekly Willamette Week, meanwhile, noted as follows:

"The eXile makes stateside alt-rags (this one included) look like overblown Xmas issues of the Beaverton Valley Times by comparison. This is a good thing. If nothing else, the eXile's tonic bravery (as well as its puerile excesses) remind you how dull American journalism has become. Read a little deeper, though, and you discover a fevered manifesto, a love letter to chaos and anarchy."

Such are the discordant voices and the schism within the beige-ist camp, of whom some stand for the annihilation of the eXile with its allegedly bankrupt five-year plan, while others, apparently, stand for guarded cooperation with the eXile, obviously calculating that they can obtain some advantage for themselves out of the success of the paper's five-year plan.

The question of the attitude of working-class readers in beige-ist societies toward the five-year plan, toward the successes of guerilla journalism as practiced by the eXile, is in a category by itself. It may be sufficient to quote here the opinion of just one of the numerous fan letters that come to the eXile every day, for example, this one from a delegation of Belgian child molesters. The opinion of this child molester delegation is typical of that of all letters received by the eXile without exception, be they British or French, German or American, or fans from other countries. Here it is:

"We are struck with admiration at the tremendous amount of quality work that we have witnessed in the eXile, both the print edition and the internet version. In Moscow, as well as in Khimki, Zelenograd, and Pavlovsky Posad, we were able to meet numerous psychologically willing young boys, thanks in no small part to the eXile. All the eXile's production machines are the most up-to-date models. The offices are clean, well ventilated, and well lit. All that we have seen has given us a clear idea of the tremendous strength of the working people who are building a new society under the leadership of the eXile. We know from personal experience the frightful difficulties the people of the eXile must have encountered in the past. We can therefore appreciate all the more the pride with which they point to their victories. We are convinced that they will overcome all obstacles."

There you have the international significance of the five-year plan. It was enough for us to show the first successes of the five-year plan for the whole world to be split into two camps -- the camp of those who never tire of snarling at us, and the camp of those who are amazed at the successes of the eXile. But apart from that, we have all over the world our own camp, which is growing stronger -- the camp of our readers in the beige-ist countries, who rejoice at the successes of the eXile and are prepared to support it, to the alarm of the beige-ists of the whole world.

What does this mean? It means that there can be no doubt about the international significance of the five-year plan, about the international significance of the eXile's successes and achievements. The success of the five-year plan is mobilizing the revolutionary forces of readers of all countries against beige-ism -- this is the indisputable fact.

All the more attention, therefore, must we devote to the question of the fundamental tasks of the five-year plan. All the more carefully, therefore, must we analyze the results of the implementation of the five-year plan.

II. The Fundamental Tasks of the Five-Year Plan and Its Implementation

We now pass to the question of the essence of the five-year plan. What were the fundamental tasks of the eXile five-year plan?

The fundamental task of the five-year plan was to provide semi-gainful employment to a small collective of hairy, sweaty American eXpats with poor social skills and personal hygiene.

The fundamental task of the five-year plan was to nourish a consequence-free environment in which to engage in sex with copious partners and experiment freely with any number of dangerous drugs.

The fundamental task of the five-year plan was, in nourishing such a consequence-free environment, to completely oust the beige-ist elements, to widen the front of guerilla forms of journalism, and to create an economic basis for the spending of disposable income on prostitutes whenever necessary and advisable.

The fundamental task of the five-year plan was to transfer energies previously squandered on small and scattered targets to vicious attacks on ever larger and more-deserving victims, so as to eliminate the possibility of people like Michael McFaul getting off scot-free when they perpetrate their heinous shit on the world at large.

Finally, the fundamental task of the five-year plan was to create all the necessary technical and economic prerequisites for increasing to the utmost the reach and offensive capacity of the eXile, enabling it to organize focused attacks on beige-ist enemies, whether they be at home or abroad.

But the implementation of such a gigantic plan cannot be started haphazardly. In order to carry out such a plan it is necessary first of all to find its main link; for only after finding and grasping this main link could a pull be exerted on all the other links of the plan.

What was the main link in the five-year plan?

The main link in the five-year plan was prostitution, with the street-whore "slave markets" as its core. For only prostitution can simultaneously provide constant sources of both sex and drugs, particularly during those difficult times when willing sluts and our usual drug suppliers just do not seem to be available. It was necessary to begin the implementation of the five-year plan with prostitution. Consequently, a wide-ranging exploration of Moscow's street-whore "slave markets" had to be made the basis of the implementation of the five-year plan.

We have Mark Ames's directives on this subject also: "The successful flourishing of the eXile lies not only in routinely visiting the happening nightspots and successfully picking up sluts from such locations -- that is not enough; we also need prostitution. Unless we devote sufficient time and monetary resources to supporting the skin trade, we shall not really be doing our jobs, and without it we shall be doomed altogether as an independent newspaper. Prostitution needs state subsidies. If we do not lobby for them, then we are doomed as a voice of the people."

To establish a newspaper of the strictest economy and to accumulate the resources necessary for financing the practices of our editorial staff -- such was the path that had to be taken in order to succeed in supporting prostitution and in carrying out the five-year plan.

A bold task? A difficult path? More than that. The eXile's confidence in the feasibility of the five-year plan and its faith in the readership were so strong that the eXile found it possible to undertake the fulfillment of this difficult task not in five years, as was provided for in the five-year plan, but in four years, or, strictly speaking, in four years and three months, if the special quarter be added. That is what gave rise to the famous slogan, "The Five-Year Plan in Four Years."

And what happened? Subsequent events have shown that the eXile was right. Without this boldness and confidence in the readership, the eXile could not have achieved the victory of which we are now so justly proud.

III. The Results of the Five-Year Plan in Four Years in the Sphere of Prostitution

Let us pass now to the results of the implementation of the eXile five-year plan.

What are the results of the five-year plan in four years in the sphere of prostitution? Have we achieved victories in this sphere?

Yes, we have. And not only that, but we have accomplished more than we ourselves expected, more than the ardent minds in our midst could have expected. That cannot be denied now even by our enemies, and certainly our friends would not deny it.

We had never had anal sex with a prostitute in the cozy confines of our own homes. Now we have.

We had never banged a Ukrainian prostitute in Estonia. Now we have.

We had never been so lucky as to get a "freebie" from a Korean whore. Now we have.

We had never had sex with three whores at the same time. Now we have.

We had never called up an ad boasting of "Exotic Ladies" and requested one black girl and one Asian girl. Now we have.

We had never contracted gonorrhea from a Mongolian prostitute at a five-star hotel in Beijing. Now we have.

We had never received a "hamster" blow-job from a whore in St. Petersburg. Now we have.

We had never wendeled a girl from Night Flight. Now we have.

We had never passed out after calling a dial-a-whore, to wake up the next morning with a string of angry messages from the madame on the answering machine. Now we have.

We had never passed out while the prostitute was still in the apartment, waking up to find that she had made off with the supplies of shampoo, soap, and deodorant. Now we have.

In terms of total whore experiences, we were still in the single digits. We're now well into the thousands.

And we have not only enjoy these new great prostitute experiences, but have enjoyed them on a scale and in dimensions that eclipse the scale and dimensions of our wildest imagination.

And as a result of all this we have succeeded by the end of the fourth year of the five-year plan period in fulfilling the total prostitution program, which was drawn up for five years, to the extent of 93.7 percent, thereby raising the volume of whore contact to more than 20 times the pre-eXile levels.

It is true that we are 6 percent short of fulfilling the total program of the five-year plan. But that is due to the fact that excessive drug use and premature aging have resulted in an unexpectedly high incidence of impotence. And the necessity of going through certain periods of forced abstinence owing to venereal diseases and sore genital areas resulting from over-activity could not but affect the fulfillment of the total program for 2001, as fixed in the five-year plan. It is beyond any doubt that, but for this incidental circumstance, we would almost certainly not only have fulfilled, but even over-fulfilled the total prostitution figures as outlined in the five-year plan.

Such, in general terms, are the results of the five-year plan in four years in the sphere of prostitution.

Now, after all this, judge for yourselves what worth there is in the talk in the beige-ist press about the "failure" of the eXile and its five-year plan in the sphere of prostitution.

And what is the position in regard to growth of prostitution in the beige-ist societies, which are now passing through a severe crisis? Here are the generally known official figures.

Whereas by the end of 2001 prostitution usage by the eXile rose to greater than 350 percent of the pre-plan level, prostitution usage in the United States dropped during this same period to 64 percent of the prior level, in Britain to 55 percent, and in Germany to 62 percent. In France (which enjoyed the trickle-down benefits of a special French-language issue of the eXile), there was a modest increase of roughly 25 percent.

What do these figures show if not that the beige-ist system of sexual pleasure has failed to stand the test in competition with the eXile system, that the eXile system of widespread prostitution has all the advantages over the beige-ist system.

We are told: This is all very well; many new sluts and prostitutes have been fucked, and many eXpats have gotten laid; but it would have been far better to have renounced promiscuity, the policy of expanding the range of sexual conquests, or at least to have relegated it to the background, so as to devote more time to a serious relationship and the eventual production of genetically similar offspring.

It is true that the output of children as a result of the eXile five-year plan was significantly less than the amount required for the continued survival of the species, but we must come to realize that this is not necessarily a bad thing. Of course, out of the 1,500 million rubles in foreign currency that we spent during this period on prostitution, we could have set aside half for the raising of children. But then we would just have to deal with a bunch of ungrateful little spoiled brats who listen to really shitty music and enjoy Disney animated features. And who needs that? Not us.

And it is precisely because of the rejection of this anti-revolutionary line that the eXile has achieved a decisive victory in the fulfillment of the five-year plan in the sphere of prostitution.

That is how matters stand with regard to the results of the five-year plan in four years in the sphere of prostitution.

IV. The Results of the Five-Year Plan in Four Years in the Sphere of Dangerous Drugs

Let us now pass to the question of the results of the five-year plan in four years in the sphere of dangerous drugs.

The five-year plan in the sphere of dangerous drugs was a five-year plan of massive and widespread usage of a variety of hazardous substances in dangerous amounts. What did the eXile proceed from in implementing this plan?

The eXile proceeded from the fact that in order to publish the newspaper regularly, as well as to block out all those doubts and suicidal thoughts that would inevitably creep in, it was necessary, in addition to frequent intercourse with prostitutes, to pass from sporadic usage of so-called "safe" or "natural" drugs like marijuana and psychedelics in small amounts to the use of various hard drugs -- opiates, uppers, and prescription sleeping pills -- in potentially fatal amounts.

Mark Ames said: "Pot makes one excessively paranoid. Speed is our god. Only with the help of heroin can we keep from blowing our heads off with shotguns during the dark times."

It was from these propositions of Ames's that the eXile proceeded in carrying out the program of the five-year plan in the sphere of dangerous drugs.

In this connection, the task of the five-year plan in the sphere of dangerous drugs was to ensure a constant, reliable supply of the staple substances (taking into account the inevitable rapid increase in tolerance resulting from the massive intake levels), while freely exploring potentially useful new substances as they appeared on the scene.

What has the eXile achieved in carrying out the program of the five-year plan in four years in the sphere of dangerous drugs? Has it fulfilled this program, or has it failed?

The Party has succeeded in the course of some four years in procuring and ingesting more than 200 grams of speed, 50 grams of heroin, and 200 5-packs of Imovane (the brand name of the prescription sleep aid Zopiclone).

The eXile has succeeded in getting more than 60 percent of its workers addicted to at least one of the above substances for an extended period of time, with nearly 50 percent of workers having developed an addiction to two or more. This means that we have fulfilled the five-year plan three times over.

The eXile has succeeded in transforming its staff from a relatively healthy bunch of lovable losers into a group with borderline personalities and various creeping health issues, a group who would probably find a way of becoming addicted to Flintstones chewable vitamins if given half a chance.

Such in general are the results of the five-year plan in four years in the sphere of dangerous drugs.

Now, after all this, judge for yourselves what worth there is in the talk in the beige-ist press about the "decline" in the quality of the eXile, about the "failure" of the five-year plan in the sphere of dangerous drugs.

And what is the situation with drug usage in the beige-ist societies, which are now enduring a severe drug crisis?

It is of course widely known that the youth of America continue to view marijuana as a "cool" and supposedly harmless drug, while ecstasy has also made some inroads in mainstream culture. Most recently, Government-funded ads during the Super Bowl equated taking drugs with giving money to a terrorist in order to buy bombs.

Do not all these facts testify to the superiority of the eXile system of drug usage over the beige-ist system?

In fulfilling the five-year plan for dangerous drugs, the eXile emphasized rampant usage at an accelerated rate. Was the eXile right in pursuing such an accelerated policy? Yes, it was absolutely right, even though certain excesses were committed in the process. In pursuing the policy of becoming addicted to heroin and sleeping pills, the eXile could not stop halfway. It had to carry this work to completion. That is the first point.

Second, having massive quantities of dangerous drugs at its disposal, the eXile had every opportunity of accelerating the widespread addiction to a variety of substances. And, indeed, it has achieved tremendous successes in this sphere; for it has fulfilled the program of the five-year plan for drug usage three times over.

Does that mean that we must pursue an accelerated policy of drug usage in the period of the Second Five-Year Plan as well? No, it does not mean that. The point is that, on the whole, we have already taken the whole drug thing as far as possible without actually dying. Hence, we have nothing left to accomplish in this sphere except to further master and perfect those techniques which have been learned under the first five-year plan. That is now the chief thing.

That is how matters stand with regard to the five-year plan in four years in the sphere of dangerous drugs.

V. The Results of the Five-Year Plan in Four Years in the Sphere of the Struggle against the Remnants of the Hostile Classes

As a result of the fulfillment of the five-year plan in regard to prostitution and dangerous drugs, we have established the principles of eXholism in all spheres of eXpat life and have expelled the beige-ist elements from them.

What should this have led to in relation to the beige-ist elements; and what has it actually led to?

It has led to this: the last remnants of the moribund classes -- the linguistically challenged foreign correspondents, the mustachioed internet consultants, the "God" people, the untenured Stanford professors who moonlight as talking heads for shady Government think tanks, all sorts of beige-ist intellectuals of a chauvinist type, and all other anti-eXile elements -- have been thrown out of their groove.

Thrown out of their groove, and scattered over the whole face of the earth, these "have beens" have wormed their way back into our universities, into our government offices and trading organizations, into our failing dot-coms, and, principally, into the priesthood. They have crept into these places and taken cover there, donning the mask of invisibility.

What did they carry with them into these places? Of course, they carried with them a feeling of hatred towards the eXile. These gentlemen are no longer able to launch a frontal attack against the eXile. They and their classes made such attacks several times, but they were routed and dispersed. Hence, the only thing left them is mischief. And they are doing as much mischief as they can, acting on the sly. They come out in support of the new Bush administration. They talk about how Putin getting "2 out of 3 right" isn't bad. They let their mustaches grow back when no one is watching.

Many of our eXhole comrades look complacently upon such phenomena and fail to understand the meaning and significance of this mischief. They remain blind to these facts and take the view that "there is nothing particular in it." But these comrades are profoundly mistaken. The basis of our system is the liquidation of beige-ism, and as long as any remnant of beige-ism remains, our work is not yet complete.

VI. General Conclusions

Such are the main results of the implementation of the five-year plan as regards prostitution and dangerous drugs, as regards developing the class struggle against the remnants and survivals of the beige-ist classes. Such are the successes and gains of the eXile during the past five years.

It would be a mistake to think that since these successes have been attained everything is as it should be. Of course, not everything with us is yet as it should be. There are plenty of shortcomings and mistakes in our work. Inefficiency and confusion are still to be met with in our work. Unfortunately, I cannot now stop to deal with shortcomings and mistakes, as the limits of the report I was instructed to make do not give me sufficient scope for this. But that is not the point just now. The point is that, notwithstanding shortcomings and mistakes, the existence of which none of us denies, we have achieved such important successes as to evoke admiration among readers all over the world, we have achieved a victory that is truly of worldwide historic significance.

(Stormy and prolonged applause, increasing to an ovation. All rise to greet Comrade Shangin.)

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