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Feature Story February 20, 2002
 
The eXile's History of the World
 
 
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Who are we? Where did we come from? Much like ordinary people, eXile readers are often troubled by these and other far-reaching questions about the riddle of human existence. But all too often, we lack the tools to answer these questions for ourselves. Specifically, we lack a thorough understanding of our heritage, the elaborate genealogy of our one common family, the family of man. In other words, we don't know our history. What's the point of worrying about military bases in Central Asia, or the release of Wimm-Bill-Dann shares on the NYSE, if we don't even know how man learned to make fire? Why get upset about the writings of Anders Aslund -- even if he is a closet transvestite -- if we can't even name the Four Basic Civilizations?

Seems like a pointless exercise to us. In fact, we felt wrong writing about anything at all in this issue of the eXile before we'd covered the basics. Therefore, for ourselves as much as for U, the reader, we decided to lay out the foundation for all knowledge in this space -- an in-depth history of the world. Here it is, from beginning to end:

Pre-History

The Earth around the time the first human species appeared basically sucked. There were all these geysers and steam-vents hissing all over the place, and there was this weird buzzing and chirping noise that went on at all hours of the night and day. A lot of the scenery looked different because the weather was different than it is today, so different plants and trees flourished. If you were to see some of those plants and trees today, they'd look strange and unfamiliar to you, with freakishly big leaves, like something out of a dinosaur movie.

Nothing ever happened in pre-history. Every now and then you'd hear an animal screech in pain as some other animal ripped its neck out, but that was about it. Not just thousands, but tens of thousands of years would pass like this, without a damn thing happening. Before the appearance of homo sapiens, there were several species of hominids that walked the earth at various times, sometimes even co-existing in the same habitats, but these creatures were basically really stupid and would have been boring as hell to watch. Modern apes like gorillas and chimps seem interesting to us today only because we're bored with our own company and need a little variety; but if you had to hang around them all day long for all eternity, you'd wind up wanting to push them all off a cliff before long.

The species we now call modern man first appeared on earth somewhere around 150,000 years ago. The oldest known homo sapiens remains date back to about 130,000 BC. It took homo sapiens about 70,000 years to invent clothes. Around 30,000 BC he managed to draw a few stick figures on rocks. He drew pictures of himself hunting, which meant that when he had a free moment to think and reflect, he spent it thinking about the same dumb thing he spent the rest of his time doing. This went on for about 20,000 years. Mercifully, agriculture was invented sometime around 8,000 BC. The first civilizations appeared a few thousand years later, and we were finally in business.

Early Civilizations

There were a lot of civilizations that developed prior to the rise of the Egyptians and the Greeks, but there were none you would have heard of except maybe the Minoans and the Sumerians. The Minoans were these people on the island of Crete who spent all their time making pottery. They died out as a race because they were so bent on making bowls and urns that they forgot to reproduce. They had curly hair and little goat-legs and dressed in flimsy white wraps. There are drawings which survived on pieces of Cretan pottery that depict Minoans sitting around playing the lute. Have you ever thought about what it must be like to actually listen to a lute as entertainment? These people actually listened to a lute for fun.

Nazi's Prisoners

The Nazis committed many atrocities


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LATEST ARTICLES

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
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Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
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Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
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The Fortnight Spin
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Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
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Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
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Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...

 
 
 

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