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[SIC!] February 20, 2002
 
E-Mail Your Letters to [SIC]:
 
 

editor@exile.ru

AL-DEATH THREAT!

As-salaamu 'Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi,

Gentlemen,

For many a year you put slander on the Light of Faith of Islam. It is not one time, or two, but times out of count, so it is seen you are full of insane jealous hate. You write we are stupid, brutes, zombie, towel heads, raggedheads, who are homosexual, silly Muslims, desert stabbers, dust monkeys, camel jockeys, primitives, tumor, vermin, and I don't even know what more. We studied your workings, and all this you wrote. Shame, so much shame, and envy of us.

Your filth does not only make men dirty. You even dare to proclaim Allah is dangerous and crazy! And, that America will kill Him. You speak like a fool. God is not mocked, it is written that mockers are born to be flayed alive and torn into quarters. So it is written, and so it shall be. And do you know why the Believers hate America? This is why. You are why. Your every breath is insult for us. Such you think, even when you speak lying words. We know. And we forget nothing. And you, Mark Amas. Open your ears. You say you are Moroccan? Three times shame on you, there for, for you are a shame and scandalous for all fellow Arabs. We know only shame and scorn for you. You are a coward and a carrion-feeder and an outcast dog who goes in dark alleys, because you are half jackal and half ape, son of many fathers. Taibbi, I would maybe say, "you will go to hell!", but, you were born there.

Haj Omar ibn Abdul-Aziz

United Arab Emirates

Dear Mr. ibn-Many-Names,

Congratulations! Pack your mosquito repellent and diarrhea pills, 'cuz you've just won an all-expenses-paid vacation to the Caribbean! That's right! It's all courtesy of the United States intelligence services, who will put you up for an indefinite period of time at the lovely Guantanamo Bay Resort! No need to bring your beard clipper or your Speedo -- heck, no need to pack anything! They've got lots of body clippers and a nice bright orange bathrobe type thingie for you and it's all you'll ever wear! See, we've forwarded this death-threatening letter to our friends in the law enforcement services in three relevant countries. Why? Cuz this war against terrorism thing will not come to a successful conclusion unless we all pitch in. And that includes you, Hajster Omarster ibnster Abdul-Azizster! You half-nut, half-party-animal you! Gosh, and who ever said that Islam ain't a religion of peace, or that its followers don't have a sense of humor, should be flayed alive and quartered by an outcast dog in dark alleys!

THE UN-FUNNY-YON

Exile,

I just read my first issue of your paper in Moscow in December ("Sovki" issue) and thought it was great. So I told my brother to go check your web site out and read that issue. I thought he was going to tell me, "Damn, The Exile rules! I laughed my fucking ass off." Instead, I get the following message: "Lukewarm. The Onion kicks its ass." So what's up? At least one man's opinion is that The Onion kicks your ass. I was really kind of surprised by this.

Critical But Caring,

Bryan Roberts

Dear Mr. Roberts,

Here's the problem: your brother is half-ape, half-jackal who goes into dark bowling alleys with Haj Omar ibn Abdul-Aziz. Shame on him! It is written in the eXile that he who prefers The Onion shall be doomed to an everlasting life in a cubicle making self-deprecating quips to his fellow cubicle colleagues, and as it is written, so it shall be done. Don't believe us? Just ask El Hajerino himself! He'll tell ya! Just as soon as they take that orange ball out of his mouth and lift the top of his halogen-flooded cage to throw him a peanut butter 'n jelly sandwich, he'll tell ya!

MCFAUL-ING DOWN

Maybe McFaul is not so bad, but just patriotic dog who loves whoever is #1 man. It's not the first time I've seen a man get erection watching Donald Rumsfeld. He speaks to something deep long denied in men. That's not the worst, can't we "english" stick together. There's no way we'll survive the crusade just pushing blind lady justice if we can't match the east block solidarnost, impudent support & jingoism. Write about bad russians, FSB blowing up apartments & the jewish lady trapped by chechens.


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