I will expect an immediate response from you with a statement of your willingness to comply with all demands. If not, the Swiss Confederation Embassy will be instructed to contact the Russian Authorities about you.
Alternative Women's Rights Institute, Switzerland
Ms Verena Joscht-Federli, Presidentin
Dear Mrs. Joscht-Federli,
Haj Omar ibn Abdul Aziz replies, "Shame on you, Verena Josht-Federli, for not sending a jpeg of your snapper! You are a coward and you munch the boxes of dead jackals in dark public restrooms!"
ETHNIC CLEANSER Dear Editors,
Any chance of you guys exposing the mockery of Milosevic's trial in the face of ongoing and past US "heroism" (I'm talking about the "noble" Kerrey admitting to killing 20 odd civilians even as Milosevic stands to get life in prison for being at the top of the chain of command for similar crimes)?
Your old articles on this topic were always so damn good...
Dear Mr. Pleshkevych,
Nope, no chance of us eXposing the mockery of his trial. We'd be more interested if the Dutch used mop handles on Milosevic's sphincter, but unfortunately, the Dutch don't do that kind of thing anymore. Ever since Rutger Hauer starred in "Blind Justice", they gave up on it. However, we are happy to report that a fresh shipment of mop handles has just been received at the lovely Guantanamo Bay Resort, and the hard-working Marines are applying them even as we speak. The Hajster is said to be very excited about getting a hydro-mop-handle therapy treatment in the resort's beauty salon, since anything that takes his mind off the car batteries on his balls will be considered "a gift from Allah."
APPOINTED FOR LIFE I see you have overlooked something.
Much to the chagrin of the little people at Stanford's Center for Russian and Eastern European Studies (CREES), the hated McFaul finally got tenure last spring. You'll notice he of the "Russian foreign policy in Southern Africa" dissertation (ca 1990) no longer uses the Carnegie Center krysha in his op-eds -- he now feels safe to use the Stanford title again.
Another Frequent Bather
Dear Mr. Bather,
Yeah, but Condi Rice still can't remember McFaul's name, and never returns his calls. And she's just a dirty ass black bitch! Imagine how much that must hurt McFaul's pride!
LESIONS OF THE MCFAUL Dear Mr. Ames,
"Der Neue Mcfaul" is not only brilliant, but important. I had the misfortune to be within ectoplasm range of this creature at a Fulbright orientation meeting. Still can't get rid of the stink. I hope you consider giving this piece special attention. Please circulate it as widely as possible.
Bully, very bully!
...of course I meant "brilliant" diffferently than McFaul uses the term.
Dear Mr. Sommers,
Bathe in tomato juice. It's said to help with the stink.
DISSED-APOINTED Dear Matt/ Mark
I feel I must express my heartfelt disappointment on reading the review of the eXile's recently completed Five Year Plan, with particular regard to the Sphere of Dangerous Drugs. In four years, just 200 grams of speed consumed by the team?! I thought you guys were the speedkings! When I was just a scrawny nineteen-year-old addict I could have dealt with that myself in six months, max. You guys were my heroes!
And don't even give me the "it was 100% pure Estonian" line. Disillusioned and disenchanted ex- eXile obsessive...
Please tell me its a typo or I'll have to start reading Loaded.
Dear Ms. E.,
It's was a typo. Big mistake. Heh-heh. So... can you, er, send an mpeg of you sending a jpeg of your sweaty hood?
A ROYAL IDIOT Mr. Higgins,
This is in response to your email which I received this morning. As your home account seems to be malfunctioning, I take the liberty of directing the reply to your work address: While the offer is appreciated, I have no wish to engage in "hot times" with you, regardless of your sexual prowess or muscular abilities. Also, while admiring letters are always flattering, I do not wish to discuss the girth or length of my "tube steak" at this time.