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Unfiled May 1, 2002
 
Restaurant Reviewer Assaulted
By eXile Staff Browse author
 
 

Radical activists from the Moscow-based "Save the Chilean Sea Bass Fund" pelted new eXile restaurant critic Danny Schwartz with ten kilograms of fresh green mango chutney on the first floor of Marika last Friday evening. The hit occurred after activists received reports that Schwartz ordered Sea Bass of an unconfirmed nationality for his main course in the restaurant upstairs.

Schwartz was briefly hospitalized in the American Medical Center, where he received treatment for the humiliation he suffered in one of Moscow's hottest nightspots. He also required minor surgery to remove what appeared to be a pine nut sliver from his eye, as well as a green mango chutney stain on his Urban Outfitters cargo pants. "Why did it have to happen in front of that blonde babe who kept making eye contact with me?" Schwartz asked reporters from his bed at the Center. "I was just about to ask her to ignore me."

"Chutnings", as this brand of attack has been labeled by news organizations including The Russia Journal, have become increasingly frequent of late in economically booming Moscow.

Activists began resorting to such extreme measures after Greenpeace placed the Omega-3-oil-rich fish -- popular among female members of Moscow's emerging middle class -- on its list of potentially threatened species. "Potentially threatened" animals are only two steps away from being classified as endangered, which itself is only one step away from extinction. "I don't want to bring my children into a world without Chilean Sea Bass," said one activist wearing an undersized t-shirt reading "Chilean Sea Bass Are Sea Bass Too!". Her naval pierce is in the shape of the Chilean Sea Bass. She says she finds them "erotic."

After the attack, the activists vanished, although there were unconfirmed reports on the Kremlin-backed website strana.ru that they regrouped at Krisis Zhanra, where they listened to a rousing acoustic performance by socially-conscious singer Umka, who sang about the plight of the Chilean Sea Bass in her underground hit "Toothfish, My Toothfish".

Reports of sightings of urban guerrillas have surfaced in the past only to be proven false.

The Save the Chilean Sea Bass Fund is alleged to have links the Animal Liberation Frontline, which is listed on the U.S. State Department's list of international terrorist organizations. The ALF frequently claims credit for releasing minks from fur-farms in the Pacific Northwest. The minks usually eat each other and their young within 24 hours of liberation.

In recent weeks, security has been stepped up at high-end Moscow-area restaurants and face-controlled tanning salons that serve the controversial fish. Face control is the primary mechanism used to prevent such attacks, although the Save the Chilean Sea Bass Fund has successfully recruited several aging models able to bypass security precautions at all but the most exclusive clubs. Such agents were reportedly among the attackers in Friday's episode. Some even believe that vegan lesbians posing as male ohraniki were in on the act, although others say that okhraniki tend to look like lesbians anyway, so it's impossible to tell.

"Hey, I want to know why nobody is out protesting the kambala dish listed in the 'k pivo' section of Mehana Bansko's menu, man," said John "Flounder" Heisel, in a telephone interview from the Marketing Russia office near metro Vykino, where he displayed symptoms indicating he was under the influence of powerful tranquilizers and Baltika #9. «Kambala» is Russian for Flounder.

Material from the wire services, Moscow News, Panorama, Moskauer Deutsche Zeitung, Get Set and Le Journal Franc were used in this report.

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