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Unfiled May 1, 2002
Restaurant Reviewer Assaulted
By eXile Staff Browse author

Radical activists from the Moscow-based "Save the Chilean Sea Bass Fund" pelted new eXile restaurant critic Danny Schwartz with ten kilograms of fresh green mango chutney on the first floor of Marika last Friday evening. The hit occurred after activists received reports that Schwartz ordered Sea Bass of an unconfirmed nationality for his main course in the restaurant upstairs.

Schwartz was briefly hospitalized in the American Medical Center, where he received treatment for the humiliation he suffered in one of Moscow's hottest nightspots. He also required minor surgery to remove what appeared to be a pine nut sliver from his eye, as well as a green mango chutney stain on his Urban Outfitters cargo pants. "Why did it have to happen in front of that blonde babe who kept making eye contact with me?" Schwartz asked reporters from his bed at the Center. "I was just about to ask her to ignore me."

"Chutnings", as this brand of attack has been labeled by news organizations including The Russia Journal, have become increasingly frequent of late in economically booming Moscow.

Activists began resorting to such extreme measures after Greenpeace placed the Omega-3-oil-rich fish -- popular among female members of Moscow's emerging middle class -- on its list of potentially threatened species. "Potentially threatened" animals are only two steps away from being classified as endangered, which itself is only one step away from extinction. "I don't want to bring my children into a world without Chilean Sea Bass," said one activist wearing an undersized t-shirt reading "Chilean Sea Bass Are Sea Bass Too!". Her naval pierce is in the shape of the Chilean Sea Bass. She says she finds them "erotic."

After the attack, the activists vanished, although there were unconfirmed reports on the Kremlin-backed website that they regrouped at Krisis Zhanra, where they listened to a rousing acoustic performance by socially-conscious singer Umka, who sang about the plight of the Chilean Sea Bass in her underground hit "Toothfish, My Toothfish".

Reports of sightings of urban guerrillas have surfaced in the past only to be proven false.

The Save the Chilean Sea Bass Fund is alleged to have links the Animal Liberation Frontline, which is listed on the U.S. State Department's list of international terrorist organizations. The ALF frequently claims credit for releasing minks from fur-farms in the Pacific Northwest. The minks usually eat each other and their young within 24 hours of liberation.

In recent weeks, security has been stepped up at high-end Moscow-area restaurants and face-controlled tanning salons that serve the controversial fish. Face control is the primary mechanism used to prevent such attacks, although the Save the Chilean Sea Bass Fund has successfully recruited several aging models able to bypass security precautions at all but the most exclusive clubs. Such agents were reportedly among the attackers in Friday's episode. Some even believe that vegan lesbians posing as male ohraniki were in on the act, although others say that okhraniki tend to look like lesbians anyway, so it's impossible to tell.

"Hey, I want to know why nobody is out protesting the kambala dish listed in the 'k pivo' section of Mehana Bansko's menu, man," said John "Flounder" Heisel, in a telephone interview from the Marketing Russia office near metro Vykino, where he displayed symptoms indicating he was under the influence of powerful tranquilizers and Baltika #9. «Kambala» is Russian for Flounder.

Material from the wire services, Moscow News, Panorama, Moskauer Deutsche Zeitung, Get Set and Le Journal Franc were used in this report.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

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Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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