I got the idea for the dyev-endurance contest from Olya. We were together for the third day in one week. That's a lot of time for me to spend with a female in such a short period. I want to repeat that: three (3) days in one (1) week with the same woman. More than I am capable of.
from hell to paradise
- AN EXILE CONTEST!
HEY, DEVUSHKI! SURVIVE TWO WEEKS WITH AMES...
And WIN WIN WIN a free trip to Sochi!
That's right, girls! The eXile is holding a once in a lifetime contest. Following hard on the heels of the success of Za Steklom, we're inviting any able-bodied female Russian citizen from the age of 16 to 26 to spend 2 weeks living at Mark Ames' apartment. That's right: eat, sleep, shave and shit with the eXile's own hairy-backed editor! If U manage to avoid getting murdered, U win a free ticket to Russia's favorite tropical paradise. Sunny Sochi! The Jewel of Eurasia!
THIS IS NO JOKE!
You must be a female Russian citizen, age 16-26, willing to spend two weeks living with Mark Ames in his apartment. You are not obligated to cook, clean or walk the streets to pay rent, though he may attempt to persuade you to do so. Don't worry about sleeping in the same bed with Ames -- he's been impotent for years now. He just wants to spoon. Note: Girls who have slept with Ames already are automatically disqualified, as their chances of survival are too low to make this a fair contest.
IS IT WORTH IT, GIRLS? Does the Patriarch shit in the woods? Girls, if Sochi doesn't sound like paradise to you, then you should get your thingies checked!
HERE'S HOW TO ENTER!
Send by mail, fax or email a photo with your name, age, height, weight and a brief description of your most annoying chyorti kharaktera. The more annoying U are, the better your chance of being chosen. Make sure you let us know how to contact you. Then prepare for the worst 2 weeks of your life... and a
FREE ROUND-TRIP TICKET TO PARADISE!
FAX: 245-1415 (subject "Contest")
Email: email@example.com (subject "Contest")
Snail Mail: The eXile Contest Department, Zubovsky Proezd 2/2, Kv. 21, Moscow, Russia, 119021
WHO WILL BE THE LUCKY GIRL? WILL AMES DEFENESTRATE HER BEFORE SHE EARNS HER TICKET TO SOCHI? Two weeks is a long time! ANYTHING, EVEN AN ACCIDENT, CAN HAPPEN! Stay tuned to the eXile for details!...
I was trying to be nice. It was Olya's birthday. I did everything I could to suppress the little voice that told me to flee from her the minute she appeared at my door...
She saw right away that I wanted to be left alone. That physical contact made me shudder. So she pressed the advantage. She threw herself at me in a way she'd never done before. To her credit, she made me pay.
"Let's fuck right now," she said, sitting on me after I fled to my computer, anything to transport myself to a happy place. Wherever I moved my face -- she followed it with her lips, holding the back of my neck.
"I want you so, so badly, Mark." Her breath was warm.
I didn't take her come-on as a compliment -- on the contrary, I KNOW that women always try to torture men at moments like this. It's not that they get insecure when they sense you don't want to be with them, and therefore, out of a need for reassurance, they come on stronger to you. No, that's the bleeding-heart, fool's theory. Women are much more clever than that. They see you don't want to be with them... so they torture you. That's all there is to it. There's not a lot of profound, layered meaning to their actions.
"I'm so horny right now, Mark," Olya said. "Let's fuck, please." She started kissing me, with what seemed like two or three large tongues at once. Tongues seemed to sprout out of the back of her head, out of the tips of her fingers. I finally had to push her off of my chair, but just as I reached out to choke her, I remembered, "It's her birthday. I have to be nice to her."