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Feature Story May 29, 2002
 
The Christ Cup 2002: Pregame Show!
 
 

It's summer 2002. Four years of regular season play all come down to this. The guts, the glory, the wailing in front of the TV cameras... The championship countdown season for the world's oldest, most popular sport of all has arrived again. That's right, it's the World Victimization League's Christ Cup 2002 Finals! Where victimized races, religions, ethnic groups and genders the world over battle for that tiny, scarce space in the limelight known as "Air Time." Who will be crowned World Victim Champion this year? Which ethnic group has been able to convert as much real suffering into re-transmitted pathos over the past four years? What peoples across the world have risen from obscurity, fallen from grace, stormed out of nowhere only to recede again, and which victimized peoples remain in total obscurity? We're here to tell you. Yassir Arafat crusified

What makes this year's World Victimization League Christ Cup Finals so special for us is that this year, for the first time, our new spin-off project, Victim Network (VNeX), the eXile's 24-hour victimization coverage i-network, is bringing to you eXclusive live coverage of this most major of major world events. This summer, once again, the world's greatest victims will battle it out to see who walks home with the Championship trophy so desperately coveted by victims the world over: The Christ Cup. In honor of Jesus Christ, the founder of the National Victimization Association back in 32 A.D., which later became the Known World Victimization League, and finally, during the age of Enlightenment, merged with the Dark Continent League to become the World Victimization League that we know it as today. Jesus Christ: superstar, the man who wrote the rules on being a victim and who gave his life to the game, the Son of God to many of his fans, controversial in his time, and still to this day considered the single greatest victim to ever play the game. Don't forget to visit the Jesus Christ World Victimization Hall of Fame in Shelbyville, Kentucky!

Which ethnic group will go home with the Christ Cup?

Stick with us here at VNeX for our eXciting eXclusive pre-game show.

And now, a word from our sponsors:

[GERRY ADAMS AND DESMOND TUTU IN A SMALL ROWING BOAT, FISHING. TUTU, IN PURPLE ROBES, LEANS OVER THE BOAT TO REACH FOR A 10-RAND NOTE.]

Adams: What're ye doon, Fadder? Ye're after soilin' yer wee robe!

Tutu: No you see, Gerry, I want this 10-rand note.

[TUTU REACHES FARTHER OVER THE SIDE, TIPPING THE BOAT]

Adams: Ye're mad, Fadder, if ye doon mind me sayin' -- ye'll have us drowned fer a feew pence. Would ye let me die before our day comes, the establishment of a free, Irish-speaking, 32-county republic? Would ye?

Tutu: Don't you know, man? With the new 10-10-220 long distance service, I can call anywhere and get 20 minutes for 99 cents.

Adams: Now what if I wanted to call far places -- Donegal, now, or even Leitrim? Sure they'd be miles from the Falls -- I'd still get yer 99-cent deal?

Tutu: Yes, man! Even to Lesotho. You must listen to me. 10-10-220 offers long distance to anywhere, 20 minutes for 99 cents. It's the non-violent choice for champion victims.

[ADAMS PULLS OUT AN AK-47, EMPTIES AN ENTIRE CLIP INTO TUTU'S CHEST, TIPS HIM OVER THE BOAT, REACHES FOR THE 10-RAND NOTE AND HOLDS IT UP.]

Adams: Sure the best way to keep from the sin of covetousness is to keep all the pennies in yer own personal possession. Thanks fer the contribution, fadder, and peace be with ye among the fishes. Now, yer man has a lot of phone calls t'make! Jew soccer player kicking the head of Daniel Pearl


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FROM THE VAULT

Felgenhauer-Gate: Moscow Times editor drops the censored stamp on its own Russian dissident :

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LATEST ARTICLES

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
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We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
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Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

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Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...

 
 
 

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