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Feature Story May 29, 2002
 
The Christ Cup 2002: Pregame Show!
 
Page 4 of 4
 

Yasser Arafat: Hi Jim.

McKay: It's good to have you with us, Yasser.

Arafat: Thanks Jim, good to be here in your studios.

McKay: You guys, the Palestinian Team, were really the doormats of the Orient Division for years. Of course it was hard being in the same division with The Jews, who have literally owned the World Victimization League even going back, heck, to the days when it was just the Known World Victimization League, before it merged with the Dark Continent and New World Indigenous Peoples' League. But lately they've been slipping and you guys came out of nowhere to challenge them. What was it? Some say draft picks, others say team work.

Arafat: Well, with a new generation, we were pretty happy with our draft picks, but that's not it. We trained hard, we made some changes at the top, but more than anything we just watched a lot of films. Studied the films, where we went wrong, where the other teams were going right.

McKay: Films of the Jews?

Arafat: Of the Jews, yeah Jim, but not only Schindler's List. We watched a lot of films of successful victims. Gandhi, King of Kings, that sort of stuff.

McKay: Some say that Sharon is just a one-season coach, that he's too fixated on the long bomb and that times have changed.

Arafat: Well, I'm not going to talk bad about Sharon, he's been around a long time and he's as qualified as anyone out there. I'm just focused on our team and how we can make our victimization work best.

Jackson: Of course, there's the West Bank Offense that you've perfected with the short bomb, Yasser. What can you tell us about that?

Arafat: Well, I'd rather not talk about it. I'd rather talk about the team spirit we built during camp training all these years.

McKay: Woops, hold on here. Got to cut to a special service announcement from the WVL. We'll be right back after this break, don't go away:

[GRAINY PICTURE OF MAN IN A WHITE ROBE RIDING A DONKEY. IN THE DISTANCE, SUN SILHOUETTES A CITY.]

Voice Over: They said he was a fool.

[ANGRY SCREAMING GRAINY PEOPLE, THEN CUT TO MAN ON DONKEY APPROACHING CITY.]

VO: They said he was wrong for wan-ting what was right.

[SILHOUETTE OF SHIELDS AND LONG SPEARS.]

VO: They told him that if he didn't stop agitating on behalf of the downtrodden multitudes...

[CUT TO MAN ON DONKEY NOW ON A HILLTOP, ARMS RAISED, GRAINY]

Man: And blessed are the meek...

VO: Or else, they would crucify him.

[CUT TO JESUS ON A CROSS, FOLLOWERS WEEPING BELOW.]

VO: One man. One cross. All of humanity saved. He was the first victim, and he'll be the last. The Lord Our Savior, Jesus Christ. Holder of every Victimization record since the beginning of time.

[CUT TO SEVERAL QUICK SHOTS OF POOR STARVING PEASANTS REACHING OUT, THEN IN A FLASH OF LIGHT, A CLEAR SHOT OF JESUS ON THE CROSS.]

Jesus: Go ahead. Leave me up here. Make my eternity.

[CUT TO SEVERAL PLAYSTATION-LIKE ROBOTIC TYPES, SIMILAR TO NFL GRAPHICS, GETTING NAILED ON CROSSES AND BURNED, SCREAMING]

VO: Brought to you by The World Victimization League. The 2002 Christ Cup. It hurts just thinking about it!

Advertisement #2:

[ANDREA DWORKIN AND "ZHASMIN", AN AFGHAN WOMAN IN A BLUE BURQA, IN A SMALL ROWING BOAT, FISHING. DWORKIN, IN TANK TOP, LEANS OVER, REVEALING HAIRY ARMPITS, TO GRAB A DOLLAR BILL FLOATING IN THE WATER WITH HER FISHING POLE.]

Zhasmin: What do you doing, Andrea? The boat is about to capsize.

Dworkin: I'm trying to reach this one dollar bill.

[DWORKIN REACHES FARTHER OVER THE SIDE, TIPPING THE BOAT SO THAT ZHASMIN IS NOW ALMOST AT A 90 DEGREE ANGLE, HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE. GUPPIES AND WATER SKEETS FLEE FROM DWORKIN'S VISAGE, LEAVING MAD RIPPLES IN THE WATER.]

Zhasmin: Oh, I fear this is not good, Miss Dworkin. I do not know how to swim.

Dworkin: Shut your trap, you ignorant twit. With the new 10-10-220 long distance service, I can call anywhere and get 20 minutes for 99 cents.

Zhasmin: You mean, even if I call my husband in the tribal area of Western Pakistan, where he is presently training and preparing to return to Afghanistan, it only costs 99 cents?

Dworkin: Of course you can! And what's your husband doing in Western Pakistan anyway? Watching pornography?

Zhasmin: Oh no, that is representational.

Dworkin: Take that goddamn Burqa off, or I'll beat you myself.

Zhasmin: I choose number two, Miss Dworkin. With pleasure! Just so long as I can call my husband. He can beat me too. What is that number again?

Dworkin: 10-10-220. That's 10-10-220. If I can only reach that damn bill. Here, I'll hold you by your feet, and you use your teeth to snap it up. I don't want to get myself wet. I sink easily, you know.

[DWORKIN LEANS BACK IN BOAT, SPLASHING...CUT TO DWORKIN HOLDING ZHASMIN BY HER FEET AS ZHASMIN REACHES FOR 1 DOLLAR BILL WITH HER TEETH...]

Zhasmin: I got it! Miss Dworkin!

Dworkin: [HAULING HER IN] That's what you think!

...back to the WVL League studios.

McKay: We're back with the Christ Cup pre-game show. I'm here with Tom Jackson and Dennis Miller. Tom, very interesting conversation with Palestinian General Manager Yasser Arafat. He seemed confident, didn't he?

THE WORLD VICTIMIZATION LEAGUE QUALIFIERS CUP FINALISTS

10-10-feet, and you use your WESTERN CONFERENCE want to get myself.

North American Division
  1. HIV-Positive Gay Artists
  2. Lesbians
  3. Upper-Middle-Class White Women Married To Cold Corporate Husbands
  4. Recovered Memory Victims
  5. American Jews
  6. Canadian Women
  7. African Americans
  8. White Trash
  9. White Working Class Malesback with Christ
  10. Progressives and Activists here with Tom
Central American Division
  1. Gabriel Garcia Marquez/Fidel Castro/Hugo Chavez
  2. Vasquez Island Protestors
  3. Guatemalan Indians be going
  4. Chiapas Indians
Southern American Division
  1. Colombian Peasants

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Orient Division
  1. Palestinians in Israeli-Occupied Terrority
  2. Jews
  3. Kurds* take a
  4. Danny Pearl
  5. Women Forced to Cover Their Faces*
  6. The Seething Muslim Masses Living under Regimes Supported by the United States
  7. Iraqi Children
EuroLeague Division
  1. Jewrope (Jews In Europe, separate from the Jews-Orient team)
  2. Minorities in Europe
  3. Irish Catholics
  4. Albanians
  5. Former-Soviet Sex Slaves
Dark Continent Division
  1. South African Blacks
  2. South African Whites
  3. African Women Castrated
  4. HIV-Positive African Women
  5. Rare Mountain Gorillas
  6. Tutsis
Far East Division
  1. Tibetan Monks
  2. Tibetans
  3. Workers in Nike and Gap factories
  4. Burmese Democracy Activists
  5. East Timorese

Miller: Yeah, with a name like Arafat, you get the feeling that he won't be going hungry any time soon. I mean come on, what the heck is with these Palestinians anyway? These guys blow up women and children with razor bombs attached to their nads, and they're the ones who score the victim points? I haven't seen anything this upside-down since Kevin Kline held John Cleese out the third floor window in A Fish Called Wanda, you know?

McKay: Uh, right. Tom?

Jackson: Yes Jim, he seemed confident, cool, and assured of himself. Let's take a look at the highlights here...

[CUT TO HIGHLIGHTS OF BULLDOZERS IN CAMPS, BODIES, AND WAILING IN FRONT OF CAMERAS.]

Jackson: As you can see, the Palestinians soundly defeated the Jews in the Orient Division championships last month. Of course both teams qualified for the Christ Cup, but many people think that this was a preview of the WVL finals in September. Jim?

[CUT TO HIGHLIGHTS OF PALESTINIAN TEAM CELEBRATING VICTORY BY DOING THE "DIRTY CRUCIFIX" DANCE, FOR WHICH THEY WERE PENALIZED WITH TWO NEGATIVE ARTICLES IN THE NEW YORK TIMES.]

McKay: Let's talk about the Albanians. In 1999, they were awarded Jewish points in their matches against the Irish Catholics, the Serbs, the Bosnian Muslims. What happened?

Jackson: That's right. In 1999, suddenly out of nowhere the Albanians were scoring victimization points almost unheard of for such a raw, inexperienced team. Again, it's a case of not building on the fundamentals. They did a great job of emigrating as refugees using horse carts, talking up hundreds of thousands dead. The Serbs never understood it -- they walked into every match way overconfident, but got blown out. Ibrahim Rugova told me once, "Never underetsimate your opponent," and that's what happened. But the Albanians were a classic flash-in-the-pan team. They couldn't follow through, and today, they didn't even qualify for the Christ Cup 2002.

McKay: They really blew it against Macedonia, didn't they. My how fast things can change. How about the Kurds, Tom? People are saying that they might become strong victimization contenders again now that the coalition forces are preparing to attack Iraq.

[CUT TO FILMS OF KURDS DEAD FROM GASSING, VILLAGES OBLITERATED.]

Jackson: Right you are. The Kurds are one of those teams with all the fundamentals, but just a lot of bad luck. Bad timing, a few bad draft picks, bad scheduling. Things beyond their control. This could be their year.

McKay: Of course, this also means that the 500,000 or so Iraqi children who have died due to UN sanctions and who were starting to climb up the Orient Division standings are now history.

Jackson: That's right. History. Like the Caribs or the Tasmanians. Extinct.

McKay: And as we all know, extinction disqualifies a team from the WVL cup tournament. One more question. We've been hearing a lot lately about Recovered-Memory Victims. These are mostly white women, often upper-middle class and many times lesbian, Jewish...what do you give this team?

Jackson: I think it's too early to tell. They qualified for the cup, but they're new and inexperienced. Their strikers are scoring by re-remembering times that their fathers sexually abused them as children. Now they've added plays like the one in which they claim they were victims of Satanic rituals. They've got a lot of victimization support from the psychology community, and that's important. But as I said, it's too early to tell.

Miller: Yeah, I'd like to recover a memory of me winning an Emmy, but we can't have everything, can we? I mean really, what the heck is this recovered memory garbage? Sounds to me like a Schwartzenegger flick by way of Proust for the Springer-chic crowd.

Jackson: Dennis, I'm...

Miller: You're what, Tom?

Jackson: Jim, I'm going to pop this...

Miller: This what, Tom? What's the matter, cat got your tongue? Looks like he wiped himself on your tie.

Jackson: You dirty little Jewboy! I hate you! I hate you!

[JACKSON THROWS DOWN HIS MICROPHONE AND ATTACKS MILLER. MILLER FALLS TO THE GROUND, TAKING REPEATED BLOWS TO THE FACE.]

McKay: Tom, oh Tom, you just lost. Waytago, Dennis. You still have the victimization instinct in you. By our scorecard here, you just beat Tom soundly in this unannounced match.

Miller: (wiping blood and teeth from mouth) I kicked hith thorry atth! Woo-hoo!

[MILLER, LYING, HOLDS HIS ARMS OUT TO THE SIDE, FEET TOGETHER, DOING A TAUNTING "DIRTY CROSS" DANCE. CAMERAS PAN AROUND HIM MTV-STYLE, BLOOD AND TEETH SPITTING UPWARDS. CUT TO TOM JACKSON, HEAD IN HANDS, LOOKING UP TO THE LIGHTS, FACE SHOWING THE AGONY OF DEFEAT.]

McKay: Well, there you have it. The pre-game show for the Christ Cup 2002. Proving once again that no matter who takes home the Christ Cup this year, every single one of these groups goes home a loser. That's why they're here, and that's what victimization is really about. And here they are, the greatest victims of the past four years, ready to battle knee-to-knee, wound-to-wound, all summer long. Thank you, and have a painful day.

FADE OUT

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