Mankind's only alternative 6   OCT.   22  
Mankind's only alternative
War Nerd RSS

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Feature Story July 25, 2002
Missing the Mongols
By John Dolan Browse author Email
Page 3 of 4
A science-fiction writer wisely said, "The thing about aliens is--they're ALIEN." You can't understand them. You never will. That's true of the Mongols: they were so unlike the people who "eat bread" that chroniclers can only describe them by resorting to a whole zoo of analogies, like the Armenian does: they were like ants, lions, snakes, birds, dogs...everything but human. The Mongols referred to themselves as a "swarm of birds"; they flew, while the humans trudged. The humans said the same: "The Mongols appear where least expected," coming and going like a wry, lethal God.

The Khans claimed to be the descendants of a she-wolf. They tinkered with humans; they played. When Ogotai, son of Genghiz Khan, captured North China, his lieutenants suggested that the human population be erased, because all these walls--the houses and palaces and cities which were no more to the Mongols than termite mounds--spoiled what could have been good pasture. The Khan considered it, but decided as a matter of policy that those bipeds could be useful. And it would have been a lot of work to erase them, because there were at least twenty million people in North China. He let them live. That's why China is not pasture today. Mongolian tribe on the ride

In Iran, the Mongols chose to erase the human population: that's why much of Iran is desert today.

And that's why we need to talk to the Khans now: because they are the only people before the invention of nuclear weapons to have treated the world as a garden to be pruned as they chose. We need to compare notes with Genghiz and Kublai Khan, with Subotai and Ogodai. But it's difficult, because the Mongols are coming into fashion and becoming extinct.

The two processes are linked: extinction first, then fashionability.

The missionaries are in charge of the actual extinction. As the eXile's inimitable War Nerd recently pointed out, the missionaries are the military wing of Christianity, the real stormtroubadors. They are busily infecting the Mongols now. Mongolia is converting to Christianity faster than any other country in the world. Some reports say the whole population will be Christian in ten years. Plump white folks from Nebraska and Texas are fanning out over the steppes in expensive new Toyota Landcruisers, visiting the most remote herders' tents to breathe the God-virus on them. And these Mongols, the shy remnant, lack the Khans' immunity to the God-virus; they're succumbing to it instantly.

For the herders, the switch from Buddha and the shamans to Jesus is simple: Jesus brings stuff every time his followers come by, while Buddha never brought anything. The old Buddhist monks just sat in their lamaseries, chanting; the Christian missionaries, these inexplicable white people in vehicles worth more than most Mongolian towns, drop off blankets and pots every time they come by. And the shamans' drums don't work as well as the drugs the plump visitors bring.

So the Mongols are finished. Already they've descended to human; soon they'll be churchgoing stooges--less than human. Ten years from now they'll all be in cheap suits, singing Come to Jesus in the key of C and studying accounting at Oral Roberts U.. Then the Khans will really be gone.

The most grotesque aspect of the whole thing is that Hollywood is going Buddhist/shamanistic as quickly as the Gobi is going Christian, so that in a decade the Dalai Lama may build a new, Lhasa-style palace overlooking the HOLLYWOOD sign while Pat Robertson powers his wheelchair up the ramp of a brand-new Jesusarium & Bible College built on the ruins of Genghiz's capital.

Somehow, though, it's not a fair exchange. Hollywood Mongols just wouldn't be very good. Hollywood has never done the Mongols very well. John Wayne actually played Genghiz in a movie called The Conqueror, but I've heard it was one of the worst movies ever. Didn't see it myself; I don't go in for camp, especially about serious matters.

Genghiz Khan

Genghiz Khan

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit

Browse author

Moscow Nitelife Roundup :

Sweeney Todd: A Blood-Gurgling Opera :
iNightclubbing: Partying in Moscow With The iPhone : On the town with the ultimate broken bait

Recession Penis :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442