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Mankind's only alternative

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Unfiled September 19, 2002
Moscow 2152: Tomorrow’s

In this special eXile 150th issue, we managed the impossible. Using a revolutionary new tachyon-burst transmission beam developed at the eXile's U-Sir Friendly technology campus, located in the VIP room at the Rasputin strip club, we contacted the eXile offices 150 years into the future. We beamed a carefully-crafted message over and over, a message that passed through the boundaries of space and time, to our offices of the future. Our message to the future: "hey."

After several nail-biting, jaw-grinding hours, we received mankind's first-ever reply from the future. The sub-atomic particle collider, which we installed around the stage in the Lesbian Zone room, heated up, glowed, then clicked in a flash. Our computers recorded the sub-atomic beam transmission, and translated it back to us: "what are you wearing?"

We'd made contact! Now that we'd crossed the great barrier of time, we composed another message that, we hoped, would affect all of our lives and change our world for the better: "send drugs."

Their answer was long in coming, but when it arrived, it carried with it all the wisdom and mystery that men of the future hold:

The last of a dying breed

The last of a dying breed.

"boil Vick's Vapo-Rub in kvas. smear paste on anal tissue. great buzz." So we did it. And we got sooooo wasted. Later, as we established stronger communication ties, we learned that the eXile of the future had simply played a prank on us, published a big article about how we'd taken the bait and rubbed Vick's Vapo-Rub on our cracks. The joke went over really well with the slime molds on Ganymede. No wonder it burned for days. Boy, did we feel like idiots!

It wasn't easy getting concrete information out of the future eXile editors. In the first place, they were never in their office. And when they were there, they'd beam messages like "too busy now will get back later promise" or "had a rough weekend need time to recover" or just "fuck off." Other times, they'd write, "Gotta go pray now, almost 5pm" or "time to pray, sun going down" or "lunch, then pray, then back to the computer." At the time, we assumed "pray" referred to some activity of the future which in all likelihood replaced our primitive belief in organized religion. "To pray," we assumed, was an ironic euphemism for some popular activity of the future.

Now that we'd opened the window to the future, we had so many questions we wanted answered. Like, "what's a good stock to pick?" [answer: "carlysle group if listed, krispy creme if not"] and "has europe resolved vexing subject/object split?" [answer: "miracle yes turns out they were adjoined all along at the 'j' but now europeans troubled by i/you/he/she/it trialectic discovered by marignac in 2104 inspired failed eu student uprising in 2121"] and "have you found cure for common cold?" [answer: "we can teleport man to ganymede in bakpiria solar system but no cure for common cold can you believe it"] and "does democracy take root in russia?" [answer: "if you must know okay you die on march 25 2008 of BICS sexual disease not yet discovered in your time very slow painful death said to be worse than burning to death from inside out while suffocating and no drug developed to lessen pain until 2057 oops just realize that wasnt your question sorry hope this doesnt transmit pls disregard message"].

Eventually, we were able to commission a series of articles for our 150th anniversary, articles from the future, the year 2152 to be exact. They promised to get those articles in to us by late August. We didn't get them until the very morning that this issue goes to print, so we apologize if they're a little raw. Most of their articles had long, rambling sentences full of spelling mistakes and non-sequiturs. We'd asked for hard-hitting investigative journalism pieces, but instead we got an earful of subjective opinion about things we didn't understand at all. Probably had a few bugs to work out in the tachyon transmission beam technology. In any event, we reconstructed these sub-atomic articles, as it were, and now we are proud to present to you, the eXile reader, the first ever articles beamed from the future. Set the course for the future, Scottie, cuz we're going where no eXhole has ever gone before!

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Serfin' USA: Duped Russkies :

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The Republican Guard :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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