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Kino Korner October 17, 2002
K-Y-19: The Hemorroidmaker
By Mark Ames Browse author Email

I'm going to calm down a little bit this issue. Rather than a long rant about one movie, I'm going to try to do my job here and stick to serving you, the reader, with as many useful reviews, ratings and tips as possible on films in English showing this week and next in Moscow. No more distracting American chick dates, and no more procrastination-fueled speed rants. Could it be related to the fact that we're out of the jaw-grinding powder, and all weekend I've been floating down the Mekong on a raft of bliss, gently bobbing on the Hmong people's finest flower paste?

See, last issue I got so worked up about those slimy Greeks and my surprising date that I didn't even get to squeeze in what I wanted to say about Austin Powers 3: Goldmember, and why that movie deserved three Mark David Chapman stalker icons against Mike Myers. It's a long theory I have about famous, rich lazy fucks like Myers who, rather than really trying to entertain all us poor saps, instead flood the peasantry with poking-fun-at-myself jokes in order to mask the fact that they're making off with your loot, and banging every desperate teenager in Hollywood on the way to the bank... Can't write a decent script but still want all the dough? Then write a bunch of jokes into the script about how your script isn't original or funny, sit back, and watch the critical praise (and money) pour in. Ain't it funny? Ain't all those CEO corporate roasts and presidential self-demeaning quips just enough to make a slave feel like his master ain't no dif'rn't from us aftuh all? No, it's not funny. It's horrible, probably the most horrible thing about being alive today. It's not fair. For the ripped-off masses, the only thing we've got are our savage jokes and put-downs of the fame-istocracy; self-referential sequels that make fun of the fact that they suck take away our last weapon of ineffective vengeance. Now all we can do is murder those who star in and profit from those sequels. Therefore, Mike Myers should be ruthlessly stalked for the rest of his life and murdered in front of his wife and children with a dirty yarn needle.


When this movie first screened in Moscow, the Russian crew survivors of the submarine accident complained that K-19 was totally inaccurate, from start to finish. The story made all the entertainment news wires over the past week. Welp, tovarischi, I got some news for ya: ALL AMERICAN MOVIES ARE LIES! Duh! You think it's bad having to sit through a shitty, lie-packed version of your little underwater tragedy? You had it easy, comrades! How about this: how about growing up for 25 years in America and seeing nothing but lies upon lies depicting supposedly real life in America on movie screens and on TV. Twenty-five fucking years of lies! That's what I went through, before finally fleeing. You can't handle one little 90 minute lie? No wonder you lost the Cold War! We Americans can survive entire lifetimes of bad lies! We're tough! Ever see "Allie McBeal"? Huh? "Sex In the City"? "Everybody Loves Raymond"? Huh, comrades?! No? Then shuttup, sit down and take it like a man!

Which brings me to my first digression. Once in a rare while a movie comes out in America that isn't a lie at all, a movie in fact that is so true it's shocking, too shocking for most people, particularly the Beigeocrats, to handle. Storytelling is one such movie. I'd been led to believe that Storytelling was merely "gratuitous" and "an assault on the audience" by people whose opinions on movies I normally agree with. So I didn't see it until a friend got it on DVD recently.

They were right: Storytelling is shocking and an assault on the audience, but not because it's a trick; rather, Storytelling is just the plain truth, without any artsy or moral escape hatches. What I've learned after listening to people's opinions on the eXile is that when people complain that you're "merely trying to shock them" or that you're "gratuitous" what they really mean is that you've hurt them, and they won't forgive you for it.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

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Your Letters
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Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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