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[SIC!] November 27, 2002
 
Your Letters
 
 

The eXhole reaction to David Johnson's censoring us from his JRL list was swift, brutal, and childish, exactly what the world would expect from our readers. Johnson responded with the kind of stern, white-lipped, ruler-wrap-on-the-knuckles that we recognize from the days of firing spitwads in grammar school. Here is a sample of the letters we got from readers, and Mr. Johnson himself (who forwarded some of the most offensive letters he received to the eXile as a way of rubbing our faces in faeces in the hope that we'll have learned the adult lesson that 'It's wrong to swear, but it's okay to censor.')

EARTH-QUAKER

Know anything about this?

David

****** From: "Nikolay"
To:
Subject: A hard bargain,
Date: Sun, 17 Nov 2002 15:43:17 -0600
STUPID FAG, fuck yourself in the ass. Don't censor the EXILE again, stupid idiot.

Dear Mr. Johnson,

Nope, don't know anything about it. Why don't you run to Mikey McFaul for help? Now that he's your krysha, he should be able to set this situation right.

QUAKER OATS

I'm afraid this is the kind of response that is stirred up.

David

****** From: "Sic Fakker"
To: davidjohnson@erols.com
Subject: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2002 00:15:25 +0000

Hey Asswipe,

The eXile is Russia is the greatest paper I've ever read. It's just funny, entertaining and true. Why don't you quit dancing around for your puppet masters, cut out the blatent masturbation and get off the exile, you fucking exhole.

A Fan of Mark Ames

Dear Mr. Johnson,

Don't you have any appreciation for Shakespearean wordplay, for Periclesian panegyric, or for Butt-head-ian grammar? You should be ashamed, sir!

MISERY

Hey man,

I like your stuff, I fucking stick up for you and you don't even respond?

The least you could do is respond. Hey don't make me fucking snap now, hear? I know you're probably connected up the ass, pimping yourself out to some solid FBB krisha for a tiny slice of the profits - no matter. Just fucking acknowlegde me - you know all I want is the fucking attention.

Your Big Fan,
Sic Fakker

PS - Look what I wrote that prick from the Johnson's list. See the shit I do for you man?: [Here sic fakker cc's the above letter to Johnson-Ed.]

Dear Mr. Mango [aka Sic Fakker],

You are hereby acknowledged and blessed, O Son of Mark. Now if you REALLY want a pat on the head, set off a big fertilizer bomb somewhere...say, for example, inside the tour bus of the Strokes. Do that and there'll definitely be a [sic] T-shirt for you! Whatever size you want!

U SAY CARNEGIE, I SAY CARNEGIE

dear mr. ames,

it pains me greatly to watch your self-perpetuated slide into irrelevance, resorting to silly charges in an effort to raise exile's status to where it once was. the JRL is censoring you again -- disaster of disasters -- and it must be a conspiracy, headed by none other than the old and used mcfaul. please. surely you must know that the carnegie corporation, which funds cdi, is a distinct entity from the carnegie endowment, home of mcfaul? andrew carnegie was a rich guy, and founded many an organization -- the corporation and the endowment are completely independent of each other, run by separate boards of directors.

so before you run crying to that beacon of radical truth at mit, do something worthy of a real and violent reaction from the establishment, will ya? if your creative sources have run dry, do your dignity and your fans a favor and retire from this enterprise.

with greatest concern,
-whyppersnapper

Dear Mr. McFaul,

Whoa! You almost had us fooled there when you pointed out that the Carnegie Endowment was totally separate from the Carnegie Corporation. Our first reaction was, "Our credibility is doomed!" It was probably your ee cummings lower-case style which was so authoritative that we lost all will to debate. Then we remembered how Menatep became Menatep St. Petersburg, and we REALLY realized we'd screwed up big time because any fool knows that if you change the name a bit, obviously the two organizations have no ties to each other whatsoever. So, what the hell is a whyppersnapper anyway? Does it have jpeg sending capability? Does it like to be whypped? Or is it just a regular, standard snapper, the kind you get on any street corner for $4.99 unshaven, $7.49 shaven?

THE NERD HUNTER

OK, Gary

First Things First. War Nerd is the best military column I have seen on the net(or anywhere else, for that matter.) Your incisive analyses are amazingly accurate and honest -always without any PC dross. Just as importantly, the satire is, at times, absolutely hilarious.

Thanks again for war nerd,
David Hunter

Dear Mr. Hunter,

If Gary could respond to this letter, he'd say something like, "This isn't some kind of hidden threat, is it?"

BOUNRE TO BE [sic]

Mr. Ames,

Out of respect for your clarity of thought, the strength of your conviction and the power of your words, albeit unrealised by the unwashed masses, I'll address this letter to "Mr. Ames" as opposed to "Mark." Your article, "I Fought the Law" is undisputedly brilliant. I've not read more than the first two sentances, yet this hardly seems to be a point that is relevant or required to support my opening remarks. Strange though it may seem, the strongest mental revirbiration to your article resounded cheifly in repeated glances at the picture supplied of Limonov. How in the name of hell can I feel any sympathy for this guy?! I mean, for goodness's sake, look at his hair! It's like a pantene add! So full of luster, body and life. This man's hair has lived a life which most of us can find only in fairy tales. Ugly ducklings into swans, frogs into princes, straw into spun gold. True confinement is not found behind bars under a full head of hair but under the brilliant glare of a noon's day sun on a barren steppe under the cruel, fleeting shade of few strands of top hair. Strands, cruel strands! So long yet so weak, thin and frail. Save Limonov, but punish, punish, punish his freakishly angelic hair!

James Bourne

ps. death porn kicks ass.

Dear Mr. Bourne

Since the entire staff of the eXile is either balding or bald, we have to take exception with your criticism of Limonov's hair. Sounds to us like you have a debilitating case of hair envy, much like the FSB goons who locked Limonov up. Please, don't fall into that vicious cycle of balding/hair-envy/bald. We did it, and look at how baldly we turned out!

McFORUM

I don't agree with you all on Putin and Chechnya. McFaul is a fraud. I'm outtaibbi@exile.ruing him at The NYT Op-Ed Friedman Forum. To access my commentary, go to that forum and type in my monker michaelaverko in the red search box.

Mildred Averko

Dear Ms. Averko,

Not only will we look up your commentary, but now, tens of thousands of eXholes will have the chance to be enlightened by your paranoiac rants as well. Hey, are democratic or what?!

CONNED-OLANCES

RE: Flounder "Your wounded Monkey"

Sirs,

Please pass along my most sincere wishes for a speedy recovery, to your wounded fuck. I was glad to hear that he is recovering and wasn't too much of a pussy about the whole thing. Hope he feels better soon.

Regards,
Jeremy

Dear Mr. Jeremy,

Thanks to our U-Sir Friendly software, we made sure that Flounder had the very speedy recovery you ordered! He's outta the hospital and back chained to the computer working for us for peanuts! It's all part of serving the customer, Jeremy, sir. Why, if you had wanted him to have a leg or an arm broken, we woulda done that too! But since you wanted him to get well, we did that! Anything else we can do for you, sir?

POPPING [sic]S

Dear War Nerd,

Terrific Yemen piece, particurlary the final segment on the US's inablity to pop that zit and others like it. Along those lines, will you please dedicate a column -- or series of, perhaps -- to the twitterdom Stateside? What's our problem? See, why don't we know enough to stay the hell out of Colombia? Or how to axe the (right) bad guys? Are our intel services too chock full of Chambers&Hiss-esque plugfests? Are we too Christian? Too stupid? Too British? What, dammit, what is it?

Loyally,
Justin Henderson

Dear Mr. Henderson,

You spelled particularly "particurlary" which is one of the finest displays of ebonics that any sic writer has passed onto us. Anyway, to answer your question, while it's too late to apply the U-Sir Friendly software to the War Nerd's column this issue (we apologize for that), we can at least generate an answer...and...wait, here it's coming. The answer to why there's so much "twitterdom" in America is: "Texas." Yup. Y'all's problem is that y'all's gotta state called Tex's, and them boys is runnin' y'all's country. So y'all's is gonna hafta keep suckin cut Saudi weenie while they gits t'keep bombing America so's y'all's c'n take out Sadd'm, the only camel jockey who had nutin' t'do with 9/11. Yee-haw! Ain't democracy a gas?!

POO-OUIS VATTON

LVMH, numero 1 mondial du luxe, a fait interdire le site www.oedipe.net par le tribunal de Nanterre avec une amende de 45.000 euros a la clef. Je suis ecrivain. Je publie mes ecrits sur mon site oedipe.net L'un des 17 aricles de ce site, intitule "la toile louis Vuitton colle au cul de la bourge" n'a pas plu a Louis Vuitton.

J'y indiquais, qu'a mon avis, le succes du fameux sac monogramme, de couleur marron et bronze, etait le signe d'un transfert d'une exhibition anale refoulee. Le petit enfant aime a montrer sa production anale a son entourage, c'est son premier travail et il en tres fier : ce travail anal est a l'origine du sentiment de l'orgueil. Mais cette exhibition anale n'est pas toujours acceptee par l'entourage : elle est alors refoulee. Un produit comme le sac Louis Vuitton, de couleur caca et pipi et qui balance au niveau des fessses, permet d'exhiber son orgueil d'une production anale, refoulee, sans risque cette fois de se voir rejeter par son entourage. On comprend que cette analyse ne plaise pas a LVMH. Mais pourquoi la justice, les medias, silencieux sur cette decision judiciaire scandaleuse, devraient-ils etre infeodes a l'homme le plus riche de France? Ils doivent appliquer la loi et respecter la liberte d'expression. En souhaitant que vous soyez un des tres rares journaux honnetes a defendre la liberte d'expression, cette affaire etant susceptible d'interesser vos lecteurs.

En l'attente de votre reponse,
F.D.

Dear Monsieur D.,

Sacre bleu! Merde! Comment allez vous! Ca va! Viva la France! Pepe Le Pew! Voulez-vous couchet avec moi, ce soit!

FLOUNDERING

Hey Ames;

What a bunch of pussies. Flounder gets mugged and you are wondering when it will happen to you. I think you need to be bitch slapped. Go to NYC and I assure you that you will get mugged faster then in Moscow. Do not misunderstand, I am sorry for Flounder's misfortune. He is a good young man and I am sorry that this has happened to him. I wish him a speedy recovery from his wounds.

As many times as I have been in Russia, I have had muggers try to go after me. Like most muggers they try to get the drop on you. If you are alert, like you would be in any American city, they will see this and leave you alone. Muggers want easy targets, not adversaries. Russian muggers are no different then any other mugger. I have stared down a few in Russia and even fought one. He was not really a good fighter. I had no problem with him whatsoever. Come to think of it, I should have robbed him. Get well soon Flounder. We will look forward to more of your articles.

Mike aka Misha

Dear Mr. Misha,

Wow, you're pretty tough. Fighting off muggers 'n stuff. Ever thought of going into the super hero business? You could hang out at the Hall of Justice waiting for an eXpat mugging victim to scream for help, then run into a phone booth and appear as "Misha The Dancing Bear" in a fluffy bear uniform. Then you could speed over to the victim in your Moskvitch 2141 model and, while not saving him, at least get him to the AMC clinic with only two stops on the way to readjust the carburetor. On the way there you could tell the mugging victim as he's bleeding how it's all his fault and that you've stared down hundreds of muggers in your day. It may not help a mugging victim, but it sure would help your ego.

CRYSTAL PORN

Hi,

Love your paper, but what happened to death porn this issue?

Crystal

Dear Crystal,

Whoa! Check it out! A chick named "Crystal" who digs Death Porn! Schwiiing!!! Can we marry you? Can we fight to the death for your enigmatic goth hand? WE LOVE YOU CRYSTAL!!! Oh, and, uh, could you send us a jpeg of your hood? We don't want to see your snapper just yet. We want to save that moment so that it will be special. Your hood will do for now.

BACK IN BASS!

I have a friend who has come across this guy Michael Bass, you wrote about - http://www.exile.ru/feature/feature48.html

He is trying to involve himself in a deal to produce a sitcom in Aspen Colorado. My friend has asked me to look into the background of this guy, including other acquaintances of Bass' - Michael Litwack, and Victor Noval (Noval Trust?). Supposedly, this Michelle Litvek (Michael Litwack) is said to be involved with Russian oil. It sounds to be as if this guy Michael Bass is simply spinning more tales, and making it up as he goes.

I'd like to know if the writer of the above article (Mark Ames) is available by email, or if there is anyone else I can speak to who knows this guy, Michael Bass. The above article doesn't paint a good picture of him, and I am trying to help warn a friend not to get involved with him if even 1/10th of the information written in this article is true.

Thanks,
Bill

Dear Bill,

You'd be a fool not to do a sitcom in Aspen with Michael Bass. If America needs one thing, it's a Michael Bass sitcom. We'd move back to America just to see that!

BLYTHER

I usually read your paper and look forward to your club reviews, especially the big one every week which go in detail about a certain club. Personally, I am very disappointed with the most recent review. When this guy is insinuating that he has influence over the Exile does that mean he used his father's position to get a job there? Since when does a club review sound like an excerpt from "American Psycho"? Why does he go out of his way to describe the cars he drove up in and the fact that he deliberately ignored the price of drinks at the club? Does this motherfucker represent the average reader of the Exile? I am very disappointed and I wish to rely my disappointment personally to the guy who wrote that stinking turd of a review. I know it is an outside reviewer, but for fuck sake what were you thinking? I live at 32 Leninsky Prospekt and Kv. 245 and I would love to field any questions that particular individual has regarding my reaction to his review. Him and his father can call upon me personally to discuss any misunderstanding we might have.

Max Blythe

Dear Mr. Blythe,

There are some things that a foreigner just doesn't do when he comes to live in Moscow. One of those is fucking with our new star club reviewer, Denis Salnikov. If you get a knock on your door by some people posing as the militsia doing a "document check" soon, you only have yourself to blame.

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WTO Stands For Worship The Oligarchy :

JunkYard :

Meeting the NatsBols :

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