Mankind's only alternative 28   JAN.   23  
Mankind's only alternative
War Nerd RSS

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

The War Nerd March 3, 2003
Congo: The War without Battles
By Gary Brecher Browse author Email
Page 3 of 4
One thing you notice about African bush wars: when one side is pushed to the edge of extinction, it can strike back against the enemy's soldiers, who aren't as willing to die. This happened in Uganda, in the Lowery Triangle (see my Uganda column), and it happened in Rwanda. The Tutsi had nothing left to lose, and they started retaking the country. The Hutu, who'd been so brave when it was a matter of chopping kids' heads open like coconuts, weren't so brave going up against real soldiers. They lit out for the jungle -- for Congo. The Tutsis' new army pursued, and realized it had marched into the biggest power vacuum since Gerald Ford got sucked into Nixon's slipstream. There was just nobody to stop them. Mobutu had never wanted or allowed any power in Congo other than him. Now that he was dead, there was nobody at all.

Mobutu had an old enemy, Laurent Kabila, who'd been hiding out in the bush preaching rebellion for decades, getting exactly nowhere. Kabila wasn't classic hero-rebel stuff. He was a fat man, for one thing. They always mention that in the wire stories, like getting fat is the biggest sin anybody could ever commit. Pisses me off. Us fat people have dreams too, you know. You know the saddest thing about being fat? Having some kind of heroic daydream, then suddenly seeing your reflection in a window or mirror. Suddenly you realize whoa, I'm not entitled to dream about that stuff.

Jean Pierre Bemba (MLC)

Jean Pierre Bemba (MLC)

Well, to be fair, fat old Kabila wasn't very heroic by anybody's standards. Just another killer/thief with a taste for chorus girls and a history of ivory-poaching and gem-smuggling. But in the waste of Congo, Kabila was the closest thing to new blood you could find. When Mobutu saw how the Tutsi revenge strike just kept moving west toward the capital, Kinshasa, without meeting any armed opposition, he suddenly saw the light. After thirty years of preaching Maoism, Kabila started talking free enterprise. And even though he was from the Luba tribe, he became a born-again Tutsi for the duration.

Nobody, not even Kabila, expected this ragged little army to make it all the way to Kinshasa. But they did. Kabila was so shocked he had no idea what to do next. Then it came to him, the traditional Central African formula: embezzle, lie, and murder your enemies! One of the fat man's bodyguards got sick of it and shot Kabila dead in January 2001.

Kabila's worthless son Joseph took over for his worthless dad. The Tutsis' brief period of clear-headed soldierly discipline was over. Hell broke loose, on cue, back in the homelands of Rwanda and Burundi. Every Cub Scout Pack in Congo declared itself a Liberation Movement and declared its independence. In December 2002 the CIA dragged all the camo-wearing generals together, and all the crazy gangs in Congo signed a peace pact.

Last time I checked, every party was accusing of everybody else of violating the agreement. Now there's a surprise: a Congo peace deal breaking down. Who could have guessed? You wonder why the Foreign Service types even bother setting these conferences up. Who's kidding who?

Just figuring out who's who in this boneyard rumble is impossible. As near as I can tell, here are some of the factions:

The Mai-Mai: my personal faves. Hicks with bows and arrows. They believe charms make them immune to bullets. Funny how that notion hangs on.

MLC: run by a big Congo businessman. Imagine if Ross Perot had his own army. They're backed by Uganda and call the shots in most of northern Congo.

RCD-Goma: this group is based, not so surprisingly, in Goma. They're Rwandan, originally, and run a big swathe of Eastern Congo.

There it is, friends. Not a pretty picture. Remember what I said about borders? At the moment, there is no Congo. Uganda runs the North, Rwanda the East, Angola the south, and a bunch of stone-age loonies stalk around the backwoods bushwhacking anybody they think they can overpower.

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
Gary Brecher
Browse author
Email Gary at, but, more importantly, buy his book.

Me SOHO-nie For Moscow Club Pafos : A trip into the newest, most uber-elitny club
Separated At Worth :

Your Letters :

Let’s Hate Brazil! :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442