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Feature Story March 20, 2003
The Road to Perdition: America 2000 - 2005
Page 2 of 2
Norway, a loyal, inoffensive NATO ally, felt the wrath of the mad president. On May 20, 2004, Oslo and Bergen, the two largest cities in Norway, were completely annihilated by US nuclear weapons.

No one yet knows how the deranged leader or his henchmen reached the terrible decision. Bush, now in custody, has said only that "those fjords were suspicious."

The Norwegian genocide gave the anti-US coalition new resolve. UN forces took the war to North America, overcoming the Yankees in a cruel two-year war which is only now reaching an end.

The UN plan was a classic pincer attack. While Chinese and Russian troops drove south from Canada, European troops pushed north from Mexico. When the UN troops reached Texas, the most bitter and costly battles of the war began. What happened in Texas? Are the rumors of UN massacres true, or were these stories simply desperate, last-ditch Bushite propaganda?

Most observers agree that it was the Texans who began the cycle of tit-for-tat killings, and many Yankees will admit, in private, that Texas, tribal home for the President, "had it coming." In the rest of the Yankee homeland, especially California, Oregon and Washington, UN troops were welcomed as "liberators." In the rest of the former US, resistance was scattered and weak.

One of the surprises of the war was that the most rabid American rightwingers were the first to surrender, often volunteering to collaborate. The notorious Rush Limbaugh was one of the first Yankees to switch sides, defecting to UN Media Command as soon as the tide turned against the Yankees. Though it earned him the nickname "Rush to Surrender," Limbaugh's move undoubtedly saved his XL skin from the gallows. And liberal EU mores on homosexuality will undoubtedly relieve some of his tension.

Many of the most vociferous Bushites followed Limbaugh's example. A Chinese officer who took part in the US campaign recalls, "We were the first [UN] unit to hit Idaho, and we heard it was full of armed men who would fight to the last. But they ran and hid from us. We were very sorry, because we expected more battle. We have lost face."

When European troops took Bush's Virginia bunker compound in January 2005, the war was over. The now-famous video of Bush surrendering to female Danish troops, which was immediately broadcast over the former US, convinced many loyal "Bush-babies" to lay down their arms. A UN psychologist says, "When the Yankees saw their Commander-in-Chief crawling to the Danes on his knees, begging for his life and promising to 'name names,' it was as if they had been slapped awake."

The task facing UN forces now is "De-Bushification" of the occupied US. UN Courts will soon convene to try several thousand Yankee suspects held for Crimes against Humanity that claimed as many as 60 million victims from Kuala Lumpur to Oslo. Some of the most influential "chickenhawks," including Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld and Cheney, have agreed to testify in exchange for immunity. A British military lawyer preparing the UN's case says, "This lot have turned on each other like rats in a trap, squealing at full pitch."

While the top Bushites face stiff sentences, the ordinary Yankee will be treated with mercy. UN officials who have researched pre-war Yankee psychology stress that the ordinary Yankee "kubik" (derived from "cubicle-slave," a derisive term for Yankee workers) was a victim of the Bushites. "The kubiks were virtual serfs, working 70 hours a week with no medical care or childcare. There was daily propaganda designed to keep them in a state of terror. Anyone who spoke up was punished. They had no choice but to obey."

The UN faces the task of de-Bushification with a mixture of kindness and firmness. Standing amid the rubble of what was once Dallas, Private Thierry Berenge (UN/France) wipes the sweat from his brow and says quietly, "We should be merciful. After all, Europe was once as savage as America."

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

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Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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