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Feature Story March 20, 2003
The Road to Perdition: America 2000 - 2005

Occupied Texas, former US

By Derk al-Kattabi

Now that UN troops have conquered the American homeland, ending a five-year reign of terror by the Bushites, the world can afford to catch its breath and try to understand how the nightmare started. How did America go from Superpower to rogue state, drawing down on itself the wrath of the entire world?

"It happened so quickly!" That's the point UN historian Col. Doug McNammie (UN/Canada) makes when describing America's descent into savagery. McNammie stresses the fact that America was a happy, prosperous nation in 2000.

McNammie sees the fall of America as having three distinct stages: First, the disputed election of 2000; then the disastrous Iraq expedition; and finally, the attacks of 2004, when the US seemed to strike out almost randomly at any country it considered "unhelpful."

Yankee POWs greet their Finnish Blue Helmet liberators from Bushite tyranny

Yankee POWs greet their Finnish Blue Helmet liberators from Bushite tyranny

In McNammie's view, it was this third stage which forced the UN to contain the American threat. When the "Bushies" resorted to nuclear weapons to punish humble Norway for refusing to vote with the US in a Security Council showdown, Europe and Asia united against the "rabid" Yankees.

McNammie believes America fell prey to what he calls "The Liberian Scenario." "It happens to countries like Liberia and Sierra Leone all the time," he insists. "It's just that we didn't expect to see it in the US." The first stage of the "Liberian Scenario" is a disputed election which pits tribe against tribe. In McNammie's view, the 2000 election revealed an America starkly divided between inland Fundamentalists advocating "something like Sharia Law" and coastal urbanites who were in favor of modernization. At first these tribal forces were roughly equal in power; the inland fanatics won simply because they were more savage. "The crazies turned out to be...well, crazier," sighs McNammie, shaking his head.

McNammie draws some provocative parallels to other nations' return to barbarism: "It's happened to many other 'civilized' countries, like Iran. Sometimes a country just seems to decide it wants to regress.

That's what happened to the US in 2000."

Haunted by the illegitimacy of their rise to power, the "crazies" looked for military adventures to cement their rule. "It's a classic West-African scenario," says McNammie. "Steal the election, then start a war next door."

That first war was the ill-fated invasion of Iraq in March 2003. From the start, the Iraq campaign was a disaster. Bush, who had promised war in "weeks, not months," spent almost two years waffling.

Many historians now share the view that the regime purposely delayed the attack on Iraq to "madden" Americans. "Every day the war was delayed, oil prices went up, and you have to remember the Bush clan owned a lot of that oil. Why should they have hurried?"

Finally, in spring 2003, Bush was forced by his own logic to order the long-delayed Iraq strike. The invasion destroyed the fragile balance of power in the Middle East. Within a year, the Saudi regime had fallen and the "New Ottomans" remade Turkey, once a valued American ally, launching the "Counter-Crusade" which has seen the Balkans come under Turkish rule once more.

Then-President Bush reacted savagely to the unexpected defeats. On February 7, 2004, Bush overruled his own commanders, ordering simultaneous attacks on Somalia, Malaysia and France. Even loyal "Bush-babies" were stunned and began to counsel "moderation." Bush reacted by retreating to his fortified Virginia bunker. From this point until his final surrender to female Danish troops, Bush never left the bunker.

Yet while launching attacks on dozens of former allies, Bush was almost submissive toward one country: North Korea. Even when Kim Jong-Il launched a nuclear attack on Tokyo in 2004, Bush called for "understanding" of the North Korean action. One UN psychologist explains: "Bush and Kim Jong-Il understood each other. You have to remember, they were both weak sons, drunks, cowards who liked sending other people to their deaths. They saw eye-to-eye from the start."

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
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The Fortnight Spin
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Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
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Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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