Mankind's only alternative 7   FEB.   23  
Mankind's only alternative
Vlad's Daily Gloat - The eXile Blog

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sashaís...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Kino Korner May 3, 2003
Beware Of Polanskiís Penist
By Mark Ames Browse author Email

If you're an English-speaking movie buff stuck in Moscow during the May holidays, you will be punished. Severely. I know I bitch about this every issue, but this time, I swear I mean it. Before I take a dump on the English-language movies, I'm going to try to do something constructive, rather than simply destructive. After all, you squeamish types out there are always complaining that the reason you don't like destruction is that it's supposedly easy, while being constructive is supposedly hard.

Anyhoo, the constructive thing for you stucker-suckers is to go out and buy yourself a pirate DVD. The great thing about pirate DVDs is that now they're even cheaper than pirate VHS tapes. Cereally! The DVDs at the local markets, most or all of which offer both English and Russian language versions (so you can watch it alone, and later you can put it on for your teenage Russian fiancee to keep her occupied), go for between 150 and 199 rubles, whereas VHS tapes still sell for 210 rubles at all the central markets. The best thing is that your cash will go straight to the criminal world rather than into the pockets of media conglomerates and their pampered liberal-elitist movie stars. Gosh I hate those liberal elitists! (Now, if some of those Hollywood stars were blackshirt elitists, such as your humble movie reviewer, then you might find me dropping $30 bucks per DVD rather than $5.)

On offer on the black market here are such excellent recent movies as Roger Dodger and Bloody Sunday. Of the two, Bloody Sunday is superior, but Roger Dodger, in spite of its flaws and pretensions, holds up better to repeated scene-forward viewings, an important activity for antisocial cranks such as the staff of this newspaper. Bloody Sunday, about the British Army's massacre of 13 peaceful civil rights marchers in Northern Ireland in 1972, is shot in a frantic documentary style that's so convincing you forget that it's a movie with a script. Just in case you need to fuel up your Brit-hatred, this is the movie to do it. They're so evil and loathsome they're almost impressive, particularly when the British soldiers run up to wounded Irish peace marchers, put their assault rifles into the backs of their heads and blow their brains out...and later claim they fired in self-defense. If you have any heart left in you, these scenes of British savagery will bring tears to your eyes. I mean real tears, tears of hatred, not cheap Titanic tears.

As for Roger Dodger, it's another one of these evil-yuppie-chic films that keep appearing over the past few years. It's a spotty genre with one masterpiece (In The Company of Men) and a slew of complete shite geared towards art-fags who know nothing about the business world but want to believe it's evil and cynical (American Psycho, Boiler Room, etc.). Roger Dodger is one of the few of this genre that's actually got elements the fake evil-yuppie thing that's so chic, yet is smart enough and funny enough to make it watchable, in spite of Campbell Scott's annoying TV news anchor voice.

Now... do I have to do this? I guess I do. Welp, here goes, a review of this issue's movies.


The Pianist

What do you do when your artistic career is at a dead end and you've got nothing left to say and no one will pay you anyway? If you're a Jew, it's simple: drag out the Holocaust! It's a guaranteed hit every time! Worked for Spielberg when his career was tanking, worked for Alan Arkin, worked for a hack writer in Boston named Leslie Epstein, and this year, it worked for Roman Polanski. In fact, it worked so well for Polanski that the peach fuzz he raped in the 1970s (when Polanski still had talent) went public to say that not only did she now forgive him and call for his outstanding arrest warrant to be lifted, but she even said she thought he deserved an Oscar for The Pianist (which she may have mistakenly thought was titled "The Penist")!

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
Browse author
Email Mark Ames at

Your Letters :

Bye-Bye, Miss Russian Pie : The Ofis is now closed forever

There Will Be Krov: Oil-soaked Travels Through Azerbaijan : Blood, Oil, and Borat in Azerbaijan

666: The Number Of The Bust :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscowís Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywoodís Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442