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Whore-R Stories May 29, 2003
 
The Reluctant John
By Mark Ames Browse author Email
 
 

Three summers ago I conspired with my ex-girlfriend's parents to have her whisked out of Russia for good. It was the only way I could get rid of her.

In the weeks immediately before and after she was tricked into leaving, I embarked on my worst whoring binge ever. It became an unhealthy obsession, to the point where I'd take two whores in a single day and still end up unsatisfied. I did all of them in their apartments since I could never be sure if or when my girlfriend or one of her spies would be casing my place. Also there was the fact that it was much cheaper to do a whore in her apartment -- called "apartamenty" -- rather than having her delivered to your door -- "viyezd." For the price of one "viyezd" whore you could do two whores "apartamenty," or, say, one anal and change, so you'd have enough left over for a plate of nachos and a jumbo margarita at Starlite.

Most of the whores I rented worked in apartments in the Taganskaya or Serpukhovskaya Metro areas. Unremodeled one- or two-bedroom apartments with low ceilings, faded beige or dull gold wallpapering, dirty gold curtains inevitably drawn, and scuffed parquet floors. Sometimes a garish Turkish-style carpet would be nailed to the wall in the living room. The bed was always a double-Soviet with either a cheap gold bedcover or an elaborate deep Oriental-patterned red.

During this spree I got crabs from a Collie-faced Moldovan. She worked in a "salon," the term given to a larger apartment that will hold anywhere from five to fifteen working girls at a time. The crabs helped me get my whoring under control. You really feel like you've come to understand Schopenhauer's version of Planet Earth a little too intimately when you see your body turned into a feeding cow for freckle-shaped arachnids. I plucked them out of my pubic hairs one by one and stuck them to exposed Scotch tape that I pinned to the wall above my desk. After that, I became a reluctant john, with only brief interludes of enthusiastic whoring -- no more than once a month.

In the interests of diversifying this column, and in order to placate the budget-conscious shareholders of the eXile, I chose a "viyezd" whore this week for fifty dollars. Her "dispatcher" had asked me if I wanted anal, which would be $70. I said I didn't. First of all I don't want to endure that fart cloud that always appears after you pull out. Secondly, I prefer wet holes to dry. And thirdly (hey, I'm starting to write like Michael McFaul here!), what's the point of doing a whore in the ass? The best way to punish a whore is to take her for a night, chew some Viagra and fuck her for hours. Even then you have to ask yourself who's really getting punished, unless she's some raving beauty from Night Flight.

One reader suggested that I should try "seagulling" a whore this issue. I gave it a shot, so to speak, last Friday. But since I live 20 floors up and don't really have a balcony, it didn't work out quite as I'd hoped. While the whore was bouncing around the exterior of my massive building looking for the podyezd (I'd given her a non-existent podyezd number), I managed to fire off a load out my kitchen window in her general direction. It missed the whore by a long shot, splattering instead on the head of a Stalin-era statue representing a worker marching into the glorious future. The netting had just come off the statue two weeks ago after more than a year of remont. I bet this was something Stalin had not foreseen when he ordered this skyscraper built: a rootless cosmopolitan chaikovating out of the northwest tower.

Next day I went onto the net to find my whore. I narrowed it down to two dyed-red-heads, each allegedly 18 and each with massive thingies. I don't know why but lately I've been drawn to voluptuous whores. The one I chose lives/works at what was once among the most prestigious addresses in Moscow, where two General Secretaries had lived. She gave me the address and told me to call again when I got to the building, whereupon she would give me instructions as to which podyezd, code, and apartment to enter.


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Ames
Browse author
Email Mark Ames at editor@exile.ru.
 
 
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