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Unfiled June 12, 2003
Smack to the Future
By Vlad Impaler Browse author

I don`t really know how I survived this cruel winter considering all the shit I went through. "I lost everything I had/I`m starting over from scratch..." I love Morphine. I mean, the band. And I love opiates -- the only medicine to mend a broken heart in my opinion.

I was going to get married and learn to forget all the shit I`ve done in the past. We were together for two and a half years, all that time I went drug free. And now I`m more broken and mentally damaged than I've ever been. I lost my last hope to become "normal," "upstanding" citizen. Big loss for Russian society, innit.

Love should be on the list of most dangerous drugs, although it gives you the most creative depression if you end up brokenhearted. I`m sure Limonov wouldn`t be himself and would`ve never written his It`s Me, Eddie masterpiece if there weren`t some Elena involved. My girlfriend`s name was Elena too, as well as Odyssey`s.

Russian girls are good to you when you act like a bastard to them. Being a softie is a losing strategy guaranteed. That works all right with Western women, but not with a provincial Russian bird. If you show her your true feelings she gets bored and starts looking for kicks from someone else, and then that`s you fucked. When one day you find her sucking your mate`s dick don`t be surprised if she blames you for that.

I was going to Siberia to see my folks. It`d been seven years since I saw them last time. Elena said that she`s working hard and can`t join me. I said fine. A few days before leaving, I spent nights getting drunk with friends and screwing some girl I met. Then I came back home.

One morning just before I was supposed to leave for Surgut I heard something wake me up. That was Elena talking with someone. I opened my eyes and she was there with her mother, who gave me this false smile. Lena was holding two bags, trying to sneak out.

"What tha..." I ask.

"I`m going to Egypt for ten days."

"You what?!"

"Read my note on the kitchen table." And with that she fucked off, her mother pushing her out the door and telling me, "Vlad, shh, it's no problem."

The note said she loved me but she just tired and she needs some time on her own.

Her mother rushed her to the airport, then returned to the apartment because she was paying for our remont and she had to be the foreman for the workers. Her mother bought Elena this trip `cos she started to worry about her health. By that time I had enough money to afford us both a trip like that. But she went alone. I knew what that meant. I knew that on her own she won`t be able to order herself a fucking cocktail `cos she doesn`t speak English whatsoever.

I also found out that she decided not to tell me about the whole scam for a very touchy reason: "I know you`d be upset," it said in a note. Nice, innit? We had been living together for two and a half years already and were supposed to get married in a month. `Course I was "upset" but didn`t say anything `cos her mother was there to take her to the airport.

I decided to sniff around her flat. Every girl has small secrets but this one had way too many for me to handle: packs of "Durex," pills, negatives of her giving a head to a man in funny mask...

It was a good day to say goodbye to my opiates-free period. I started packing my shit for Siberia...

At Surgut airport I was met by my father and younger brother, hardcore junkie turned into hardcore alcoholic, and they both seemed quite happy to see me. It was freezing cold there. We chatted for a bit on a way to their home and I was telling lies of how good my life was in Moscow and about my marriage. My father was very pleased to hear all this: "At least one of you two is finally doing ok." I decided not to ask of what`s going on with the younger one. Nothing good, that`s for sure. But I was thinking of just one thing -- if I can get some scag in this city. I needed to fuck myself up asap.

My brother turned into absolutely unbearable yob since I saw him last time. He starts his day with two liter bottle of beer and ends with a bottle of vodka. That helps him to keep away from smack which is pretty hard `cos there`s a dealer in every building in Surgut. But he and his friends stay clean. Local criminal "avtoriteti" don`t approve drug using.

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