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The War Nerd June 12, 2003
Please Donít Eat the Pygmies
By Gary Brecher Browse author Email
Page 2 of 2
Just try imagining one of the General's military campaigns. It makes you realize how tame movies really are, even the ones that say they're all "dark" and daring. I've seen a lot of war movies, but none of them ever even tried to show anything this fucked up.

Imagine a movie of General Butt's "army" hitting a village. They grab a kid off a trail to the village, rip him up and drink his blood, then get naked. They're already high on who knows what mix of drugs and booze, probably screeching like parrots. Oh, wait -- I forgot about the purses and wigs. So they're in drag, naked, dripping blood from their mouths, and boom! they're sprinting into your village. The killing isn't even the fun part for them. That's just a day at the office for these guys. It's the big soccer game they're up for. So they get their pangas out and chop off a few dozen heads and start kickin' them around. Yellow flag!

Compared to that, Apocalypse Now is about as "dark" as Alf.

Of course, the General's a Christian now. The sad part is, I can imagine my folks going to see the bastard preach and getting all sentimental when he starts talking about how the Devil captured him at age 11. Pentecostals are about the most easy to fool people in the world. All you have to do is say you found Jesus. Hugs and money and dinner invites. The Bible verse I hated the most, and that's saying something, was the one that says "There is more joy in Heaven over one sinner who repents than 99 of the righteous." God loves people like General Naked. What that meant to me was God is crazy or stupid. General Naked may be preaching the Gospel now but that's the kind of job-change psychos like him can do without breaking a sweat. And they can go back to the old psycho-killer job just as quick when the time's right.

And the time could be right just about now, because Liberia's heating up again. One of the biggest, craziest killers in the history of Liberia, Charles Taylor, just came back from Sierra Leone on June 5. Anyplace else in the world, Taylor would've come home like Hannibal Lecter, complete with that little grill over the mouth. But like I said, Liberia's different. The locals were so happy to have Taylor back that they lined the road all the way from the airport to his house just for the chance to wave hello to the Homecoming King.

Taylor went to Sierra Leone a few years back and joined up with the one man in Africa who's maybe crazier than him: Foday Sankoh, leader of the RUF. You might not know the initials, but you've probably heard of the RUF's unique way of doing business: they're the ones who used to go into a village in Sierra Leone and cut off arms and legs and pile them up in the middle of town. It was Sankoh's idea of a joke. He'd tell the villagers who were rolling around in agony, "Go ask the government for your arms and legs."

Taylor just naturally wound up working for a guy like that when he moved next door to Sierra Leone. Now that he's back in Liberia, things are likely to heat up again. His fans won't settle for waving hi to him on his way to his mansion. They'll want action, some good killing again, and Taylor will give them what they want.

And I bet you anything you want that in some stinking hot little church in downtown Monrovia, General Butt Naked is taking off his preaching clothes, getting out his cute little wig, and thinking about making another career change. I bet he's getting bored being so holy. His chopping finger's getting itchy. He wants to play soccer with somebody's head again. The boys are back in town, and General Naked wants in the game. That's the best part of seeing the light, Pentecostal style: you can always change your mind later.

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Gary Brecher
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Email Gary at, but, more importantly, buy his book.
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The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

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