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Feature Story September 18, 2003
 
Party Players
 
 

Now that United Russia paid ex-soccer God Pele to pose with his arms around party honchos and hug the party's teddy-bear mascot, every party in Russia with a hope of winning some seats and the bucks to invest has joined a bidding war for new jock blood. Spurred by the pattern of NFL lingo and style in American politics, Russian election scouts have hit the NFL player files hard looking for the face that can tackle Pele for a loss. Here for the first time is the eXile's summary of the big players' selections in this special "Mascot Draft."

Party: LDPR

Player: Ken "Snake" Stabler

When the LDPR looks for a player, they mean a player. And "Snake" Stabler was always ready to play -- even against his own team, if the money was right. With six-figure coke bills constantly coming in, Stabler needed a lot of party funds. And like the LDPR, he had one surefire way of raising the cash: looking like a contender until somebody paid him enough to throw a few of those "key interceptions" that were his specialty. That's a game plan Zhirinovskii can appreciate. For years he's run the same money play, faking a run against the Kremlin, then lobbing a duck once they paid his asking price. And just like Snake, Zhirinovskii is always ready to face the cameras after the big defeat, blaming bad bounces and telling the suckers, "Wait till next year!" Analysts also speculate the LDPR, famous for its dirty work down in the electoral trenches, will value Stabler's input in strategy sessions. Stabler's classic gameplan against a San Jose Mercury reporter who had printed negative stories on him is, according to Party insiders, "required reading" at the LDPR's cadre training summer camp. Stabler, whom the reporter had accused of cocaine use, turned the reporter's strength against him by planting two ki's of pure cocaine in the pesky journalist's trunk, then dropping the proverbial dime on the varmint. The reporter was charged with felony dealing, and his offensive threat against Snake was negated. "Vladimir Wolfovich had tears of sheer admiration in his eyes when he told us the story of 'Snake's' victory," says an LDPR cadre. "He called it 'a lesson for us all, and proof of what the human spirit can achieve.'" Zhirinovskii plans to party with the new talent "in every concievable way," says our source, so maybe even the Snake is in for some off-field surprises.

Party: National Bolsheviks

Player: Chuck Cecil

Because of Cecil's thunderous tackles, Sports Illustrated ran a cover shot of him in the mid 1990s with the headline "Is Chuck Cecil Too Vicious for the NFL?" Receivers soiled many a jock strap seeing the 1992 Pro Bowler roaming the defensive backfield preparing to decapitate them the second the ball nicked their fingertips. Our own Dr. Limonov's NatsBols have already soiled the pants of Central Electoral Commission chief Alexander Veshnyakov with rocket-propelled mayonnaise. There's no doubt Cecil, a crazy skinhead with a knack for rupturing the internal organs of any poor receiver ordered into his zone, is a natural-born NatsBol. The only draft-day question is his arm. Can this converted headhunter put a spiral on the eggs, tomatoes and extra mayo that form the NatsBols' aerial attack?

Party: Yabloko

Player: Tom Brady

The young and dashing Brady took over for Drew Bledsoe and led the Patriots to their first Super Bowl victory two years back, giving New Englanders hope that they'd found the man to lead a Pats dynasty and erase forever the memories of Tony Eason. Yavlinsky's party of young liberals also looked promising once, so much so that it was all but certain that Yabloko might replace SPS as the liberal party of choice, and Yavlinsky was sure to be named Yelstin/Putin's new Prime Minister in a clearing of the Old Liberal Guard. But like Brady -- who has 4 picks already in his first two games this year, while leading his Pats into an embarrassing thrashing by Bledsoe's Bills -- Yabloko probably won't be smiling come poll results time this X-Mas season. But the not-so-big Apple has made a damned good living out of losing pretty, and pretty-boy loser Brady should fit the team like an overpriced, poorly insulated Italian glove.

Party: SPS

Player: Anna Kournikova


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