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Feature Story December 25, 2003
 
What a Laugh!
The eXile Looks Back on 2003, The Funniest Year Yet!
 
 

Ho!-Ho!-Ho! Indeed, folks, Santa Claus is bellowing not just cuz he's jolly. He's laughing his fat ass off. Why's that? Cuz 2003 was the Funniest Year Yet. Yowza! Whatta year! Humorologists everywhere agree that they can't remember recording so much laughter as 2003, the funniest year since at least 1941. Hospitals across the world report more cases of split sides, raw tear ducts, and bruised knees from all the knee-slappin' that 2003's hijinks produced than any on record.

In order to help you navigate the funniest pranks, jokes and hoaxes of 2003, the eXile's team of humorology eXperts has narrowed it down to our Top 50 Funniest Moments, with a special emphasis on that wackiest of all comic troupes, The United States of America. Each humorous moment will have a ranking and a description of the joke. A "Sad Clown Factor" will describe the tears through which the laughter must pass, as all great humor has a sad side. And finally, each will have a score, signified by Yahoo! laughy-face emoticons, just to annoy the living shit out of you.

So hold on to your sides, folks, or they may split wide open!

1. Michael Jackson

The Joke: It was funny enough imagining some poor kid getting fondled by a middle-aged she-male Negro slathered in skin-whitening cream. But that was only the beginning of the comedy. Turns out the kid, the chicken of Jackson's eye as it were, is dying of cancer. Has been dying of cancer for some time now, stomach cancer to be exact. So here's this kid, dying of cancer, has his spleen and one kidney removed to stay alive...just in order to stay alive long enough to get sodomized by humanity's scariest-looking freak. If that isn't proof that God long ago abdicated his throne to Schopenhauer, then keep reading. Turns out Cancer Boy has been used as bait by his parents in the past. A couple of years ago, Cancer Boy's parents used him to stuff a bunch of goods down his shirt for a five-finger-discount from a JC Penney's. The parents sued Penney's security guards for allegedly harassing them after catching them, and won nearly $200,000 in a settlement. So there was a reason for the boy to live: to allow his horrible parents to get even richer! Hardy-har-har!

Sad Clown factor: Sales of Michael Jackson's new greatest hits album his worst ever.

Side-Split Score: Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown

2. Felgenhauer's Finest

The Joke: Moscow readers know Pavel Felgenhauer as the Moscow Times's military reporter whose ravings provide the few laughs the MT offers. Felgenhauer's all-time funniest column appeared in mid-February, when demonstrations against the Iraq war were drawing millions all over the world. Felgenhauer had a simple explanation: the demonstrators were paid to protest by French and Arab groups. In case you think we're exaggerating for comic effect, here's the full quote: "Expert after expert (former high-ranking intelligence, Kremlin and military officialdom) has told me that the antiwar marches were organized and financed by French and other Western special services, together with Muslim and Arab power groups." Watch out, Andy Kaufman! There's a new krazy comic in town!

Sad Clown factor: Unfortunately, fewer and fewer Western journalists now use Felgenhauer as a serious source, which means this clown is definitely crying in his dressing room.

Side-Split Score: Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown

3. The Al Qaeda Scare


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FROM THE VAULT

Take America’s Navy Battle Group…Please! :

COMBED OVER!!! :

Mr. Limonov on Mr. Medvedev :
Caucasian Taxi Driver
Field Guide To Moscow: Onagus Khayastanicus :
 

 
 
 
LATEST ARTICLES

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
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Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
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Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

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The Fortnight Spin
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Your Letters
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Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
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Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...

 
 
 

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