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Sad Clown factor: No lasting effect, as Europe remains as serious and dull as ever.

Side-Split Score:

30. Rush Limbaugh

The Joke: 2003 was the year we learned that Rush Limbaugh was in the closet over more than just his sexuality. Turns out -- hee-hee-hee! -- he's a junkie, to the tune of 35,000 prescription opiates consumed over 10 years, putting him on a level that no eXhole has ever dreamed of. And all the while he preached sending white cry-baby drug fiends "up the river" for illegal drug use. This kind of ironic comic come-uppance is the stuff of a Danny DeVito flick! It also might explain one of his funniest statements of the year, denouncing Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb as a kind of affirmative action token. McNabb was subsequently voted into the 2004 Pro Bowl for his first time ever. Now that's funny, Rush, you junkie fool you!

Sad Clown factor: When Limbaugh checked into a clinic for rich white junkies, he issued a press release in which he whined, "Over the past several years I have tried to break my dependence on pain pills and, in fact, twice checked myself into medical facilities in an attempt to do so [...] I ask now for your prayers." Boo-hoo-hoo... Lena! Another hanky! Wait, make that two!

Side-Split Score:

31. William Bennett

Sad Clown factor: The man who once sent hundreds of thousands of Americans to jail for drug possession whined, "It is true that I have gambled large sums of money.... I have done too much gambling, and this is not an example I wish to set. Therefore, my gambling days are over." We could go on, but we're verklempt.

Side-Split Score:

32. We're Your Armed Friends

The Joke: Nobody hates cops the way Russians do. Everybody, even respectable middleclass types, shares the view that the Militsiya are lazy, brutal, corrupt thugs. So Russians laughed themselves into a coma when they found out that this year, their despised cops had hired not one but two Western PR firms to give them a new, more positive image. The agencies came up with some hilarious slogans, such as "We have arms. You have peace of mind." The best part is imagining an actual Russian trash going up to an actual Russian pedestrian and saying it: "We have arms. You have peace of mind." In Russia, that translates to: "Pay me or I'll beat you to death." Come to think of it, maybe that's the way the Militsiya wants people to take it. It could be a serious bribe-earner for them, all thanks to the good folks at McCann-Ericson. Hey, are Americans teaching Russians how to be civilized or what?!

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